


Nostalgic Vibes in Me

by tsuki_is_sarang



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, And the ending pairing!, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, No cheating, None of the characters mentioned dies, Sex, Slash, Smut, Suicide is briefly mentioned, You decide the ending!, alternative universe, sort of love triangle?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-02 20:26:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 47,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11516823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuki_is_sarang/pseuds/tsuki_is_sarang
Summary: This is not my story, but I guess I could give you a summary. I'm Magnus Bane, pleasure to meet you. This is the story about a boy who thought he knew himself better than he did, but ah, isn't it the most charming thing about Alexander Lightwood? Life caught up with him and so did its hardships, and while all the trouble seemed to come down on him, love also found him. Twice. Which is when my part comes in, but I should brief you on the whole case before I delve into my side...A story about love, family, principles and personal goals. Ah, and why not a little smut and fluff in the process? ;)





	1. Come a Little Closer

**Author's Note:**

> Since I am Brazilian and English is not my mother tongue please, I beg you to let me know of any tragic linguistic/grammar/etc mistakes! Thank you <3

_This is not a story about me, but I'd like to think I have a relevant part in it and that's exactly why I decided to be the one telling it. It actually begins way before I was introduced to the whole maelstrom it has come into, when two neighbors met while still teenagers. One was taller, his figure very composed. His short hair was as dark as the night, which only made his bright blue eyes stand out like two gems waiting to be collected, his skin slightly tanned due to hours of exposure playing under the sun. The other, a year younger, had a more slacked off stance, golden hair constantly falling onto his equally light eyes and a skin that clearly tanned easily if compared to his friend's. They were inseparable from the moment they met, their families rejoicing with the ease in which they got along well. They would spend long weekends by the beach, hands together as they built castles and dreams from white sand with barely any assistance from their parents. They knew they were meant for each other, except..._

_Well, except it was **nothing** like that, though Alexander probably wishes it was..._

* * *

  **Come a Little Closer**

 They were, indeed, neighbors. The Lightwoods lived in a luxury building by the beach that was probably built illegally since it was closer than it should to the shore, but it was a matter of ostentatious demeanor to own an apartment that had a balcony view to the sea.  Even though his parents claimed they had enough reasons to brag about their lifestyle to the rest of their family and lived there simply because it was near his father's work, Alexander knew it had to do with his grandparents never being able to afford something remotely close to the price they paid for the place. He was barely fourteen when he started piercing things together, realizing that his parents had no actual ties to the rest of his relatives but formal encounters and celebrations. He wondered if it was all in his head by then, if it was just his inner voice that disliked his cousins enough to think his parents did, too, especially since his younger sister seemed super fond of them. Isabelle had always had a weak spot for forgiving mistakes made by her won blood, even at a young age such as twelve. She was special, Alexander thought, as he helped braid her equally pitch-black hair on an idle evening. Their maid seemed to be busy with cleaning but they had each other to help with things as simple as tending to their hair.

"Alec", she started, eyes looking up at the reflection of her brother on her mirror with a certain eagerness for attention. "I think I know what all the fuss was about yesterday." She blinked, feeling like she had brought up a topic of the utmost interest for her brother. Alexander, however, was more enticed in getting her hair properly set, no strands left unbraided. He raised an eyebrow as a sign for her to continue but did not voice any curious remark, leaving Isabelle with a frustrated pout. "Why do boys try so hard to hide their interest in things?" 

"You know, for your age, you are actually quite smart." The dark-haired boy frowned a bit, unconsciously pulling her hair a little tighter than he had intended to. She winced and glared at him through the mirror, but he could see her mouth slightly curled up in amusement. He rolled his eyes and sighed, giving up. "Ok, oh my dear Isabelle Holmes, what is the result of your mysterious findings?" 

Fourteen year olds and their dramatic intonations.

Isabelle parted her lips in a beaming smile, abruptly turning to face her brother as he had just finished fixing her braid. "We have a new neighbor!" She sounded genuinely excited, suddenly stopping as if remembering something. "Well, neighbor _s_. A family just moved in to our floor..." She smiled again, a glimpse of mischief in her lips. "Perhaps Ms. Herondale knows something about them yet?" The girl wiggled her eyebrows in a way the boy knew she wanted him to do her dirty work. For some reason, their maid seemed to take a special liking after him which was very unsettling to young Alexander. He didn't exactly have a good way around people in general. Ask for him to get information out of the woman was a rather challenging task, he thought as he pursed his lips together in contemplation.

"Fine..." He shrugged, unable to fight her glittering hopeful eyes. "But you owe me a favor."

"Anything for you, my brother!" She nodded excitedly.

It turned out Ms. Herondale knew very little about the newcomers. She said it was just a boy and his mother, who seemed very grim and didn't allow anyone to help her move in - thus the fuss. Imagine getting all the work of placing furniture on your own while watching a kid? But she insisted. She also insisted that the building staff call her Celine and her boy, Jonathan. No last names. The janitor reasoned with her about giving employees more freedom than they should be allowed to with her, but she made it very clear that was how she wanted. She added that the boy was probably around the same age as Alexander's. And that was all. A broad tray of sandwiches was given to the boy at the end of her report. Ms. Herondale knew the kids enough to tell it was Isabelle the one behind Alexander's awkward questions but she thought better just to prepare some afternoon snacks and keep on with her chores, dismissing the boy. 

Alexander wasn't exactly the curious type. Of course, as a teenager, he had the curiosity of looking up certain things online - things he hoped his parents nor his sister ever found out. He was also curious as to why there weren't any summer archery courses nearby, or why Jupiter was so much greater than other planets. And, after telling Isabelle what he got from Ms. Herondale, he was curious about their neighbors, too.

* * *

 Although summer meant school break for both Isabelle and Alexander, their parents didn't quite share the luxury of being able to just do a bunch of nothings at home. Maryse Lightwood worked for a very notable paralegal office, handling foreign companies that wanted to take part as shareholders of national companies, whereas Robert Lightwood was the Chief Information Officer of a multinational telemarketing company. They barely had time on weekends when new companies where settling, or even systems were being upgraded, let alone enjoy a holiday or two with their kids. That didn't make them any less attentive to their children: whenever they found time, they would find something to do together as a family, or hear the elaborate stories Isabelle had about the other girls in school, or even try to talk Alexander out of learning how to drive at such a young age. Still, their constant absences gave room for a lot of quests the two kids set out for on their own, like a game they played where they set their goal and would try to accomplish it without being caught. As of that moment, it had been gathering more clues on the mysterious duo living next door.

Isabelle had found absurd excuses to throw the trash at precisely the times she happened to see the hall light click on, meaning someone was waiting for the elevator to come - or get off it. Their building had only two apartments per floor, which Alexander presumed explained his sister's apparent obsession with their neighbors - they never had neighbors. Their maid found it slightly adorable to see the girl so giddy about catching glimpses of the people next door and easily complied with her requests, keeping it from the parents as a certain sense of privacy for Isabelle. So far, though, she had only encountered with the mother who was apparently an introverted person that only cast her glances and nodded as a means of greeting the brunette. In the little girl's head, a fantastic piece of fiction was already taking place where the mother wasn't _actually_ his mother, simply a woman who happened to kidnap the boy and fled to their building to start a new life, keeping him locked away so he couldn't look for his real family or ask for help.

"That's nonsense, Izzy..." Alexander chuckled, arms crossed in front of his chest. It was late afternoon and they had been waiting for their parents' arrival in Isabelle's room, the girl laid on her back on a purple rug and Alexander sitting on an armchair close to where she was, feet idly resting on her bed. "You might need an intervention from watching too many conspiracy theory videos on YouTube."

The whole apartment had a total of five rooms, out of which one was dedicated to office material, books and other paperwork their parents collected over the years, both personal and professional. Only their parents' room had a private bathroom, but it was no problem for the siblings to share the other since Alexander had very little need of space when it came to beauty products, leaving most of the drawers for his sister to keep her never-ending make-up stuff. Each child got their own room and the spare one had a single bed and a few mattresses cluttered together with a bunch of old things - from toys to unused appliances. Whenever they had late visitors, they offered them the room to stay overnight, though they rarely enjoyed the thought. 

"C'mon, it's been at least what, two weeks? And no sight of him?" The girl sounded genuinely puzzled, if not intrigued. She was still naive as her age demanded and could only think of very bizarre reasons why a boy would not want to play outside. A familiar sound of key chains jiggling made her look out the bedroom door, turning on her side to start standing up as they listened to their parents walking into the apartment's foyer and heading to the living room.

They were both by the door when Isabelle halted, raising an arm in front of Alexander to stop him from walking further. The boy shot her a confused look but she merely beckoned to where two voices seemed to be having an argument. Since Ms. Herondale had left already, it could only come from Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood. They stood silently, catching bits of their words attentively, holding their breaths still.

"I knew you'd do this, Robert..." Maryse sounded tired, frowning and rubbing her temples with more vigor than the advisable. She frowned further as she hung her keys near the door and left her shoes by the door. "Why did I even bother?" Her long hair fell elegantly over her broad shoulders as she removed her coat and began folding it.

"What? Picking me up at work to throw up all your frustrations at me? I would actually like to know the answer to that one myself..." Their father's voice was more audible due to the irritation mixed with raw sarcasm - something Alexander wondered if Isabelled fished out on her own of if he'd have to explain later. Robert removed his shoes and threw them by the door as well. "Honestly, Maryse, you have the strangest ways to try persuading me into doing things either of us could."

"That's funny." She faked a brief laugh, the sound of fabric being ruffled clearly showing she had no intentions of folding her coat anymore. "Because the last issues concerning this apartment were all solved by... Well, me. No wonder I'd like you to do something for a change! C'mon..." She didn't sound that aggressive, but pushy instead. "The woman freaks me out. Can't you just talk to her? I'm sure she won't say no if it's you..."

"It's just a stupid bathroom leak, Maryse..." It was Robert's turn to show some tiredness in his tone, his steps leading to the corridor that gave access to all the rooms of the place. "I'll call the plumber tomorrow so we can fix it, alright?"

Both Isabelle and Alexander froze, afraid his father would see they had been eavesdropping, but he came to a stop, probably waiting for an answer before heading to their room.

"It's ruining our bathroom, Robert, and I'm pretty sure it comes from her apartment..." Their mother was calm, but there was a hint of something bitter, defeated in her. "Whatever, I'll go there myself. It's my day off, anyway..."

"Do it your way, Maryse..."

Isabelle quickly reached for the doorknob in front of them to close it as silently as possible, opening it with a fake surprised look as their father passed by. "Dad! Finally, we were starving here..."

And with that, the four of them sat to have dinner in an odd silence. If Alexander knew his mother well, he could sense this was far from over. Her raising the white flag at insisting that his father went instead was in no way a sign that she had simply accepted that. He refrained from saying anything to his sister, though, eyes darting from one side of the table to the other. 

"So..." The boy started as a means to break the ice. "Izzy has this crazy theory that the woman next door keeps the boy as her hostage." Maryse and Robert both choked on their glasses of water and shared a funny look that could either mean shock or disbelief while Isabelle merely stared at him, feeling betrayed. He could read her lips moving to for a ' _traitor_ ', but chose to ignore her instead. He hated to admit to himself that he was just as curious as she was. "I told her I'd prove her wrong, but he does hide in the apartment."

 _Well played_ , he thought to himself as he fought the urge to flash a triumphant grin at his sister, who was glaring at him.

"Ah, Isabelle... Always so _inventive_." Robert couldn't help but smile fondly at his daughter, tilting his head in slight endearment. "Just like your mother..."

If he had planned to sound caring and loving, he failed and got Maryse to frown at him, her shoulders tensing slightly before she spoke. "Well, Alec, I guess tomorrow's your lucky day..." She looked at Alexander with genuine amusement. "I need to talk to our _very nice_ neighbor. Maybe you could come along? Help your sister overcome her fears..." Maryse glanced sideways at Robert before curling her lips up at Isabelle, who was ready to speak but didn't manage to. "It'll be the perfect moment for you to finally finish the Summer assignments you should have finished by now, right?"

Isabelle pouted, dropping her fork on the plate carelessly before stomping out of the table. Alexander knew she would be upset but he had to go check this for himself. Besides, what if the woman was, indeed, dangerous? He wouldn't want his sister being exposed to crazy people. He nodded to his mother and excused himself, heading to his sister's room. He knocked on the door once, twice, but nothing. Oh well, he tried.

The dark-haired boy headed then to his bedroom, carefully picking up the outfit for the day after's appointment with his mother. For some reason, he felt he would need a good night's sleep if his mother decided to vent. Furthermore, he started to wonder about the boy. What he was like, if he really did enjoy staying indoors for the rest of his summer or if he had any reasons not to leave his home. There were so many weird people at his school that just wanted to stay in their bedrooms their entire vacations. Alexander never really had his group of friends but that never kept him from spending as much time as he could by the sea, eyes set on the water as if it were a projection of his own irises, stretched out for anyone to see. That is, anyone who _wanted_ to see...


	2. Make Me Real

_Ah, there you are. Where was I? Right, telling you how sweet teenage Alexander looked in deep slumber. Before I go on , I'd like to tell you one of my favorite memories of his. It was probably a month before the arrival of their mysterious neighbors, when both Alexander and Isabelle were still having full-time classes. Summer was only a glimpse away which had kids all excited, talking to their friends about their vacation plans and all, mostly just trips and family visits. It worked much like an annual script: every year the same kids would do the exact same things they did since ever, and even though his class remained mostly unchanged for four years in a row, they still insisted in bragging about their trips to Milan or Sicily. You can imagine how bored poor Alexander felt, but he heard them blabbering anyway. Everything was the same as last year's, until one of the boys told them he'd be meeting a girl he met online secretly. That was new, and every single boy leaned forward to start talking about their ~~possibly imaginary~~ girlfriends and dates, asking others about their experiences (well, if you could even call those 'experiences'). Alexander's turn came and the other boys fell silent. He wasn't that close to them but they seemed intrigued to know what he would say. He licked his lips nervously, frowned for a second and then forced a chuckle, saying "You have no idea how jealous Izzy can get over any girl I try to approach." **Approach**._

_I wonder if a twisted truth counts as a disguised lie._

* * *

**Make Me Real**

Alexander woke up with a start. A loud noise came from outside his room and by the sharpness of it, his sister probably just dropped something in the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes lazily with one hand, the other reaching for the nightstand next to his bed where he left his phone. His room was the same size as Isabelle's, but unlike hers, it had less furniture dedicated to clothes and books and more to his consoles, a huge television and his desktop computer. He also preferred his bed to be right by the window, whereas Isabelle's was in the center of her room, like a Queen's. The dark-haired boy never really understood the disposition of her things for it made her room look slightly tinier than it should. The stripes of light that seeped through his curtains had him assume he had some time before lunch and so he slowly made his way to the bunch of clothes he had set the night before and grabbed them, cell phone in his other hand as he elbowed the door knob.

His mother had occasional days off when she worked overtime and on such days she dismissed Ms. Herondale. He heard her angry voice from the kitchen and confirmed his suspicions as Isabelle seemed to be replying her sheepishly. At least he was asleep and missed the whole fight, he thought, shuffling his feet towards their shared bathroom and locking the door behind him. For some reason, he felt a strange sense of confidence slowly taking over him as he eyed his own image in the mirror. His gaze was still sleepy but there was something unusual. Somehow, knowing he had taken a challenge his own father didn't had him feeling so adult, so _mature_. He shook his head, trying to place those thoughts aside as he stepped into the shower.

Like most of teenagers his age, Alexander was full of hormones. Instead of finding means to release them, though, he felt like a balloon, quietly waiting for someone to pop them out of his system. He often relieved himself during morning showers, hoping the sound of the water splashing over the tiled floor would muffle the low moans that escaped his lips, but it took him a while to think of _what_ _to think_ while touching himself and he wasn't sure it was the best idea, given they were going to their neighbor's later. He decided against any extra activity, letting the cold water against his skin carry the morning excitement down the drain.

Soon enough, he was ready, wearing a pair of worn-out jeans and a plain maroon T-shirt. He took quick steps towards the kitchen to find both his sister and mother sitting across from each other at the big table there, apparently at peace. He felt a resentful glance of his sister land on him.

"Good morning to you, too, Izzy." He mumbled, his hair still damp as he pushed it back from his forehead. Stopping next to their mother, he placed a hand on her shoulder lightly. Maryse's lips slightly curled up at the gesture, acknowledging he was ready for when she decided to go. A beeping noise indicated that they were waiting for the microwave to heat up what would be their lunch. Since Ms. Herondale cooked a ridiculous amount of food every time, Maryse hardly ever cooked. Once it was ready, the three sat at the table, Alexander purposely taking the seat next to his sister. "So..."

"Don't." She didn't sound as upset as he thought she would, but her tone was clear enough. Her features were very serious for a kid her age, he mentally noted as he shrugged, staring down at his plate. "Just..." Isabelle pouted before looking up at him with a determined look. "Promise you'll tell me _everything_. Deal?"

"Anything for you, my sister..." He flashed a faint smile, forking a large portion of lasagna. 

"Hey..." Maryse sounded aloof, especially since she would have scolded Alexander for taking such a huge bite into his mouth if she were paying him any attention. Her eyes stared down at her plate, nearly untouched, and her voice was low. "Maybe he's not even that nice for you two to be so agitated."

The siblings exchanged a worried look and decided it was best to just shrug in agreement. Maybe their mother was just tired from work, or the thought of having to fix bathroom issues in her day off had her a bit depressed. Either way, they were silent for the rest of their lunch. Alexander thought of snippets of the talk they overheard the night before and thought of talking to Isabelle about it, but their mother was already rushing him. "No skipping brushing your teeth today, mister!"

Isabelle chuckled as he rolled his eyes. _Mothers_.

* * *

Unlike their own, their neighbors' doorbell was inaudible from the outside, leaving both Alexander and Maryse staring at the wooden door for a long time before the boy decided to knock tentatively. His mother had both hands on her waist then, fingers tapping at her fine navy blue dress as she frowned.

"Relax, mom." The dark-haired boy sounded apologetically, as if it were his fault they were left there to wait. He knew that nowhere in the history of men had saying ' _relax_ ' ever actually worked, but it was the only thing he could come up with. He felt his lips move as if trying to find better words, but the sound of ruffling keys coming from the other side of the door saved him the effort.

They were expectantly watching the door as it opened, but only Alexander seemed surprised to see the person standing there. 

"You-" He trailed off, his eyes as blue as the ocean set on the figure standing in front of him. The boy. Unlike Isabelle's theories, he looked quite healthy, no signs of scratches, no beaten-up eyes or cut lips. His hair was a shade of gold he had never seen, eyes only a tad darker as he stared at them grumpily, raising an eyebrow at Alexander. 

"Me...?" The boy tilted his head in confusion but didn't give Alexander room for an answer, looking up at Maryse instead. "Are you the people next door?" 

The dark-haired boy felt suddenly out of words. Not that it was that unusual, but all the confidence he thought he'd summoned up seemed to vanished into thin air, leaving him staring at the boy dumbfound. He felt his mother closer to him. She had lowered a bit, probably to be on eye level with the other boy.

"Yes. I'm Maryse Lightwood and this is my son, Alexander." She pressed a hand on Alexander's shoulder, reassuringly, her voice soft but steady. "I thought your mother would be home? I need to talk to her."

The boy seemed to assess her approach, crossing his arms tightly against his chest as he scanned Maryse's face. He refused to introduce himself. "She is." He nodded, stepping away from the entrance of the apartment. "She's on the phone right now, but..." He looked away. "I think it won't be long, so you can wait in the living room."

His eyes were back on Alexander, watching him with a seriousness so unlike for their age as he stepped inside the apartment. He locked the door behind him and took mother and son to the couch. The apartment was a mirrored disposition of theirs in terms of rooms and layout, but the decoration was completely opposite. Whereas the Lightwoods had a reasonable number of items that ranged from vases to paintings, the place they were in had the strictly necessary: a couch that looked too small to be there, a TV set in front of it, some chairs around a table that did not seem to match and a few pictures hung on the wall behind the couch. Alexander looked at them with a mixture of curiosity and guilt. There was something about the whole place and the boy that felt like he was invading them, and seeing the faces of random people hanging on the wall only intensified it. He plopped down on the couch next to his mother and waited, evading the other boy's eyes.

Someone cleared her throat. A woman emerged from one of the rooms and was making her way to the living room, telephone in one hand while the other scratched her forehead lightly. "I'm sorry, I couldn't miss this call..." She said, smiling politely at the sight of Maryse and Alexander, who were already on their feet to properly greet her. "I see you met my son, Jonathan." Her eyes were tender, but weary as she eyed Alexander. "Nice to meet you. Your mother didn't mention she would bring you, ..."

The dark-haired boy was on a daze, noting she had the same golden hair as her son's, only her eyes were green. "Alexander." Maryse intervened, looking down at him as if he was suddenly demented. She didn't seem to realize he had been nervously clutching at the hem of his T-shirt.

The woman glanced at her son. "I see. Well, Jonathan, why don't you show Alexander your comic books?" There was a hint of a command in her voice that made clear it was best if they let the two women discuss whatever plumbing talk they needed.

Jonathan didn't seem very glad at the suggestion, merely frowning and strolling towards the corridor towards the rooms. Alexander followed right behind him, peeking at his mother over his shoulder briefly before they turned and walked further into the apartment. They stopped in front of what would be the equivalent of Isabelle's room. Before opening the door, however, the boy cast him a suspicious look. "Have you ever heard of The Emperor's New Clothes?" His hand was still on the doorknob.

Alexander blinked at him, confused enough to take some time registering what the question was. Right. The fable, right? Or tale, whatever. He was never really good at literature. "Yes." He managed to say, eyes drawing the lines of Jonathan's features with precision. He wasn't very subtle, but hey, he promised his sister he'd give her a full report, didn't he? Besides, he noticed the boy looked quite well for someone who didn't leave his apartment for at least two entire weeks. "What about it?"

Jonathan noticed the way he was being looked at but didn't seem to bother, raising both eyebrows in an exaggerated disdainful look. "Well, my room's just like it." His grip on the knob tightened. "Only the clever can see its awesomeness." And with that and a mischievous smirk, Jonathan opened the door.

As they entered the room, Alexander noticed he was slightly taller than Jonathan, and that he had a funny scar just below his neck, partially hidden by the white T-shirt he was wearing. Maybe it was a birthmark. His eyes adjusted to the bright lights coming from the open window to scan their surroundings while the blond closed the door and what he saw was actually quite nice. The room was, indeed, plain in terms of color and furniture, having only a bed and a writing desk in it. Still, he had a bunch of cool figures bundled on one corner, followed by numerous stacks of comic books neatly wrapped in their plastic bags that occupied most of the remaining space. On top of the chair by the desk was a huge pile of folded clothes that partially hid the laptop resting on top of the desk. On the farther corner, some sports stuff were shoved together, mostly balls and baseball bats. It seemed like a ridiculous amount of sportive gear for a single person, but what was even more shocking was to picture the boy as being that active when he seemed to be stuck inside his apartment during summer. 

"Wow" Alexander finally said, lips parted in amazement. His feet felt glued to the floor as he simply stared at the bats. Jonathan seemed genuinely surprised at his reaction. He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes a little, clearly investigative. Alexander didn't seem to realize it. "Do you even use all that?" He pointed at the balls lying on the floor, eyes wide with curiosity.

"What?" 

"The balls. And bats. And a... Glove?" Alexander felt his feet being drawn to the pile of stuff and stepped forward, crouching down to better examine all things there. One of the few things he missed about school were his Physical Education classes.

"No, not that! I mean, yes, I do." It was Jonathan's turn to be confused, his shadow looming over Alexander as he stood with his back to the window. He stared down at the other. "It's just. Ah, never mind. I guess you are clever after all." He chuckled before crouching next to the taller one, thin hands shuffling through the mess of items before he got to a particular glove. He smiled at it for a moment.

Alexander turned to see what he held and noticed with fascination that it wasn't just an ordinary glove - it presented signatures. _Autographs_. He eyed Jonathan furtively before looking back at the glove. "You know, you could buy a boat selling that." He spoke in a low voice.

"And why would I do that? It's not like they'd let me sail it." Jonathan had a hint of annoyance in his voice and Alexander couldn't tell if it was due to his suggestion or the fact that he was right about not sailing the thing. "I may be stunningly intelligent for my age but the law doesn't work like that, does it."

"How old are you?"

"Guess." Jonathan smirked, amused.

Alexander measured him thoroughly and he saw that even though the boy looked fine, his frame was rather thin, bony elbows up on equally bony knees, his denim pants rolled up his thighs. They were too big for him. The fingers holding the glove showed bitten nails. Back to his face, he could see his lips slightly damaged from biting and pulling at their skin. For some reason, he never really took the time to watch people that up close. He was so used to let things just pass by him. Life, classmates, relatives. The only other person in the world he bothered knowing was his sister, but that partially due to her pushy nature, he thought. A strange feeling got stuck in his throat and he coughed, standing up and slapping imaginary dust off his pants. "I-I don't know. Same as mine? Fourteen?" Safe answer.

"Wrong. I'm thirteen, but it was close enough." The other snickered, shoving the glove under the bats. "Funny." He stood up as well, a crooked smile plastered on his face. "I thought you were older than that." His eyes were bold and Alexander had no idea what to think of it. Was he making fun of him? 

"I guess my sister's experiments with my skin must have gone wrong." It was Alexander's time to smile, aquamarine eyes displaying an innocent gaze as he held his hand out. "You can call me Alec."

Jonathan's eyes went from his hand to his face, misty and unreadable as he firmly shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, Alec. I'm Jace." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how did you like it?? 
> 
> Do you find my chapters too long or too short? Please let me know and thank you for your support <3


	3. Break the Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to dedicate this chapter (although unrelated to this fandom) to Chester Bennington, Linkin Park's former vocalist. May his soul rest in peace... 
> 
> Depression and anxiety are serious and should be properly addressed to, so if any of you are suffering, you are entitled help and love and sympathy. If you know someone who is, be empathetic, show them you care. Every life matters, don't ever forget that! :)

"So... How was it? Was I right?! C'mon, Alec, tell me everything!" Isabelle Lightwood had a very particular set of eyes that seemed lit up whenever she was excited. She had this glow to her that was nearly contagious - that is, if you're not Alexander. Her hands were flailing in front of her as she plopped down on her bed, waiting for her brother to follow her inside her room and close the door. 

The boy sighed, scratching the back of his neck and shaking his head. "No, you were wrong." He laced his fingers behind his head as he sat down her glamorous fancy chair near her make-up stuff. There was a huge mirror near him but his own reflection was partially hidden by scarves hanging from one of its edges. "It was, well, odd? Mom was all formal. Not _work_ formal. Just, you know, like she is with our cousins." He made an uninterested face at that, merely illustrating, his eyes idly set on her broad collection of colorful Monster High eyeliners. He realized they hadn't spent time enough for him to have much to tell, now that he thought about it. "I couldn't get much from the woman, but Ja-" He broke off, Isabelle raising an intrigued eyebrow at his abrupt pause.

There was a sudden feeling clutching at his chest, telling him that sharing the boy's nickname with people was somehow forbidden. Jace should be entitled to choose who gets to call him what names, he thought, clearing his throat and faking exaggerated coughs as the reason why he stopped talking. Of course the girl could see it was all an act, but she played along, eyes narrowing a bit at her brother but still eager. " _Jo_ nathan, yes." She encouraged Alexander to continue, nodding frantically. 

He swallowed. "Jonathan looked pretty, uhm,  _healthy_. No wounds, no scars, no signs of starvation... At least, as far as I think starvation would _look_ like."

"Oh." She seemed disappointed, pursing her lips together and looking down at her legs for a moment. Her bed was tall enough for her feet to be dangling distractedly from it, only a couple of inches from the floor. Of course, she was relieved the boy wasn't beaten up, but she sort of craved for a story to tell her friends.

"He had an arsenal of sports stuff in his room, as ironic as it sounds." Alexander shrugged. He stretched an arm in front of him and opened his hand, watching his long fingers attentively.

"Why is that ironic? He could be hiding them for someone, a person powerful enough to-"

"Enough, Izzy." The older sibling wasn't annoyed, but his tone was final. He dropped both hands on his knees, tapping fingers lightly over the fabric of his jeans. He caught the sight of his sister pouting at him with a frown and flashed a lopsided smile. "They were his, I'm positive."

"Fine." She mumbled, letting her back hit the bed so she could stare up at the ceiling. She jerked her head slightly. "Ah! What about his looks? Tell me about his looks!"

"Uhm..." It was a good thing she was not looking at him at that precise moment. Alexander just sat there for a moment, staring down at his knuckles and how his tendons seemed to be slightly more visible. He noticed he was clutching at his knees with more force than he should. Sure. That wasn't the first time he had been asked about boys by his sister and it was already established he sucked at giving her fine descriptions of their looks. He seemed to be constantly off of mundane things in a way, but it was different this time. Instead of being unable to provide her with details, he feared he couldn't give them properly. It felt odd and awkward. He frowned and pursed his lips, taking a deep breath. "He shines like gold."

He felt tiny as an engulfing silence took over the room. Isabelle seemed to have been depleted of her questions and even if she did have more, it suddenly didn't feel like the right time to be making them. She slowly raised herself, propped onto her flexed elbows, to look at her brother. Her eyes were curious, but gentle. She stared, the wheels inside her head already put into work. "Not like the sun, huh?" Her voice was barely a whisper as it left her lips.

The boy wondered why the hell he had to say it like he did. Alexander couldn't quite feel his fingertips as he slid his hands nervously over his thighs, smoothing imaginary wrinkles. He caught the sun setting outside Isabelle's window and watched. However embarrassed he felt, the first thing that came to his mind was a sense of relief. He sighed with a shadow of a smirk.  _No, not like the sun. Like gold_...

* * *

**Break the Silence**

The whole commotion from Maryse's part ended up being a leak in Celine's bathroom that started ruining the tiles on Maryse and Robert's own bathroom, but the woman willingly agreed on fixing it as soon as she could and by the end of the week the Lightwoods had already changed the loose tiles by new ones. It was a good thing to have peaceful dinners with his parents again, Alexander thought, though for some reason he felt that his father not going would be brought up any time by his mother. Those small things worked like time bombs in her hands, he knew that, but he willed himself to push the thought aside. 

As for Isabelle, he could feel she still hadn't quenched her thirst for information on him. He saw in every glance she threw at him, or caught her off guard, staring at the apartment's door deep in thought. The thing was, she wouldn't bring it up to Alexander and when he did push her to see if she wanted to go with him, check if she still resented him for going on his own and try to make up for it, she didn't say much. He wondered if maybe she started having an imaginary crush on the boy and was too shy to admit - though honestly, the thought of a shy Isabelle was anything but normal. The idea had him bothered, but from what he had seen from his classmates, twelve was usually when they had their first loves and silly love letters. Even being two years older than her, he couldn't get that sort of fixation for anyone. Still, he wondered. Alexander had no idea what he himself wanted from meeting Jace. He never had any friends in their building. The realization that he was a loner didn't strike him as a lie or a burdensome one and he had never tried to mingle that much, actually. But they were _neighbors_. He could get used to having someone to go to the beach next door...

Saturday came and after lunch, both Alexander and Isabelle were urged to take their showers and then get dressed up. Since they rarely attended family events, they had to go see their cousins from time to time. They would probably go for a coffee and then stay until dinner. That gave Isabelle plenty of time to pick whatever fancy outfit she wanted while the boy simply stared at his bland array of clothes after taking a shower: they were mostly dark colors or simply black. It didn't particularly bother him but he knew his aunts would be inquiring him, teasing about his goth looks. He frowned, towel wrapped around his waist as he pulled a lead gray shirt with squared buttons. It was fancier than he liked to dress but he hoped that would please his aunts enough to leave him alone.

As he closed his wardrobe, there was a knock on his bedroom door. "Yes?" Alexander said absently, running fingers on his damp hair to push it back. It was starting to grow longer than he was used to, a stubborn fringe clinging to his forehead. 

"There's someone here for you, Alec." His mother sounded from outside the room. Her voice sounded disturbingly childish, as a mother does when her baby says their first words. Only he was too old for there. "There you go..." He heard her say on a lower tone before the door opened.

He eyed the person walking in and his eyes widened instantly: Jace. As a stupid reflex, he pressed the shirt close to his chest, shoulders tensing. He felt more naked than he should.

"H-hey." He was genuinely astonished.

Jace laughed, closing the door behind him before holding a finger up, pointing at Alexander. "I guess I should've waited until you put your bra on." He was amused and relaxed, very different from the stance he had when they first interacted. There was a very particular glow to his eyes this time.

"Right." Alexander frowned slightly, though not sure if at the other or at himself. He wasn't very good at the talking back thing. He relaxed his shoulders, gently laying the shirt onto his bed to grab the pair of pants he left on the back of his chair. He knew he had to say something, make conversation, but he wasn't sure of what to say so he just pretended to be too focused on getting dressed to even bother. Besides, he felt really exposed and just wanted to be just as dressed as the other soon. His eyes stole a look of Jace and he saw he wore jeans that were fit, unlike the ones he was wearing the day they met, a T-shirt partially shoved into the front of his jeans. Maybe if Alexander dressed like that he could pass by a normal kid before the rest his family, he thought as he shrugged.

"So..." It was Jace who broke the ice. He wasn't bothered by it, eyes wide and curious and checking every single console Alexander owned with interest. "I knew there  _was_ something wrong about you." Jace was serious, turning to Alexander fast enough to let his golden hair fall partially over his eyes. He shook his head, his eyes partially hidden.

The Lightwood boy was unwrapping the towel hesitantly, mentally thanking himself for having worn his underwear already. He froze, tilting his head in confusion. The way Jace put it almost sound as if... "What?"

The other boy was already pointing emphatically at the pile of games by his PS3. "I can't believe you haven't got a single Tekken here, man!" He was furiously shaking his head, face contorted in frustration. "If I only knew, I wouldn't even bother to come." His voice cracked a bit.

"I only own good games, alright." Alexander had the decency to ignore it. He was going to ask what the hell Jace was doing there, but he felt it would be invasive. Even if it was his room that was being visited with no prior notice. He would be leaving soon for that boring family evening, so he deserved some quality time before facing agony. "If you came here to complain about my games, I have an old copy of that horrible Playboy Mansion game lying somewhere. I could get it for you..."

Jace grimaced. "Now why would you have _that_?"

"My uncle thought it was a _man's true game_." Alexander folded his towel and placed it over an empty corner of his desktop. His eyes were avoiding the other boy as he spoke, but he managed to keep his voice calm. 

"Well, he clearly has some better research to do at that." Jace was staring at him, unreadable as his eyes could be.

Alexander felt a strange sensation surge within him. His skin felt cold, but hot, all at once and nothing at the same time. It was awkward. He needed his sister. His sister, _of course_. "Have you met my sister already?" It took him a while before he finished buttoning his dark jeans, light steps leading him back to the shirt which he gracefully slid on.

"Your sister?" Jace blinked. "I haven't, no. Why?"

 "Because I bet she still thinks you're being held captive by _the woman next door_." Alexander tried to fake a horror movie intonation, already going for the door before Jace could do anything but stare at him in shock. "Yeah, I know, hold on a second." He stood by the door for a second, turning to look at Jace from over his shoulder. "Sure you don't want that Playboy game?"

Jace made a face at him, but he could tell he was holding back his laughter. He chuckled and with a swift turn of his doorknob, left the room, closing it behind him. He leaned against the door before glancing at Isabelle's room. The door was closed so she probably had left the shower and was getting dressed. He needed her there for him or else his hands wouldn't stop buttoning his shirt wrong.

"Izzy?" He called out from outside her room.

"Just five more minutes, come _on_!"

Alexander chuckled. He slowly turned the knob, leaving only a crack for his voice to be heard. "Time seems to pass by real slow in your room."

"Haha, very funny, Alec. What do you want?"

His eyes were attentively watching the shadows his sister cast onto the floor. He wouldn't dare spy on her. "You know, just telling you Jonathan is here." It was so awkward to hear the other's name coming out of his mouth. "You know, in case you're interested." He dropped it casually and was already retreating when he felt her pulling the door back open. He could see she was wearing a very bright pink dress with black stars embroidered on its high neckline. Her stockings were stripped of the same black and pink which gave her a very childish look, but he knew she did it just so their ants found her adorable. After all, that outfit was their gift.

"Jonathan is _here_?" Her eyes were as bright as flaming stars, a glittered purple eyeliner giving her a very peculiar look. He liked her bold colors. She stared down at his half-buttoned shirt for a moment, then back up at his face. The action seemed pointless, but it bothered Alexander for some reason.

"Yes. And if you promise to behave, you can come and see him for yourself." He stared back at her, whose fingers were already working on the remaining buttons of his shirt with ease. He really should be better at this big brother thing, but hey. He knew how to braid her hair at least, right.

"Alright, alright..." She whined, eyebrows frowned in a thick line as they walked to his room. Alexander wasn't very good with pranks but she still looked suspicious. "This is not some kind of stupid joke, right? I mean, do you even know how to invite people over?" She had her hands on her waist, raising her eyebrow at him as he went for his room's door.

The tall boy rolled his eyes. He should be offended by that but why bother. He really was terrible at calling people or making invitations in general. No wonder his birthday parties were usually lame and full of Isabelle's friends instead. He grimaced at the memory of her friends giddily giggling at him. "You tell me." And with that, he opened the door.

Jace wasn't there. Alexander's eyes widened in shock as he ran for the window. A dumb reflex, really, especially since it was tightly shut from the inside, but he couldn't help looking out. Nothing. He looked around himself, dumbfound and confused. His hands were shaking a little. "But..."

Isabelle took a few steps into the room and crossed her arms tightly, the look on her face a mixture of annoyance and frustration. "Of all people. Even from dad I'd expect pranks, but you?" Her voice was sharp for a kid. 

"But... He was right here, alright!" Alexander was visibly puzzled and a little disturbed. Had he imagined the boy?

"And now I'm _here_..." A voice came from nowhere. Isabelle was just as shocked as her brother, scanning the room with attentive eyes when a figure emerged from under Alexander's bed.

Jace.

"Dude, you really do have that shitty game." He crawled out until he could stand up properly, waving a dusty copy of the Playboy Mansion game at Alexander. The tall boy blushed and tried to grab the box before Jace showed it to Izzy, but failed. "You have a very naughty brother, miss..."

"Izzy. Call me Izzy." Isabelle was smiling as she approached the boy, not actually registering the box he had in his hand. She had her hands behind her back, leaning forward to examine him, clearly ignoring Alexander's protests from behind Jace's back. "Jonathan, right?"

Jace seemed to momentarily freeze at his own name and Alexander took the opportunity to snatch the game from his hold, frowning as he ditched it into the trash can under his writing desk. He was jealous for some reason, but he couldn't tell if he was jealous of Izzy or Jace. He frowned harder, staring from one to the other. The other boy seemed relaxed again, and Isabelle was bright, really. He supposed Jace was the type most girls would find 'good-looking' with all the gold and everything, but he never fathomed his own sister having eyes for guys he knew.

"Right." Jace shifted on his feet a little and glanced at Alexander, thoughtfully. He seemed to be looking for something, a signal the dark-haired boy couldn't quite understand what it was. Jace sighed and turned back to Isabelle. "But as I told your brother, you can call me Jace." He flashed a faint smile at her.

Alexander's features had softened a bit. At least they were getting along. Jace was way different than what he was back in his apartment, when he was all stares and seriousness. "See? I told you he didn't get kidnapped, Izzy." 

Isabelle's jaw dropped and she seemed to be fighting for words, eyes darting from Jace to glare at Alexander, who simply shrugged his shoulders. "That's not- I didn't-"

Jace laughed, shaking his head. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you never leave the apartment?" Both Lightwood kids spoke in chorus, surprising even themselves as they did. They exchanged awkward looks before staring back at Jace. 

"Ah, that..." His shoulders dropped a little and his eyes were searching the floor, aimlessly. He was clearly struggling to keep speaking further.

Alexander caught the shape of Maryse Lightwood past Jace's, leaning against the door frame. An honest smile curled her lips up as she spoke. "Who would've thought Alec had made a new friend?"

"Mom!" People had a sadistic pleasure out of embarrassing him, Alexander thought.

Maryse ignored him. "I'm afraid we're leaving now, Jonathan. But please, feel free to come over anytime." She straightened up. "Alexander, Isabelle. Why aren't you ready yet?"

Both children frowned, but it was Jace who spoke, turning around to face Maryse. "Wait." He was hesitant, they could tell. "Can I, uhm, go with you? Or just, I don't know, stay here?" He nearly sounded ashamed to be asking them those questions. Did he even know where they were going? He couldn't stop staring down at his feet as he clenched his fists. "I mean, I can't be home right now. Someone's... Someone's coming over. I can't be there."

It was weird to hear him like that. Alexander couldn't help but take a step towards him, patting his shoulder. He wasn't very good with words, but he felt that was the right thing to do. Jace didn't say anything, but his fists eased their grip at the touch.

"I don't know, Jonathan..."

Isabelle looked at the two boys for a moment before turning to their mother with pleading eyes. "Let him come with us, mom! Pleeease?" She made a dramatic face.

Maryse sighed. "Alright. I'll bring you the phone so you can at least let your mother know you're out with us." 

Isabelle looked triumphant, turning to her brother. "I can't believe that, Alec! Aren't you happy?"

Alexander blinked at her. He was still processing what had just happened. "Yeah, I think so." He mumbled, though not sure why she put it like that. Inside his chest, he felt this strange feeling he couldn't tell if it was bad or good. He was quiet, going for a pair of socks and sneakers on the floor.

"Don't mind him. He's like that sometimes." The girl said, noticing that Jace was watching Alexander with an intrigued look on his face. She smiled. "Well, I should go get my sandals."

Maryse had talked to Robert about Jace and made some additional comments, so the man was being as gentle as he could to the boy. Alexander thought they were probably really happy their son would finally be friends with someone and be a little more normal. He couldn't blame them. If it weren't for the way he got along with Isabelle and liked to be outside whenever he could, they would take him for a sociopath or something like that. He sighed at those thoughts, looking out of the window of his father's car. He had the window glass down to feel the warm breeze on his skin, a thin grin forming at his lips. Next to him, Jace sat with his head laid back against the seat, half-lidded eyes cast onto the car ceiling, probably trying to ignore the music blasting from Isabelle's headphones. They almost looked like the picture perfect family.

* * *

It took them about forty minutes to arrive at their destination. Robert found a good parking spot in front of a very big two-story house with a vast garden in front of it, with enough room to have a wooden swinging bench and a stone fountain. The house itself had a modern look to it, flat stone steps leading to its frosted glass front doors. Robert showed Jace the way and so everyone else followed after them, Alexander elbowing his sister to urge her to take her headphones off. She reluctantly did, shoving them in her purse along with her cell phone. Maryse was telling Jace something about their lack of flowers in the entry way and how she despised it. She was about to go on when the doors opened.

A woman stood there. She had the body of an athlete, with shoulders much broader than the rest of her chunky body. Their aunt used to be a swimmer back in the day. "Hey, you! I'm glad you came." She flashed them a half-smile, eyes landing on Jace as she tilted her head. "Who's this? I don't recall you having another son."

Maryse had a wicked smile as she placed a firm hand on Jace's shoulder, mostly as a gesture of reassurance. "This is Jonathan, my new neighbor's son. I didn't think it would be that much of a problem to bring Alec's friend along, Helen." She was calm, but there was a hint of amusement in her voice.

"Alexander's?" Helen was clearly surprised at that. "Well, it's not, of course it's not, sis. Your friends are always welcome here, Alexander. You know that."

Alexander nodded. Helen stepped aside and made wide gestures with her right hand, urging them in. As they walked towards the living room, Alexander gave Jace a brief explanation on his family. He told him about his mother having two sisters, both married but only one had kids: Helen. The house was hers and Arthur's and they had two children just like Maryse, only they were two girls, one was about Isabelle's age while the other was a year younger. His other aunt was Amatis and her husband was always late. Jace didn't look particularly interested in their family tree but he nodded anyway, eyes fixed on the many articles of art displayed on the rooms they passed by. They were mainly decorated vases, big and fancy and filled with pretty artificial flowers. By the time they got to the living room, the doorbell rang and Helen excused herself, mumbling something about Amatis's _lame husband_ under her breath.

Sitting on a large L-shaped couch was a man no older than Robert, the lightness on his features combined with the glass on his hand showing he was probably a little tipsy. He stood up to greet them and this time, Maryse introduced Jace first. He nodded at the boy and crouched in front of him and the two Lightwood kids, resting his glass on a coffee table near them before smiling at Isabelle. "She looks beautiful on this dress, doesn't she?" He looked up at Maryse, who simply rolled her eyes. Chuckling, he stood again, jerking a thumb towards the stairs behind the couch. "Your cousins are waiting upstairs." He shot an amused glanced at Alexander. "I'm happy to finally meet one of your friends, Alec!"

Isabelle and Alexander exchanged a curious look before excusing themselves. Isabelle grabbed Jace's wrist and led him to the stairs. From the distance, they could hear two voices talking to Helen but didn't feel all that inclined to talk to Amatis and her husband, quickly climbing the stairs and hoping Jace would follow them.

Once they were on the second floor, it was Alexander who broke the silence.

"That totally meant adult talk, right?"

"They only call our parents when it's adult talk, Alec."

"Yeah, I know." Alexander's eyes were fixed on a vase standing tall in the middle of the room they were in.

The second floor of the house had what they called the second living room, where they were. It gave access to a balcony to the back of the house and, as Jace counted, had four doors. Isabelle pointed at each of them: one was a bathroom, two were the girls' rooms and one was their parents' room. She added they had a spare room downstairs near their personal library, gesturing to show how big the house was. 

"What's with the vases?" Jace finally spoke, pointing at the same vase Alexander had been staring.

"My aunt sells them." Alexander said, turning to Jace. "She used to be a swimming teacher and a swimmer herself, but that screwed with her left shoulder. So she paints these."

"Oh." Jace watched Alexander for a moment, then his eyes darted away. "Well, I guess they are on that room?" He pointed at a door that was left ajar. Loud laughter could be heard from its direction. 

"Well, let me just, uhm, check if you can come along, ok?" Isabelle had an uncomfortable smile on her face as she lifted both hands up in apology, heading for the room.

Alexander looked a bit pale at that, slowly shaking his head. "They have the weirdest ways to try getting me to like them. S'all I'm saying." He said, pursing his lips in a thin line.

More laughter could be heard and then a sudden noise of people rushing and drawers being pulled. Isabelle yelled something but laughed along with them. Alexander could never tell how it was so easy for her to be with their cousins while it felt like a constant survival test for him. He was tense, his shoulders more straight than they usually were. They quietly waited for Isabelle to signal them in. Jace looked from the other boy to the room and then back to the boy, slightly amused.

"So you're the hot cousin, eh?" Jace elbowed the other with a mischievous grin.

Alexander shot him an indignant glare, his cheeks feeling warmer. "No way, no." He cleared his throat. "Just because they _might_ think so, it doesn't mean I am." He shrugged, frowning a little. He thought he saw Jace's lips starting to move in a reply, but the sight of Isabelle by the door interrupted him.

"It's safe now, boys! Come on!" She waved her hand and then disappeared again.

* * *

The room was a mess of dolls, posters, accessories, and so many colorful things. Jace got dizzy at the sight of it, placing a hand against the wall to steady himself. The girls were already introducing themselves and saying a lot of things about him that he couldn't quite capture, but he nodded at them and said he was Jonathan. No, not Jace. Apparently, all the Lightwoods had very strong genes because both girls also had very dark hair and bright blue eyes. They were eagerly scanning Jace from head to toe, making remark over remark.

"Enough." Alexander said, clearly irritated. He crossed his arms against his chest and stood beside Jace. The girls froze, shooting him hurt looks, but he ignored them. When he saw the mess of clothes on the floor, he was thankful Isabelle made them dress something more appropriate. Family meetings could be so awkward.

"Alec is so grumpy." One of the girls said. The younger one. She pouted, walking towards her nightstand.

"That's like stating water is wet." The other girl said, chuckling. She kept throwing furtive glances at Jace when she could, but her attention was still mainly on Alexander. "At least now he has a friend. Maybe next year he even gets a _girlfriend_." Her voice was poisonous, but then again, she was just twelve. She didn't know what that meant to Alexander.

He chocked at the comment, coughing and punching his own chest dramatically before Jace was behind him, tapping his back. His golden eyes went from him to the girl, narrowed to a point where they had a threatening edge to them. The girl took a step back, blinking at him. Isabelle was leaning against their wardrobe, watching the other girl fumbling with her stuff in the nightstand. She was ignoring the whole scene unfolding in the room, only glancing over her shoulder to check if her brother wasn't dying. He wasn't.

"Sorry." The older girl mumbled, scratching the back of her neck. "Should we play a game?" There was genuine hesitation on her voice as she bent over a pile of toys to reach for a plastic bottle.

"The bottle game is so boring, sis." Said the younger cousin, finally closing the drawer she had opened. She was holding an orange scarf. "Only people your age like to kiss othe people on games." She added, annoyed as she wrapped the scarf loosely around her neck.

Isabelle nodded. "She has a point." She could feel Alexander's relief. "We should play truth or dare." She saw approval in her cousins' eyes and turned to Jace and Alexander. "No kissing, of course."

"Yeah, alright." The older cousin was casually throwing the bottle up to catch it back with her hands as it fell. "But we don't have much room here." She jerked her head to the door and so they headed back to the second living room.

They sat on a circle near a few armchairs awkwardly placed, a bit far from the vase they were talking before. There were still a few hours before dinner, so Alexander hoped they wouldn't come up with any stupid ideas to frighten Jace until then. He dreaded those games in school and avoided them every time he could using the lamest excuses. To think of it, the only reasonable motive behind Alexander not being bullied by his classmates was the fact that he did really great in P.E. so the other boys were always fighting over who got to keep him in their team. Other than that, he couldn't understand why nobody teased him that much for being mostly antisocial.

They decided Isabelle should start and she spun it, eyes expectant as she waited for it to come to a halt. 

It finally did, its tip landing on the younger girl.

"So, truth or dare?"

Her cousin thought for a moment. "Truth!" Isabelle turned to her brother for some inspiration. "Hey! That's not fair!"

"Fine." Isabelle shrugged. She tapped her lips with one finger. "What's the worst Christmas gift you ever got?" Jace was looking at her for a moment, as if trying to get some kind of hidden meaning that wasn't there.

"My father once gave me these ugly My Little Pony gloves. I hated it." The younger girl made a face at the memory.

"Yeah, dad gives the worst gifts ever." Her sister nodded frantically at that, then jerked her head towards Isabelle who simply chuckled.

"Yeah, I hate this dress, too." Isabelle chuckled and backed away from the bottle. "You're next."

The younger cousin reached for the bottle and with some effort, set it into motion, eyes wide and watching as it slowed down until it pointed at Alexander. He tensed a bit, straightening up. The question came as she asked giddily and he seemed to be having a hard time picking which one he'd dread less.

"Hmm, truth, I guess?" Alexander decided, though he was clearly hesitant. His eyes were a shade lighter as he waited.

"There can only be three people in a row picking truth, huh!" The older cousin interfered, exhaling emphatically. "So after the third truth, the next person has to dare."

None of the others seemed to object. The youngest girl looked at Alexander with childish eyes. "How many people have you kissed so far?"

Alexander chocked. It was shocking to see she assumed he had already kissed, and even worse was that he had kissed more than one person. Their uncle spoiled them enough for Isabelle to feel some level of compassion and pity, but he had none of these. He felt invaded by their constant attempts at trying to picture him as some sort of prince. He knew it was a silly thing and that they would come around at some point. He was their cousin and it was comfortable for them to see him as a romantic interest but it made no sense. He thought it was easier for them to project whatever attributes they wanted in boys in him since he never showed around much, but this was so irritating. He was visibly not amused, creases forming in his forehead. He felt Jace's eyes on him and they were just as wide. He hated being the big attraction. His palms were sweating, clinging firmly to his knees. The only person not looking at him with some expectation was Isabelle, her face a mixture of desperation and pain. Alexander couldn't quite understand what that meant.

The dark-haired boy sighed and shook his head. He was fourteen already. He hoped he would be better than that. Better than awkward. "Not as many as you think." He mumbled, cheeks flushed as he stared with narrow eyes at the bottle. Stupid game. "My turn."

"But that's not even a number!"

"Yeah, Alec, that doesn't c-"

"Enough, girls. I said you could only be mean to me." Isabelle frowned at both of them, her eyes resolute. The girls didn't argue but they were pouting at her. She glanced at Alexander to check on him. His hand was slightly trembling as he flickered his wrist to turn the bottle but other than that he seemed to be fine.

As if rehearsed, it landed on Isabelle. He kindly smiled at her. "Truth or dare, Izzy?"

"Truth."

Alexander had a hard time thinking of a question to make because he didn't want to embarrass Isabelle in any way. He snapped his fingers as an idea hit him. "Do you think I look older than I am?"

Jace looked surprised before bursting into a fit of laughter, dropping to the floor on his back as he held his belly. Isabelle was intrigued and kept looking from one boy to the other, a coy smile forming on Alexander's lips as he tried to ignore Jace and keep his eyes on his sister. Their cousins stared judgmentally at the light-haired boy lying there, and from the looks on their faces they probably thought he was a crazy piece of work.

"I don't know. Maybe?" Isabelle was wary of how it would hit Alexander. "You're so tall and everything. Are you worried about your looks?" She added with a raised eyebrow.

Jace was sitting again, rubbing his eyes. "Hey, it was your turn to answer, not his." He said, winking at Alexander playfully.

"I already spun the bottle once, so..." Isabelle raised both her hands.

"I'll do it." The older cousin spoke. She scooted closer and seemed to be calculating something, biting on her tongue and frowning as she spun the bottle. If it had been foreseen or not, they wouldn't know, but it did land on Jace. She was thrilled. "Truth or dare?"

"I don't have much of a choice, do I. Dare." Jace shrugged. 

"I dare you and Alec to have a slapping contest." She calmly said, nodding as if her idea was the brightest of all. "The one who manages to slap the other's head first wins."

Everyone looked at her in puzzlement. What crappy dare was that even. Alexander wondered if it was a way to make him feel more comfortable since he had a better time with physical activities, but still. To have that on Jace who just met them was too much. Isabelle raised a finger and began to protest, but she felt a hand on her own. Jace's.

"If Alec's okay with it." His golden eyes were dense and held the taller boy's gaze for a split second with such intensity it almost seemed they were closing business deals. He stood up and held a hand out for Alexander.

The taller boy took it with a confused look on his face. He threw his messy hair back as both boys took a few steps away from the circle in order to avoid hitting the girls by accident.

"This is stupid." Alexander tilted his head, trying to find something in Jace's eyes. Nothing, again. "I don't really want to hit you." He spoke under his breath so just Jace could hear him.

"Are you kidding me? Your cousins are probably more into that Playboy game of yours than you yourself." Jace said with a grin, though his voice was somewhat worried. "Be happy they didn't ask me to dance tango naked." He chuckled, planting his feet steadily on the floor and waiting for the other to do the same.

Alexander rolled his eyes, raising both hands with their palms up. "Fine."

The girl who dared Jace counted to three and let them fight. Well, it didn't quite look like a fight since their hands were very stiff. It was as if they were holding pancakes and trying to smash them on each other in a very awkward succession of moves and dodges. Alexander started walking around Jace and the other caught up with his pace. They were circling each other, looking for openings. Both looked unskilled and ungracious in the way their limbs lunged and failed to hit the other, but they were clearly trying more viciously each time. The girls started yelling commands and suggestions, cheering for one or the other. It was silly and simple but it had its brilliance. Isabelle's eyes held a very particular spark to them as she watched.

They were so into it that they didn't notice they started pacing towards the vase. The girls were too busy trying to predict their moves to even warn them and in one of Jace's lunges, Alexander dodged to the side, leaving the golden-haired boy nothing but the vase to hit. When he realized it, it was already too late, his open palm landing hard on the vase's surface and knocking it down. It broke into a million little pieces, echoing throughout the room as it shattered down. Both boys had only time to cover themselves with their arms while the girls jumped out of the radius of the shattering vase. They were all open-mouthed and startled, looking from the shards to the boys and back to what was left of the vase. Silence seemed to take the best of them. They all exchanged looks to check if everyone was alright but were unable to speak or move. Jace was particularly alarmed, his eyes glittering more than what Alexander had seen.

They heard quick steps coming from the stairs.

"Alexander!? Isabelle!?" Maryse called out, stomping up to find that ungodly mess on the floor. "Oh God..." Her face grew pale and she started for the kids, trusting her shoes to prevent her from hurting her feet on the shards as she examined the kids with her eyes, looking for scratches. More steps could be heard and so Amatis and Helen up were there, their eyes just as wide as Maryse's.

"What the-"

"I'm never having kids. Ever." Amatis muttered, shaking her head in shock.

"Not now, Amatis." Maryse spoke sharply as she got to Jace.

All the Lightwood kids seemed fine. The girls were quietly watching what would happen. They didn't dare say a thing. Isabelle was the only one who looked genuinely in shock, her eyes set on Jace.

"Oh, darling, your hand!" Maryse carefully crouched in front of him, taking his wrist to force his hand open. There was a thin red line running down his palm. The boy winced as she ran her fingers through the cut, searching for any shards that could be lodged there. "It's ok, there's nothing here. We'll take care of you in a moment. Now..." She started, standing up again and shooting a glance over her shoulder to her sisters before either of them could say anything. "Anyone care to explain me what happened here?" She watched all the children attentively.

Jace opened his mouth but Alexander stepped in front of him, licking his lips. "It was me, mom." He averted his eyes to the ruined shards of the vase. "I'm sorry, aunt Helen." He couldn't bring himself to actually feel sorry. He hated that house and all of its vases. But he felt truly sorry for causing Jace that. If he could go back in time, he would've willingly allowed Jace to slap him hard on the face. As many times as he liked just so he didn't have to hurt his hand. "We were just playing and I miscalculated and. Well, that's it."

He was a terrible liar. Maryse knew that but said nothing, looking at her son with a resigned face. "We can pay whatever it is you charge for your _art_." There was a hint of sarcasm in her voice that only Amatis seemed to get because she covered her mouth with a hand to hide her reaction, trying to look neutral.

Helen was visibly offended at that, pointing at her girls. "No money can pay the harm that could've caused my children, Maryse!" She looked down on Alexander, her eyes blazing. The woman that sounded so friendly not even long ago was replaced by a very angry one, her face growing darker.

"It was an accident, Helen." She said, unaffected by her sister. "Boys are clumsy at this age."

"That's my _work_  you're talking about." Helen narrowed her eyes, setting them on Alexander. Her daughters were clearly uncomfortable with the whole scene and took careful steps back into their rooms. Amatis found it the perfect moment to go back downstairs and resume her conversation with their husbands in the house's library.

"Then I suggest you place it somewhere else while you're having children over." There was hostility in Maryse's voice as she spoke. "That's my _son_ you're talking about."

Before anything else could be said, Jace started for the only door left open there and shut it behind him. The bathroom. Alexander followed him with his eyes but remained where he was.

"That's okay, mom. I screwed up." He looked down at his own hands. Was it even worth it? To dodge that slap, that is. He felt the guilt inside him swelling, ripping his lungs apart and taking over his stomach. He thought he heard both women tell him to mind his language, but he was too far gone in his thoughts. 

Maryse and Helen were staring at each other for a moment before letting him know they were going downstairs to decide how to clean that whole mess up. Maryse insisted that Alexander go with them, but he jerked his head towards the bathroom. She sighed and left him there. His blue eyes were darker, sadness taking most of their ocean color as he watched the door. He stepped closer and wondered if he should knock or simply walk in. He leaned against it instead, one ear pressed hard against its wooden surface. From the other side, he could hear sobs and that made his own eyes burn. He barely knew that boy, why feeling that way? But what happened was an accident indeed. They were just having fun and it wasn't even their idea to begin with. It was unfair. He pressed both eyes shut, breathing slowly. The sobs from the other side were scarce but were still there.

Sometimes, kindness was about telling people it was okay to cry. That they should let it all out. Show them some support.

Alexander clenched his fingers on the knob and tried to turn it in the noisiest way possible to announce his presence. He quickly stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Jace was standing with his back to the door, pressing the cut on his right hand with his left thumb. He was hunched over the sink, arms supporting his thin frame on the counter there. His shoulders were shaking violently at each sob and Alexander could swear they jerked when he got in, but the boy wouldn't turn to face him.

"You're not an X-men, you know." Alexander said, jokingly. "Or whatever is supposed to heal real fast."

That caught the other's attention, who looked up at him from under his golden fringe. Part of his hair was glued to his cheeks due to the tears. Alexander stepped forward until he stood next to Jace, holding a hand out. "Let me put something on your cut."

Jace straightened his back as he turned to Alexander. He looked miserable, but made no objections as the dark-haired boy reached for the cabinet over the sink and got some cotton and other things Jace wasn't paying attention to start working on his cut. He winced at Alexander's abrupt touches, but didn't complain. He just watched as the other put a band-aid over the small affected area of his right palm.

"There." Alexander said, proudly. His eyes were serious, nearly sapphire as they stared at the other's hand in his own. "It comes with being old. You know, putting band-aids with precision." He shrugged with a half-heart smile.

Jace rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, going to the sink to splash some water over his face. He wouldn't speak, looking more like the boy Alexander first met in his apartment. The Lightwood boy wouldn't dare tell him that so he just blinked, expressionless.

Sometimes, kindness was about respecting people's vulnerabilities and giving them some room. Acting as if nothing happened.

While they were there, Helen told the whole commotion to the husbands and soon every adult in the house was trying to clean as many shards as they would, ranting and mumbling and cursing. The scene would be funny in other occasions, but Alexander could still feel the air getting heavier around Jace as they walked out of the bathroom. A few remarks were made and Robert was very specific about how surprised he was to learn that, of all people, it had to be his son to cause this mess. Both Maryse and him made it clear they weren't in the mood for dinner and thought it was best to drive Jace back home. 

Isabelle was the first to hop in the car after they said goodbye to their relatives, headphones back to her ears blasting her electro songs.

As they drove back, Maryse had an enigmatic smirk on her face. "We should have some cake."

"What on Earth? Helen was really upset." Robert couldn't take his eyes off the road but his voice gave away his exasperation.

"All the more reasons. He saved us all from her in the end, didn't he?" She replied with a shrug. "That vase was probably hideous anyway."

Jace was looking down at his band-aid as Alexander saw it: the thin ghost of a smile forming on his lips. Looking at Jace like that felt good somehow, he thought as he looked away. He almost regretted not having smashed any vases himself before.


	4. Prismatic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW] Ok, so this is the chapter suicide is mentioned. There are no details, no descriptions. It is merely mentioned, but I felt like warning you guys anyway.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

After that disastrous introduction to the Lightwood family, Jace remained silent all the way to the elevator and no one dared to bother him. Maryse was holding a huge chocolate cake wrapped in a pink package and insisted he should try it, but he shook his head in refusal and went straight to his apartment. Alexander was sure he saw the boy looking back at him before closing the door but he supposed it was just his imagination.

"Now that was awkward." Isabelle checked her nails idly as she sat on the armchair in her bedroom.

Alexander was standing next to her, resting on her wardrobe, arms crossed, gazing absently out the window. He shrugged. "Aunt Helen's always awkward."

"I wish we could bring the girls to spend summer with us." The girl said, ignoring his comment. She stood up and took small steps towards her brother. She glanced at the direction Alexander had his eyes fixed on but found nothing particularly interesting to see outside. She turned back to her brother and watched him go white at her suggestion.

"You can't be serious." Alexander was visibly disturbed at the thought of his two cousins around all the time. He shook his head to push the thought away. He heard Isabelle snickering and glared at her. "They would turn my life into a very miserable reality show. You know that."

"Yeah, I do. But..." She looked down at her hands with a very serious expression. "I just think we're very lucky we have mom, s'all." 

"I guess." Alexander mumbled without much conviction. 

He peeled his back off the wardrobe and started for the door. He never really gave much thought about what would be like to have aunt Helen as a mother and maybe that was what annoyed him so much about his cousins. He couldn't understand their demeanor, especially when Isabelle's was so different. Half of his childhood he spent thinking they were the way they were because they're girls, but that made no sense as Isabelle grew up and showed him that some things were like they were regardless of gender. He felt so immature sometimes. 

"Alec?"

She pulled him back from his thoughts. He had been staring down at the doorknob on his hand for a while. "Hmm?" Alexander said over his shoulder.

Isabelle smiled. "Did you have fun today?"

Alexander knitted his eyebrows for a moment. He thought of Jace's laughter on his stupid question and how it lit the room they were in, and then he thought of the other boy's hand in his. His clothes felt warmer than they should at the memories. His features softened and he finally looked back at his sister. "I did."

The girl watched his face attentively, her smile fading as she stepped towards her bed. "Goodnight, Alec."

"Goodnight." Alexander mumbled and left. Once in his room, he wondered what Izzy meant with those questions. People's intentions were so hard to understand.

* * *

  **Prismatic**

Sunday was sunny and hot, making Alexander wake up earlier than he intended just to turn on his air conditioning. He pulled the curtains of his room open and looked out the window, watching the beach filled with people and their colorful sunshades. Children could be seen as tiny shapes moving fast and throwing things at each other. He sighed. It was the perfect day to go for a swim. Since there were mostly families there, he knew he wouldn't be bothered by strangers trying to interact and befriend him. They would be too busy socializing with themselves, thankfully.

"Alexander, are you having breakfast with us?" His mother yelled from outside his room. He was planning on sleeping a little bit more but decided against it, shuffling his bare feet towards the door instead.

"Yeah, I'm coming." Alexander mumbled as he scratched his belly and fixed the waistband of the checkered boxers he slept on. He slid one of the used T-shirts he kept on the back of his chair and left his room. After using the bathroom and quickly washing his face, he found his parents and Isabelle waiting for him at the kitchen table, a variety of fruit and cereals placed on the table. He sat next to his sister and reached for a banana, still not quite awake.

"So, what are your plans for today?" Maryse asked, raising her eyebrows in a genuine display of curiosity as she looked at her children. Robert was trying to peel an orange without screwing his fingers like he usually did and didn't seem to pay her much attention.

Alexander shrugged. "Maybe I'll go to the beach." He took a big bite of the banana, his cheeks barely keeping it all inside. He looked at Isabelle as he chewed on it. 

Maryse glared at him. "Someday, you'll have important business meals, Alexander."

He ignored her.

"I was thinking about inviting Clary over. Is that okay?" Isabelle's eyes went from Maryse to Robert. 

"You mean you already did, didn't you, Izzy?" Alexander sounded mildly amused, swallowing the entire bite he took and grimacing a little in the process. The girl rolled her eyes. He was used to Isabelle's friends coming over on Sundays.

"Of course, my dear." Robert finally spoke, proudly nodding at himself as he turned the orange in his hand. He wouldn't look at Maryse, but the woman expressed her consent with a nod.

Alexander made a mental remark about that orange looking more like a piece of art than the vase he broke. Well, the vase _Jace_ broke, that is. His eyes widened a bit. Jace, of course! Although he was not very familiar with being friends with a neighbor and didn't have any friends he was used to inviting over or going out like Isabelle did, he thought he could invite Jace to go with him. A part of him was worried about the boy after seeing him so silent the day before, but he didn't know what to do about it. Perhaps some physical activity could do them both some good so things weren't left at such an awkward note. 

There was something else as well, but he couldn't tell exactly what.

"Very well, then. Your father and I need to go to the supermarket after lunch." Maryse held a piece of paper with a lot of notes in it, the handwriting in it clearly not hers or Robert's. "You two should stop asking for Ms. Herondale to add this many pop-tarts to the list, seriously." 

Isabelle smiled sheepishly at that, picking at the grapes she had in her bowl.

As Alexander finished his banana, he excused himself from the table and headed back to his room, picking out comfortable clothes - a pair of gray swimming bermuda shorts, black trunks and a worn out black tank top - and headed to the bathroom. 

Leaning against the bathroom door, he held the clothes tightly, eyes shut as more images from the day before came flooding his mind. He thought of Jace walking into his room, when he was barely dressed. It wasn't like no one had ever seen him shirtless but he felt so exposed. He kept telling himself it was the shock of having the other over unannounced, but that was bullshit and he knew it. He started working on his lower lip, feeling embarrassed. His knuckles were white as he was nearly crumpling the clothes on his hold, so he placed them on the basin counter and moved to the basket where the dirty clothes were, quickly undressing and throwing both T-shirt and boxers into it. He stared down at his own body. He was being pathetic. He was used to getting naked around other boys in the school showers. He couldn't help feeling more stupid at himself, stepping into the shower.

Alexander let the cold water fall down on him, his wet hair clinging to his face like a spider clings to its newly-laid eggs. The water drew random patterns down his skin, chills running all the way down his spine. The contrast between his body temperature and the cold spreading on his skin felt really good. He closed his eyes, resting an open hand on the wall to keep his balance. He already knew what made his nerves tingle, what had them craving for a very specific sort of attention. The boy dropped his head forward to let the water fall directly onto the back of his neck, his other hand already working on one of his nipples. He was so used to taking a long time thinking on something to masturbate to, but the remains of the embarrassment he felt naturally put his mind to work...

 _He thought of him in his room, naked and horny and touching himself in all the right places, spread on his bed_. He shivered. _What if he forgot to lock the door_? His hand went down from his nipple to his stomach, short fingernails lightly scratching his wet skin as he went on, coiling his fingers around his cock. He gasped as he stoked himself slowly, to the point where he had to keep his hips from moving. _The door was unlocked and there he was, fully exposed and aware of the risk that someone could walk in_. 

He whimpered in an attempt to keep his voice to a minimum, stroking himself faster now. _He was sweating, one hand on his cock while the other teased his nipples nonstop_. _He moaned out loud, jerking his head back. He heard steps_. In the shower, he felt his cock swelling and a very familiar feeling growing in the pit of his stomach, taking over his whole body as it built up. He never thought of him as being the kind of person that fancied being caught but there he was, close to the edge. He tightened the grip around his cock as he felt his orgasm coming, rolling his wrist a bit as he stroked himself. _There were steps, yes. They were getting closer and suddenly, the door flew open, the shadow of a person cast into his room_. And then it all turned to white, low moans escaping his lips as he came all over the shower tiles.

Alexander panted. He opened his eyes in surprise, blinking down at the sight of his sperm in front of him. He washed the mess he made with one hand, the other still steadying himself against one of the shower walls. What just happened? He shook his head at himself in shock. He came so fast comparing to the time it usually took him. His cheeks were flushed from the orgasm and all the cold water in the world didn't seem quite enough to drop his body temperature. If only he knew that was the trick to get him to come fast, that could have rendered him quicker showers. He started shampooing his hair as his breathing normalized, hypnotized by the trails of water on the tiles. A question lingered in his thoughts as he finished his shower: Who would the person that walked in on him be?

* * *

Maryse ordered Chinese food for lunch and they all sat together. She told them about the week's funny cases, mostly documents with hilarious typos or translations that were odd. Robert, on the other hand, told them about the new employees in his company and how they had peculiar names. Both Lightwood children knew their parents expected them to follow in their footsteps and that those moments were a means to convince them their businesses were nice, but neither of them was inclined to those professions so they listened and said nothing else.

Once they were done, Isabelle helped set the plates and silverware in the sink. She told their parents Clary was probably on her way so she left for her room. Alexander sighed and did the dishes. He knew it was his turn but it was still frustrating. With all the wealth they had, they could afford a dish washer. Maryse had explained that it was a necessary part of growing up: dealing with housework, even if only to a certain extent. He knew she meant well but still hated it, grimacing at the clogged drain.

"Fuck..." He mumbled, his face turning green as he reached for the tangle of noodles and vegetables that were blocking the drain. He nearly gagged on his way to the trash can there, but a familiar sound distracted him from the disgusting experience. The doorbell. As he made his way back to the sink, he couldn't help feeling his heart pounding against his rib cage, thinking of Jace's visit. The boy wouldn't come over twice, right? It was foolish to think it could be him, but he turned the tap slightly to reduce the water sounds down the sink and try to hear the voice coming from the door.

"Clarissa! Come on in." He heard his mother, dropping his shoulders. Alexander was done with the dishes as he felt someone standing behind him.

"Hey, Alec!" The girl beamed, tapping his shoulder lightly to get his attention.

He looked at her over his shoulder with a disappointed look. "Hey." Alexander mumbled. He knew her and he held nothing against her in particular but the fact that she wasn't Jace had upset him. Even if he were to try looking friendly, he knew he wouldn't be able to so he just jerked his head. "Izzy is waiting for you in her room."

"Okay..." She sounded genuinely sad at his dismissal but he couldn't help it. She left the kitchen and went to see Isabelle, leaving Alexander staring down at his hands.

After brushing his teeth, he glanced at Isabelle's door, considering apologizing to Clary. He could hear their laughter, loud and vivid and decided against it. It would ruin the mood. He could apologize to her later, he thought as he knocked on the door to his parents' room.

"Mom? Dad?" Alexander called out. He heard no reply directed to him but he could hear their voices like whispers, words not clear enough to make any of what was being said. He sighed. He told them during breakfast he wanted to go to the beach, right? He left a note on the coffee table in the living room and then put on a pair of black flip flops. He left a backpack near the door with his wallet and sunscreen, so he grabbed it and his keys and left the apartment, locking it behind him. It was already instinctive to go straight to the elevator but he stopped before hitting the button.

There was a face pestering Alexander's thoughts. Jace. It was a great day outside, the sun burning invitingly. He felt like he should give his thoughts some credit. It was just out of concern, he told himself as he rang the doorbell. This time, it didn't take that long for someone to answer. Jace was standing there wearing only a pair of gray sweatpants, a grin forming on his face as he saw Alexander.

"Hey." He tilted his head, eyebrows knitting in an intrigued look. He didn't drop the grin, though. Whatever sorrow he might have transpired the evening before, it was gone now. "What's up?"

Alexander had the sudden urge to look at the other's body, compare it to his own, check the tone of his skin, but he fought to keep his eyes on Jace's golden ones. He felt his chest tightening. He scratched the back of his neck as he searched for words, lips moving but no voice coming from them. "Uhm, err, I..."

"Jonathan, who's there?" A voice Alexander knew came from inside the apartment. Celine, Jace's mother. 

"It's just Alec, mom." He shouted back, crossing his arms across his chest and raising an inquisitive eyebrow at Alexander. He was going to say something, but his mother rushed to the door with a surprised face.

Her features were gentle, her cheekbones very similar to Jace's now that the dark-haired boy paid her closer attention. "Good afternoon, Alec." She smiled at the Lightwood boy. "Thank you so much for letting Jonathan spend the day with you." She bowed slightly in a gesture of gratitude, eyes going from her son to the other boy standing there.

"No problem." Alexander shrugged, his lips curling up in an awkward smile. "I thought of inviting Jace to come to the beach with me. I mean, if that's ok?" Now that the talk was between him and Celine and his eyes were set on hers, it felt easier to say his intentions. He was surprised at how casual his voice sounded, even though he thought he saw Celine flinch at him calling her son 'Jace'. He chose to ignore it, expectant eyes slowly moving to stare at Jace.

"Oh sure." She nodded, looking down at her son. "I'll get you both something to take with you while Jace gets ready." Her eyes narrowed a bit in a silent signal Alexander was too acquainted with. Mothers could be really demanding when it was about the sort of clothes they were supposed to wear in public. He was well aware of that.

Jace didn't say anything. He merely blinked and watched before nodding at his mother and rushing to his room.

Celine gestured for Alexander to come wait inside, but he shook his head and jerked his thumb to the elevator. He would rather wait for Jace leaning against the wall than having to sit there and risk having to talk to his mother. Not that he held anything against her, but long conversations with adults were never his forte. Conversations weren't something he managed well in general. Also, sitting there would mean thinking of the thin frame of Jace's body and how he had stupidly avoided eyeing his body. There was nothing wrong in checking other boys' bodies, especially since it was so common for those in his age to start realizing the different aspects of other body types. He felt pretty awkward as it was, frowning at himself. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he barely noticed Jace coming, eyes widening as he felt the boy's fingers on his bare shoulder.

"You ok?" He was wearing a white T-shirt with a pair of red swim shorts now and white flipflops. 

Alexander thought he could get used to that voice. It was a strange thought to have, but he felt that way anyway. He pressed the elevator button.

"Yes, I was just wondering that if you drown, I might not be that much of a swimmer to save you." That was actually pretty far from what was plaguing his mind but it was the first thing that came. He sucked at lying.

"That's too bad." Jace made a dramatic face. "I thought you were a mermaid in disguise."

"Shut up."

The elevator's doors opened with a _ding._  As they walked in, Alexander turned to him and added, "As if I'd ever leave the sea if I could live in it."

Jace chuckled. His teeth were tiny and Alexander hated himself for noticing that.

* * *

Sundays were really crowded and what Alexander managed to see from his bedroom window wasn't even one third of the bunch of people there. He already knew that people only left after it got dark so he wasn't expecting anything different, but he could see Jace's eyes wide open and trying to take in everything surrounding them. He looked lost but also fascinated, his own backpack sliding a bit from his shoulders.

"Wow, man, this is just... Woah." Jace ran his hand through his golden strands of hair, long fingers combing it back as he turned to Alexander with a faint smile. "Thanks for inviting me."

Alexander felt his heartbeat speeding up a bit. He blinked at the other boy for a moment. "Uhm, sure."

Alexander led the way with conviction. At first, it just seemed that he was looking for a spot in the middle of the bunch of people there, but after passing by a few good ones, it was clear that he was heading to a specific direction, looking at Jace from time to time to check if the boy was still following him. He was the older one there and felt sort of responsible for the other. It wasn't that hard, though. Even with the younger boy's eyes scanning the crowd there and his astonished face at the water, he kept up with Alexander's pace quite easily. They came to a halt in front of a coconut kiosk, just as crowded as everywhere else. Alexander squinted his eyes, trying to adjust his vision to check the people standing under the kiosk's gigantic sunshades.

"Now if we are swimming, first we need to-" His eyes snapped open as he spotted the one person he had been looking for. "Sebastian!"

Jace threw him a sideways glance and stopped a few steps behind him, but Alexander didn't notice it, waving a hand at the boy who was walking towards them with a broad smile. There was something languid about the way said Sebastian moved. Maybe it was the fact that his limps were long and elegant. It just seemed impossible for the boy to do something ungraceful. His hair was a lighter blond than Jace's, his dark hazel eyes forming an interesting contrast in his face as he smiled at the boys.

"Alec, hey. I wasn't sure you were coming." Sebastian didn't seem to notice Jace was with him. He smiled politely at Alexander. "I thought you had a family thing?"

"Yeah, that was yesterday." Alexander averted his eyes, fighting off the memories of the day before. He realized Jace had been standing farther than he should and jerked his head, urging the boy to come closer. Sebastian watched the two of them with visible interest. "I brought him with me. I hope you don't mind." _Him_. What should he call Jace? His friend? His neighbor? 

"Not at all." Sebastian turned to Jace, who was now planted next to Alexander. For a moment, both boys exchanged serious looks, measuring each other. Sebastian was the first to break eye contact, smirking. "Fair enough, I'm Sebastian. And you are?"

"Jonathan."

Alexander's eyes couldn't hide his shock as he stared at Jace. His lips parted but he didn't say anything, trying to make something out of the face Jace was making. He was serious, but in a much more calculated manner than he was when they met. He thought he had seen all of "serious Jace" but the boy still managed to impress him. He looked back at Sebastian, who simply nodded in acknowledgement.

"It's a pleasure." Sebastian didn't sound that offended at the dry reply he got from Jace. "Well, be my guest." He turned on his heels and headed back to the kiosk, where a line of impatient people was starting to form. He signaled something to Alexander and went to the cashier to tend to the line.

Jace raised an eyebrow at the other. 

"We have been classmates for nearly ten years." Alexander answered what he thought Jace was asking. "I guess he's the closest thing I have to a friend, but we don't hang out or anything." He shrugged. He felt an urgent need to explain his connection to Sebastian. "His father owns a chain of coconut kiosks and he works in this one during the entire summer to make some extra bucks." He guided Jace to a door on the back of the kiosk.

Jace followed him with tense shoulders, looking around attentively.

"He wants to buy his girlfriend a boat or something stupid like that." Alexander's eyes rolled. People in love were capable of the worst ideas ever. Behind him, Jace's shoulders relaxed, his face now more concentrated in what was in front of them.

Alexander forced the door open to find a lot of coconut-themed objects shoved in what looked like a storage. He took his backpack off, unzipping it to reach for the sunscreen. "I brought it in case you forgot to put some on." He looked up at Jace.

"Nah, I got it covered but thanks." Jace replied, hands shaking vividly in front of him, more than he needed to.

Alexander shoved it back into his backpack and zipped it back, resting it on top of a pile of very colorful plastic coconuts. He held his hand out. "Here. We can let our stuff here to go swimming."  

Jace tilted his head for a moment, eyes examining the pile of bright plastic coconuts there for a moment before looking intently at Alexander's face, an unsettling concentrated look in his eyes as he did so. "If you say so." He reluctantly slipped the straps of his backpack down his shoulders and gave it to the other, already going for the hem of his T-shirt. "Can we leave our Tees here, too?" He tried to sound casual but there was a hint of annoyance in his voice.

Alexander was starting to get really confused at the other's behavior. He reached for the backpack and placed it pressed against his own so they wouldn't fall behind the pile of coconuts. He was already turning to answer Jace when he stopped in shock, lips pursed in a thin line as he gulped. Under the sun, his skin was golden like a statue he saw once in one of his aunt's art books. He didn't want to look so impressed but he couldn't help it. There was something very unique to his frame, very _Jacey_ , he thought. His hands jerked in a weird urge to hold the boy's shoulders and shake him, or even... What? He shook his head, realizing that Jace was grinning at him. He had been holding his T-shirt out for him for a while now.

"Not all of us grew up going to the beach, Mr. Tanned." Jace teased, chuckling.

Alexander shot him an angry look, yanking the T-shirt from his hand and throwing it over their backpacks. "I was just checking if you had a third nipple or something." He mumbled, not sure why he thought that was a good reply. He took his own tank top off, folding it and putting it over Jace's T-shirt. After both boys threw their flipflops inside, he closed the door and turned to face the sea beyond the massive amount of people there.

Jace was already trying to pass through a family that was settled near the kiosk. Alexander followed him, his eyes dropping to one of the boy's shoulder blades. Now that he was shirtless, he could see clearly that what he had spotted was a star-shaped birthmark that took part of his shoulder and the curve of his neck. He sped up his pace to catch up with him and soon enough they were close to the water. The sand was smooth and warm under their toes.

"I actually came here a few times when I was six or seven." Jace said, downcast eyes examining the sand as small waves hit their ankles. "I used to collect seashells."

"Huh..." Alexander blinked at him. He wondered if he had ran into the boy by chance, how curious that would've been. A younger Jace, half his age, golden eyes searching the sea for shells. He didn't think of anything to say in reply, walking further into the water instead. If he had a more functional aunt, he would've taken swimming classes with her back in the day, but Maryse insisted that he showed no interest regarding swimming in front of Helen or she'd bug him about it forever. He noticed Jace was keeping up with him, but since he was shorter the water was starting to hit the mid-section of his body already. Alexander stopped and looked at him.

"Seriously now." Alexander started, running his tongue over his lips nervously and tasting the salty drops of water that gently splashed over his face. "You do know how to swim, right?" 

Jace pouted in an exaggerated childish manner. "Excuse me?" He smirked mischievously, padding his feet so he floated. "You'll be begging me for lessons by the end of the day." And with that, he let the water take him, arms stiff but precise as he moved through the water with ease. 

Alexander rolled his eyes. He could be such a snobbish bastard. Not that Alexander minded, really. It just made him want to shut the boy's mouth up. He pressed his nostrils shut with one hand before diving into the water, legs retracted for a moment before he pushed them spread open, the impulse pushing him towards Jace. Though his eyes were closed, he had seen the direction the other was taking so it was easy to reach him, his arms certainly cutting through the water with more grace as he had longer limbs and better practice. They swam until both felt their arms go sore, swallowing water due to laughter during the process and stopping to splash each other with water and make stupid remarks on their performances.

It was fun to have some company, Alexander thought as they left the water and made their way back to the kiosk they left their things. The sun indicated that it would still be at least an hour before sundown, but the beach was already a little less crowded so it was easier to move through the people. Both were silent and regaining their breath. Jace shook his head and started running his fingers through his golden hair to comb it while Alexander simply pushed his fringe off his eyes.

"What time to you have to be back home?" Alexander was waving at Sebastian as he walked towards the back door.

"I don't know." Jace shrugged. "If I make it in time for dinner it won't be a problem, I guess." He sounded uninterested, idly watching Alexander retrieving all their things.

"Ah, crap." Alexander frowned. "I knew it." He handed Jace his T-shirt and held his own in his hand, looking at it thoughtfully for a moment.

"What?" 

"I forgot my towel." The dark-haired boy sighed helplessly, reaching for their backpacks and throwing Jace's at him before he closed the door. He held both his tank top and his backpack straps with a hand, away from his body.

"Oh." Jace watched him for a moment as he went through his own backpack and retrieved a blue towel there. "You can use mine if you want." He shrugged. He set his backpack down and shoved his T-shirt in just so he could properly dry his face, torso and arms.

Alexander's lips parted. He was going to take the offer but his eyes lingered too much on the boy and he felt that strange feeling of self-hatred mixed with curiosity and... Something else. He felt his cheeks getting hotter and shook his head. "N-no, thanks. It'll probably dry before we get back to our building anyway." He felt stupid for giving such long answers to questions that he didn't even get asked, but he couldn't help it. He dropped his backpack and dressed his tank top clumsily to keep from staring at Jace. It clung to his body awkwardly but he would survive.

"I forgot mermaids need constant hydration." Jae was half-mocking and half-serious as he slid his backpack on, holding the straps with both hands.

Alexander frowned. He wished he had elevated skills when it came to clever retorts. "I can't be old _and_ a mermaid." He said without much effort to make sense. He threw Jace's flipflops at the boy and wore his own pair. "Come. There's something I want to show you." He jerked his head towards the rocky end of the beach and Jace could see there were what looked like sculpted rocks that formed rough steps. The steps went up to a higher spot on the rocks that overlooked the beach. The place looked deserted from where they were.

Jace nodded and followed him, eyes set on the steps in the distance. He wondered who would have the patience to sculpt those rocks for others to climb up.

* * *

"Here we are." Alexander held his hand out for Jace on the last step and gasped as he pulled him up. Looking closely, the steps had been roughly carved from a larger rock many years before, which rendered a clear level of inclination due to rain and occasional flooding. They were not that easy to climb. The Lightwood boy had both hands on his knees now as he panted.

Jace winced and looked down at his hand. He had a painful look on his face that caught Alexander's attention.

"What happened?" Alexander sounded alarmed. He should've asked before if the boy was afraid of heights but he figured Jace would've mentioned it. Still, he stood closer to Jace now, looking down at his hands. His eyes widened. "Oh my, that..."

"It's nothing, really." Jace forced a smirk. The cut he had gotten from aunt Helen's broken vase was exposed and a few drops of blood were escaping it, as if its healing had been interrupted. "I guess the band-aid got lost in some piece of rock. Don't worry." His eyes meant serious business as he stared at Alexander, his thumb already pressing the wound to force the blood to coagulate again.

"I'm sorry..." Alexander mumbled, averting his eyes and biting down his lips. "I didn't think-"

"Alec, don't." Jace smiled faintly. "I'm fine, really. And the view here is awesome." He took a couple of steps towards the edge of the rock to look at the sea, mesmerized by the view.

Alexander took a deep breath, trying to shut down the guilty voices in his head as he got closer to Jace, resting his backpack down. "I know, right?" He smiled, too, eyes fluttering shut to feel the warm breeze against his skin. 

"It's funny, though." Jace said in a casual tone. He had his eyes cast on Alexander. "I thought tall people didn't need to feel taller." He chuckled. "I guess I was wrong."

Alexander didn't look back at him, his eyes dropping to the waves clashing against the rocks down there. "I just like to be left alone." He mumbled idly. "People are too complicated to deal with."

"Even Sebastian?" Jace was sharp, eyes narrowing as he averted his gaze.

It caught Alexander off guard. He tilted his head thoughtfully. "Sebastian is the only person besides Izzy that doesn't think I'm a total weirdo." His voice was gentle. "The others tried too hard to be something I wasn't looking for." Alexander didn't sound hurtful as he spoke because he knew he wasn't exactly an outcast. He hated pushy people trying to force some sort of friendship with him. Things were as they were and he chose to be a loner.

Jace fell silent, sitting down near Alexander's backpack. He was looking for something inside his own backpack before leaving it on the ground.

Alexander felt his stomach clench. Did he say something wrong? People were normally hard to get but Jace was impossible, he thought as he sat near him, eyes trying to figure what Jace had been searching in his stuff. He couldn't see anything and gave up, sighing. Did he make Jace feel like he was one of the others he was referring to? He slapped his own forehead, slipping his open palm down his face to cover his own eyes. "I'm not, you know, uhm, saying that you-"

"A-ha!" Jace threw something onto Alexander's lap. 

An apple. 

"Thanks." Alexander uncovered his eyes and blinked at it, confused. Maybe he was just being too dramatic. He took the apple and turned it on his hand, thinking of his father with his orange that morning. After a while, he took a big bite, loudly crunching it with his teeth. He had a peculiar taste for doing it when his mother couldn't reprimand him, his cheeks now filled with apple.

Jace was throwing his apple in the air to catch it back with a single hand, eyes focused on the fruit going up and down. "Can I ask you something?"

Alexander shot the boy a puzzled look. " _Hure._ " He was struggling to dissolve the apple enough in his mouth, but he hoped the other understood him. He thought the other didn't need permission to ask him questions and felt particularly anxious at that.

"Why did you let them blame you?" Jace seemed to be making an extreme effort to sound neutral, but there was a very distinct hint of guilt in his voice. "You know, about the vase thing."

Alexander gulped and coughed for a moment, his throat hurting from the massive chunk of apple he had forced down at once. "Because it was my fault?" He cleared his throat. "I mean, it _was_ my fault."

"No, it wasn't."

"Yes, it was."

"Dude." Jace sounded more annoyed than guilty now, squeezing an apple in his hand. "When you do something wrong, you get punished. That's how things work."

Alexander pursed his lips together, thinking of his next words carefully. Both boys had their eyes on each other and were unwilling to budge from their arguments.

"Look." The dark-haired boy started. "You don't have to be so hard on yourself. I'd gladly break her vases more often if I could." He wasn't kidding, his blue eyes darkening a bit. "But we don't visit her that much." He added, taking a smaller bite this time. He thought Jace sounded a lot older than him when he spoke like that.

They ate their apples in silence after that. The sun was already beginning to set, turning the sky into a mixture of orange and turquoise hues. Alexander shifted a little, unconsciously scooting closer to Jace to better watch as the colors mingled. They looked like ingredients mixing to turn into this cosmic mousse. He felt Jace's shoulder bump into his. Maybe they had been in silence for longer than they should. He felt like crap because he invited the other boy to come over and now there they were, not talking at all.

"You're so hard to get." Alexander finally said. If he were to be accused of any deadly sin, pride wouldn't be an option. 

Jace looked genuinely startled at that, eyes going from the sun to Alexander. His cheeks were a bright tone of red. "What do you mean by that?"

"That I usually suck at getting people. But I suck ten times more when it comes to you." Alexander was visibly frustrated, sighing. His eyes wouldn't leave the faded red that the sun had become in the horizon. "I feel so dumb."

The golden-haired boy blinked at Alexander. Jace ran his tongue over his lips slowly, thinking of what to say. "You're not dumb." He mumbled, pulling his knees close to his chest and resting both elbows on top of them. "I always act like a little shit a few days before my birthday. Or that's what my dad used to say."

Alexander took a moment to process all the information he was given. He had a faint smile as he finally turned to Jace. "So I'm not that much older than you, huh." He felt like asking about the other's birthday, when it was. Or about his dad, why he _used_ to. There were multiple question marks clouding his thoughts.

Jace seemed relieved at his comment, jokingly slapping Alexander's shoulder and grinning. "Don't get too excited about it. I still look younger than you." He poked his tongue out.

Alexander exhaled slowly. He didn't even realize he had been holding his breath. The sun faded and left only a hint of burnt orange in the horizon.

"We'd better go." The dark-haired boy said, though his body refused to move. He planted both palms behind his back and closed his eyes to enjoy a few more seconds of the breeze up there.

"Can we stay just a little longer?" Jace seemed to hear his thoughts. He was hugging his knees, chin resting on top of his arms. He had that unreadable look again as he beheld the sea.

Alexander nodded, opening his eyes to glance at the other boy. His hands were tingling. He wanted to touch the other. It was a stupid impulse, short fingernails scratching at the rocky surface they were sitting on as he fought it back. He bit down his lower lip. He felt inexplicably drawn to the other boy. "Jace?"

"Huh?" The boy didn't look back at him.

"You said your father _used_ to say that." Alexander started off, eyes averting from Jace to stare down at his feet.

"Yes, I did." Jace's shoulders tensed, but he kept a calm voice.

Alexander sighed. The boy was clearly not comfortable with talking about it. "Never mind."

Jace's eyes were nearly coppery as he turned to face Alexander. In the dim light that came from the kiosks and lampposts down the rocks, it was impossible to tell whether he was grieving or simply serious. "I said he _used to_ because he killed himself a few months ago." 

"Holy fuck..." Alexander's eyes went wide open as he mumbled. He was unable to hold his impulses this time, leaning forward and tilting his head so he could face the other up close. "Jace, God, I'm so-"

"Don't be. You had nothing to do with it." Jace shrugged with a crooked smile, eyes darting away from Alexander's. "You should stop taking the blame for things that you're not responsible for."

Alexander couldn't help but frown. Even though he knew the other boy had a point, he felt his chest tightening. No one should go through losing a parent like that. Again, he was faced with two courses of action to take and it was really hard to choose which one was the most appropriate. He wanted to touch Jace, comfort him, but the boy didn't give him any opening to do so. He felt constrained and frustrated, words failing him.

Jace seemed to have noticed that the atmosphere was heavy so he shook his head and sighed. He unfolded his arms and shifted a bit to touch Alexander's knees lightly. "Hey, it's okay." His eyes bore a sadness to them that spoke more than words. "It's complicated, but seriously now, don't worry." 

Alexander watched the other's hand on his skin. He felt warm where Jace's fingers were touching. "I'm just sorry I brought it up."

" _I_ brought it up, not you." Jace grinned. He stood up and grabbed his backpack. "C'mon, we should get going. My mom's gonna kill me." 

Alexander shook his head. "God, you're so stubborn." He snorted as he followed the other. 

The climb down felt steeper than it did on the way up but they managed to get back to the sand safely. Even though they were quiet on their way back to their building, it was a different kind of silence now: it wasn't awkward, just natural. Both had a lot to think of and neither felt like disturbing each other's thoughts. Before they realized it, they were already staring at the buttons inside the elevator absent-minded. They heard that familiar _ding_  as its doors opened.

"You didn't tell me when your birthday is." Alexander was the one to break the silence, rummaging through his things to find his keys.

"This Wednesday. Why?"

"Just curious..." Liar. Inside his mind, Alexander was already wondering how weird it would be to take him to the beach again. That was what friends did, right? He wanted to be able to call Jace his friend, and not like Sebastian. He would have to talk to Izzy about that.

"Hey, Alec." Jace called the other firmly, his hands coiling into tight fists on his sides. He looked up at the other for what felt like forever. His features eased, then, and he smiled. "You were the first person I felt like telling the truth about my father." He spoke softly. "Thank you."

Alexander smiled back at him, his heartbeat racing. He wondered if Jace could hear his heart pounding against his rib cage. "That's what friends are for, Jace."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me for the lack of smut ;__; 
> 
> I MAY TAKE PLEASURE IN MAKING ALEC STRUGGLE WITH HIS SEXUALITY A LITTLE BIT OK. Love y'all <3


	5. Listen

Clary ended up staying the night over so there were no significant interactions with Isabelle as Alexander returned to the apartment. He could tell his sister wanted to know what took him so long to get back. She had no idea he invited Jace, but from the looks she shot him during dinner it was clear she suspected something. Before both girls went to bed, Alexander stopped by his sister's room to wish her goodnight and apologize to Clary. The girl simply shook her head as if it weren't a big deal but Isabelle looked rather upset to hear her brother had been rude to her friend.

After a couple of hours playing some fighting games, Alexander turned off his Play Station 3 and let himself fall onto his bed, rubbing his eyes lazily. That had been a long day, he thought, and though he was tired, a part of him was also restless. At first, he thought it was the adrenaline from playing his games, but that couldn't be. He was too used to it. He thought of the sun and checked himself for any spots he might have gotten sun burnt but found nothing. The tips of his ears were a little red but nothing too serious. It had to be something else. He replayed the whole day backwards: the way Jace opened up to him about his father; the way he seemed so sure of all the responsibility he held over things Alexander totally disagreed on; the way his lips bit on his apple... _Wait_. Why would he keep a memory like that? He frowned at himself, fixing his boxers idly. His hair was nearly dry from the shower he'd taken right after dinner, probably due to the hot weather. He thought of turning the conditioning again but decided against. There were already too many shivers running down his spine as he thought of Jace's hands climbing on the rocks, the way his cut opened... There were too many details regarding Jace's anatomy he couldn't get the reason why he kept them in his mind. There was also something else. Sebastian. 

Alexander was truly confused at the way Jace seemed to react to the other boy. Maybe he just sucked at introducing people to one another? That seemed likely to be. It wasn't like he had the habit of doing that anyway. Sebastian was the captain of the teams at school and always got to pick Alexander first, so they naturally grew somewhat close. They weren't exactly friends as in going out together or talking over the phone, but they lent each other school material occasionally, they helped each other with assignments and took peer projects together. As long as Sebastian didn't ask too many questions and Alexander didn't meddle too much into his life in general, they were fine. Also, Sebastian had real luck when it came to girls, so he was always dating ever since they were ten or eleven. It was ridiculous, Alexander thought as he remembered all the foolish displays of affection Sebastian had already performed to his ex-girlfriends. But it kept him busy and it saved Alexander the trouble of actually having to interact too much with him.

It was different with Jace, though. They were on vacation and Jace had just moved. They didn't have school interactions and spending time together. And if they did, Alexander wasn't sure if he'd feel all that comfortable with sharing much of Jace's time with others. That very doubt was excruciatingly disturbing. The thought of wanting to colonize Jace, especially for one who despised it such as Alexander did. He felt his levels of self-hatred skyrocketing every second he thought of the other. It hadn't even been that long since they started talking to each and yet, he felt trapped in a spider web of anger and puzzlement and, well, want.

 _Want. Longing. Craving_.

Alexander was playing Scrabble with himself as he formed words associated with Jace in his head and it was so unpleasant, but he couldn't stop. He had no idea what that meant other than feeling this dire need to be near the other and dedicate lots of his time to him. The very idea of seeing him every day didn't sound all that absurd. That shocked him, but he was too scared to fight that back. He'd rather stick to the idea that he was craving Jace's _friendship_ than overthinking it and reaching a conclusion more complex than that. Maybe he finally felt what it was like to be normal and want a friend.

He smiled as he turned out the light of his room and rested his head comfortably on his pillows. Yes, that's what it was. He was just in need of a friend, sure. His chest was heavy but he ignored it. He thought of Isabelle asking him if he had fun the day before. He felt his eyes closing, his sister's face plastered inside his eyelids. He fell in deep slumber quickly enough not to hear the voices coming from the hall, aggressive and vicious and bitter, but in his dreams there were people arguing in the distance as he swam. He swam far from his apartment, and his family, and Sebastian.

* * *

**Listen**

What started off as a Sunday visit got extended as Clary got invited to stay for the whole week. Alexander liked her around because she was a good friend to his sister. He always thought she made Isabelle laugh and gave her a hand at school with her assignments, so he knew she was probably helping his sister with papers due the end of their Summer break. However, that made it difficult for him to approach his sister the way he wanted to discuss Jace and how he wanted to give him a nice birthday surprise to prove he was friendship-material. If it felt stupid just to think about it, voicing it with Clary around was ten times worse. He spent most of his Monday locked in his room, playing his games and trying to come up with an idea of his own. He sucked at picking gifts and he didn't even know what Jace would like to get. He thought of his initial plan, of inviting Jace to go to the beach with him again but that would be monotonous. Twice in a week was too much if he was to show how he could be a nice friend.  He googled the silliest things and ended up in tons of Yahoo answers regarding pregnancy and other topics that were pretty far from his initial searches and it was just frustrating. 

Alexander didn't even think that not contacting the boy would have any implications on Jace's impressions on him. He was used to being detached and having others backing away after they realized he wasn't the most outgoing person ever. It was only natural that not attempting any contact that day wouldn't be misunderstood by Jace. Right?

Tuesday came and proved him wrong.

Since they all woke up late, they skipped breakfast and went straight to lunch, which was quite uneventful: just the two Lightwood kids, Ms. Herondale and Clary. They were all sleepy and not in a very talkative mood, leaving to their maid the task of providing something to entertain them while they ate. She told them a few of her funny interactions with strangers on her way there since the bus ride gave her enough time to get to know all sorts of people. Her stories were usually more amusing than when their parents decided on talking about their jobs because she was clearly not interested in trying to turn them into bus drivers. She was just showing them there were people in conditions different from theirs and they were just as interesting. At least, that's how both Isabelle and Alexander felt about her anecdotes.  

Once they were done, Clary decided on taking her shower first. Alexander was faster than Isabelle and her friends but that day he was exhausted after all the pointless brainstorming of the day before. He didn't even argue with the girl, shuffling his feet back to his room as he heard the bathroom door being locked. It hit him like a punch in his brain. That was it, the opportunity he had been waiting for to talk to his sister. He knew Clary would take her time in her shower, so he rushed to Isabelle's room.

The door was left ajar, and he stepped in with no ceremony. What he saw was an absent-minded Isabelle lying on the floor, her eyes contemplating the ceiling as if they could see through all the floors above theirs. She didn't seem to mind Alexander's being there. There were dark circles under her eyes and he figured she had stayed up late talking to Clary. 

"Izzy, can we talk?" Alexander crossed his arms across his chest and tilted his head, waiting for her to look back at him. His expression was calm, but he felt his chest burning from the inside.

Isabelle looked up at him, slowly pushing herself up on her elbows. Her eyes were curious. "Sure."

Alexander closed the door behind him before sitting down on the armchair near her bed. "So I spent Sunday with Jace on the beach." He mumbled, waving a hand in front of him. He could see the way she was shifting to sit up and look at him properly, eager for information. "Something tells me you have already figured that out." He smirked though he wasn't sure why.

"In fact, I did." Isabelle smiled brightly, her eyes glimmering like two polished onyxes. "How was it?"

"It was fun." He averted his eyes to stare at her bed, waiting to be made by Ms. Herondale. He felt like he owed Jace more justice than just a bland comment like that and cleared his throat. "I mean, he swims really well. I think he didn't like Sebastian very much. I took him to my favorite spot. We talked. His mom gave us apples to eat. We ate the apples. We talked some more. And I want him." 

Alexander froze. He could barely register what he had just said but the words left his lips like a train-wreck, unstoppable and crashing straight into Isabelle's ears. She goggled her eyes, clearly flabbergasted at her brother's bluntness. Her lips gaped but no sound came. 

He felt so stupid, so wrong. What was he even saying.

"I want him as a friend! As a friend... I guess?" Alexander could hear his own conviction leaving him as he spoke. He couldn't feel the tip of his fingers and the air was growing thin. He stood up and held his head with both hands, shaking frantically. "Ugh, what am I even saying?"

"That you like him."

"Well, yes, but-"

"That you like _like_ him, Alec." Isabelle's features had eased and she had a gentle smile plastered on her face. She stood up as well and reached for her brother, hands touching his forearms and trying to force him to look at her. "Hey, it's okay."

Alexander let go of his head, hands coiled into fists and arms still raised as if bracing for something. He looked back at his sister from behind his forearms, clearly adopting a defensive stance though it felt pointless. He was scared. He didn't know what that meant. He thought of all the girls that made a move on him and he rejected them as politely as he could. He never lied, and he would never deceive anyone to have them think he would return their feelings. He was used to being lonely and the idea of sharing his time, of liking anyone romantically was so far off. The boy was sure he would just spend his life trying to find some purpose, a career that suited him, maybe travel a little. He felt mediocre and ordinary in the worst way possible. It was pathetic, that he needed his sister to help him realize he had growing feelings for the boy. A boy. Of all people, it had to be a boy.

The Lightwood boy knew what happened to boys who liked boys. He might have escaped bullying so far due to his sports skills but being into guys wouldn't do him any good. He knew what they teased each other in the locker rooms. He knew what names they used and the aggression they turned to whenever they thought a boy was gay. He knew it all too well. One of the things that got him close to Sebastian was the fact that he was never seen when their classmates who bullied the queer kids their age. Alexander never gave it too much credit because he simply avoided the boys in general. And he never felt particularly offended. When they insinuated that a "faggot" had been staring at their junk, or that a "fag" was hitting on them, Alexander simply thought they were not that interesting to begin with. But that didn't mean other boys _weren't_  interesting. It was just that those ones were total idiots. 

"Is it?" Alexander's voice was a mere whisper, barely audible. He dropped his arms to his sides, defeated and weak. His legs were making an inhuman effort to keep him standing. He wondered if he'd let Isabelle hold him in her arms if she were taller than him. She was already so much more mature anyway. What was the point in being the older brother if he had zero skills at relevant things? His eyes were cast on her hands on his elbows. She shook him lightly and spoke to him, but he couldn't tell what she was saying.

Alexander winced at every dreadful image that his mind came up with of the many torturous interactions he would have with his classmates. Still, the thought of liking Jace had his chest relaxing a bit. His heart was tight but racing in excitement all at once. It felt right. It was the first time he preferred to feel instead of just thinking.

Isabelle's hands slipped down to her brother's, lacing their fingers together to hold him. "At least two friends of mine are..." She bit down on her lower lip, eyes scanning her brother's features as if looking for some sort of confirmation that she wasn't going too far, but he just stood there. "You know, gay."

 _Gay_.

Alexander stared down at their hands intertwined. "I suck at this big brother thing, don't I." He said, but the word echoed in his mind. He thought of all the effort it was to have dirty thoughts when he masturbated, all the porn he tried to enjoy. He had thorough searches on videos and content and yet, his ideas were always so vague and deviated a lot from whatever content he had originally looked up. That was, until recently, when thinking of risky situations where he could get caught did it for him. His cheeks were burning bright. Could it be that the person he was so into being caught up red-handed was... _No way_. He shook his head, a nervous chuckle escaping his lips. "I guess you have already figured that out, too."

"Hmm, that you might be gay, yes." Isabelle was so calm. Her voice was as placid as a soft piano melody on a library. It wasn't the silence people usually went for, but it was still soothing. She sounded so safe he almost forgot there were people who wouldn't be so okay with that. "But if you're talking about the brother thing, then no. You don't suck at all." She jerked his hands to get his attention. "You could have set me up with Sebastian when he was single but I've already forgiven you for that."

Alexander raised an eyebrow with a protective seriousness on his features. "He's too old for you." His features eased.

"So you're too old for Jace, hmm?" She teased, whispering. She eyed the door, a friendly reminder that Clary could walk in at any moment.

Alexander blinked at her, incredulously. _Too soon, Izzy_. He glanced at the door for a moment, breaking free from her hold on his hands and scratching the back of his neck. "This Wednesday's his birthday, actually." He frowned. To think he had come to Isabelle's room to talk about a gift. How would he even interact with Jace after realizing all that? He wasn't very good at concealing things. Not when it was about himself, at least. "I was hoping to-"

The sound of the door being pushed open made him stop as both siblings stared at a lazy Clary walking in, blue skirt and white tank top on. She had a towel wrapped on her red hair and her eyes were cast on the boy. "Alec, oh."

Alexander felt the temperature in the room rising and it wasn't due to the weather. He hoped Clary hadn't heard what they were talking about. He gulped loudly and exchanged a look with his sister, which he hoped conveyed the right message of ' _please don't tell her or anyone about this since I am still freaking out about it and trying to play it cool_.' Isabelle nodded dismissively at him and turned to Clary with her round bright eyes. The girl looked puzzled and tilted her head at Alexander, but he was already on his way out.

"Sorry to interrupt your sacred week together." He mumbled. He closed the door behind him before he could give Clary any time to say something in return. From the other side, he could hear the two girls talking and he was glad he could trust Isabelle. So many siblings their age had harsh feuds and engaged in pointless competitions. But for him, they were always like a team. No matter how one would upset the other, they were together. Now, more than ever, it was overwhelming to think about it. Even if she would count as the only ally he had, one was better than none. He sighed. If only he had gone straight to the point and asked her for gift ideas. 

He was wearing jeans and a black tank top when he reached the kitchen to find Ms. Herondale. He shoved his wallet and keys in one pocket.

"What are you up to, Alexander?" Her voice was smooth and gentle, but he knew she wouldn't let him out unless he told her what his plans were.

"I'm going to the mall." He said, checking for the time on his phone. Stores closed earlier on Sundays but he had enough time to try finding Jace a gift.

Robert used to give both his kids a "Summer break allowance", as he would call it, for them to spend as they wanted during their vacations. Alexander normally used it to buy something from Sebastian's kiosk or just invest on new games, but he hadn't had the time to spend it that year yet so he figured he had plenty to buy Jace something nice.

"Are you going by yourself?" She raised an eyebrow but didn't turn her eyes to the boy, skillfully organizing the cutlery into a drawer. 

Alexander stared at her, thoughtful. The only people he could invite were Isabelle and Clary but he wasn't in the mood to deal with them window shopping Sephora or any of the stores he knew they liked. It would be counterproductive. Besides, he needed to clear his head. He needed to think about what he talked with his sister. He wouldn't be able to do that with two twelve-year-old girls talking about a variety of subjects that didn't concern him. Clary could even prove to be an extra help but then he'd have to tell her about his possible feelings for Jace and that was too soon. He glanced back at his phone for a moment when it hit him. Of course.

"No." He was already typing a text message, gamer fingers swift and precise on the touch screen as he pressed 'send'. He blinked at his screen expectantly and he could feel Ms. Herondale's eyes finally on him, curious. He kept staring at the screen until a _beep_ came. "I'm meeting Sebastian there."

Now the maid's eyes were inquiringly set on him. That was probably the first time he brought up going somewhere with the boy that wasn't about a school project or an amateur championship. She seemed to be scrutinizing his features. "Is that so?"

Alexander never felt particularly offended when people doubted him and that only added to the general impression his family and close ones had of him: that he wasn't that able to socialize. He sighed. "Why would I lie about that?"

"You're right." She shrugged and turned back to one of the counters in the kitchen. "Well, have fun you two."

* * *

Sundays were the days Sebastian spent with his girlfriend during their school break so he didn't work at his father's kiosk, but this particular week she was traveling with her family so there he was, much more groomed than Alexander had expected him to be for a casual meeting with a friend. Friend. So now he had a guy he liked _liked_ and he had a friend he actually thought of as a friend and not just "something close" to a friend. He wondered if that was what growing up was about: revisiting people and facts and changing his perception on them. It was a strange feeling, but he was glad to regard Sebastian as someone more than just a classmate he enjoyed making school projects together. He waved his hand.

Sebastian was wearing a maroon shirt with embroidered golden flowers on its cuffs, black pants making his legs look thinner than they were. He was fixing his platinum hair as he saw Alexander, smiling brightly and waving a hand at him. "Alec!" He was leaning against one of the tall columns near the mall's main entrance.

"Hey." Alexander scratched under his chin, trying to act casual.

Sebastian peeled himself off the column's rough surface and started for the entrance, a pair of massive glass doors that automatically slid open as they stepped closer. "Now that was a shock, I have to admit."

"What?" Alexander was walking a little behind him, eyes scanning the stores they were passing by.

"You." Sebastian stopped to look at Alexander in genuine amusement. "I never thought you'd want to hang out with me. Or anyone, for that matter." He wasn't mocking or judging the other. More like merely stating. "But I'm glad you did, man."

The Lightwood boy nodded, though he wasn't sure what to say. They were walking aimlessly until they saw a map of all the mall's floors. The mall consisted on four floors, out of which one was dedicated to a pretty diverse food court and the other had all the movie theater rooms. That left them with only two to look for something. Alexander was reading all the names of the stores listed to make sure that floor they were in didn't offer anything when he felt Sebastian leaning over his shoulder. The sudden proximity felt strange but he tried to ignore it.

"So, aren't you telling me what we're doing here?" Sebastian was close enough for him to feel his hot breath on his neck. He stiffened up and shifted on his feet to create a gap between them. 

"I need to, unm, find an appropriate gift." Alexander backed off. He saw the other's face confused and felt uneasy. He wondered if that meant he wasn't gay, the fact that nothing in the other boy particularly appealed to him the way Jace did. Sebastian's eyes were two big dark plums and held a nice contrast with his hair. His features were delicate. His jaw seemed to be sculpted by a skillful designer, a pointed chin giving him a classy aspect. Still, he wouldn't define him as having _interesting_ looks. The seconds he took checking the other out felt like years and he was afraid he might have missed something Sebastian said, but the other was just staring at him as if thinking of what to say. 

That was pathetic. Alexander thought of the boys from school and how they talked about what they liked about girls. Sebastian, even, mentioned once or twice what he most loved about his girlfriend. Everyone had preferences, right? Maybe Sebastian wasn't his type. Why was he even concerned about that, anyway. Being gay was so hard. He could dwell on that later.

Sebastian scratched his forehead, pushing his platinum hair behind his ears. "Gifts can be tricky." His eyes narrowed a little. "They always hold second intentions." He cast a brief glance at Alexander before looking down at the mall map. "Not necessarily romantic, but they do. They can mean ' _sorry_ ', or ' _I am so cool I even bought you something_ ' or ' _I really want to kiss you right now_ '. You need to know what you mean to pick something _appropriate_." He chuckled, his fingers landing on a store that was near the escalators. He tapped the map with his index finger as if to bookmark the store and looked up at Alexander.

Alexander's eyebrows knit together thoughtfully. He thought of how little he knew about Jace to tell what sort of gift he would enjoy. How could he even want the other boy that much knowing so little about him? Feelings were strange manipulative forces driving him to insane efforts, he concluded. He had no idea what message he wanted to convey in his gift other than making Jace smile. Was that enough to choose a gift properly? He scratched the back of his neck. "I guess I just want it to be something remarkable. I want to make a good impression."

"I see... Well, they have nice things." Sebastian jerked his head to urge Alexander to see the store he had been pointing at. "Clothes and accessories are out of question if you want to go for remarkable, so that's the place you're looking for. C'mon." He said over his shoulder and already started towards the escalators.

Alexander followed him, a questioning look upsetting his features. He knew Sebastian was reliable and they were a great team when it came to school assignments. Both had the same level of engagement and commitment and shared their duties fairly enough. There were no reasons for them not to get along. But it was strange to hang out with him like that, casually. He never thought of the other as rude, but he wasn't expecting Sebastian to be this nice, either. He had no expectations, to be quite honest, so the tranquility with which Sebastian acted was surprising. "I never knew you were this pleasant." He let the words escape his lips in a mumble, immediately regretting them as he held both hands over his mouth, both boys climbing up the escalators.

Sebastian turned to him with an expression that showed amusement and curiosity in equal measure. "What did you think I was like?" He inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know. I have no clue on how to _people_  whatsoever." Alexander shrugged, hopelessness darkening the blue in his eyes.

When they got to the floor above, Sebastian tapped one of his shoulders in a friendly manner. "Well, your lack of social skills is certainly better than being a jerk like most of our acquaintances, buddy." He flashed the other a sincere smile. "Or you think I'd keep your backpack on my dad's kiosk if you were?"

Alexander grinned, following Sebastian's lead. He seemed to be much better oriented in finding stores than Alexander himself. He figured he took his girlfriend to malls quite often. "Thanks, Sebastian."

"Speaking of which, who's that Jonathan guy?"

As they strolled towards the store Sebastian had mentioned, Alexander went on about the moving and then how Jace showed up on Saturday and how he didn't know the boy that well. He trusted Sebastian enough to tell him all that, but he wasn't so sure about coming out. He wasn't even sure about who he was. It was too soon to tell, so he didn't tell Sebastian about Jace's birthday.

"So the gift's for him, then?" Sebastian stopped in front of a store. It was huge and there was a variety of items displayed, from house appliances to decoration items, and then toys and useless but funny gadgets. They were all colorful or made references to TV shows and movies.

Alexander was quite impressed. He surveyed the many shelves filled with incredible items. He was examining a funny iPhone case as he pondered whether to answer that question with the truth or not. "Uhm, it's for his mom." There. The thing about bad liars is that they usually overthought excuses and alibis for their lies that were very unreasonable. He could've said something else. He winced at himself, putting the case back in the shelf.

Sebastian was looking at him in puzzlement, but didn't say anything. His eyes were wandering around the store when he tapped Alexander's shoulder. "Hey, look!" He pointed at a section across the store. A woman was leaning on a pile of wine glasses and a boy stood beside her, looking at a couple of funny blue glasses next to it. A familiar boy. "That's Jonathan, right?"

Alexander panicked. His complex had turned white and he couldn't feel his hands. He rushed behind a pile of camera accessories and crouched down, urging Sebastian to join him with a hand. The whole scene was probably hilarious to those passing by the two of them and even Sebastian had to bite off a grin as he crouched beside the boy.

"Oh God oh God oh-"

"Dude, calm down. We can wait until they leave so you don't ruin your surprise." Sebastian settled his hand on Alexander's shoulder again. He seemed to be constantly striving for reassuring gestures which were welcomed by the Lightwood boy. Alexander couldn't take his eyes off his own hands, open palms shaking. Sebastian noticed that and tightened his grip on his shoulder a bit. "Are you sure you're just aiming at giving a good impression?"

Alexander looked back at the other boy, unable to disguise his uneasiness. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, err..." Sebastian grimaced in something Alexander could only compare to when he's constipated. It was awkwardly funny. He frowned. "Never mind. If you're into it, I can't really judge. I mean, Aline is one year younger than me so there's that."

Alexander blinked. What the hell was Sebastian talking about? He watched the other boy for a moment. There were people passing by them and giggling, mumbling something about them playing hide-and-seek in the middle of the store. He ignored them. Did that mean Sebastian kind of understood he was gay and approved of him? And how could he tell Jace was younger? He thought of Isabelle. Maybe she wasn't the only ally he had. "Thank you, Sebastian. I'm not even sure myself how this works but. Thanks, yeah."

Sebastian flashed him a gentle smile. It was understanding and warm, but there was a condescending edge to it as well. Something Alexander was more used to than he wanted, but nothing too annoying. "S'okay. C'mon, you shouldn't be caught squatting here. We can try going for that section." He pointed at another corner of the store. "It looks like they are headed to the cashier. We'll be safe there."

Alexander nodded and followed the boy. He peeked at the direction of the cashier line and saw the familiar figures of Jace and Celine casually standing there, both too focused on the people in front of them to pay him any attention. 

The section they were in now had a wide array of boxes and other sorts of organizers. They had different themes and patterns printed onto their surfaces. Alexander's eyes landed on a very big box that had vintage panels of a lot of Marvel comics printed onto it. He thought of all the comics Jace had, sitting on the floor and waiting for a proper place to be kept in. That box should do. The dimensions seemed enough to keep most of what he could remember from Jace's collection just fine and even fit some more in case the boy was still into buying comics. He reached for the box with both hands and hugged it against his chest. "Here we go."

Sebastian was visibly shocked at his choice. "What the hell." He tilted his head, arms crossed across his chest. "I get it, Alec. You want to give something cool so you don't scare her off, but..."

" _Her_?" Alexander seemed puzzled.

"I don't know their family name, sorry." Sebastian cleared his throat. "Whatever. You don't want to give Marvel shit to Jonathan's mother. That's the opposite of showing her you are into her."

Alexander dropped the box on his feet. His shoes braced the object enough to avoid damages, but there was still a significantly loud noise. It startled people shuffling through the other boxes, but he was too busy watching Sebastian's face. He looked more shocked than the other. " _What_? What the- Oh. _Oh_."

Another big problem about being a bad liar is that no matter how many alibis you came up with, they always ended up biting you in the ass and telling on you. Obviously, Sebastian figured he had a crush on Celine, Alexander realized with horror as his features contorted. His mouth gaped but he was unable to clarify the misunderstanding. He felt the other's gaze on him, clearly trying to get what he missed from the whole story. As if thunderstruck, Sebastian's face went from blatant shock to realization and then embarrassment. He waved both hands in front of him, trying to abort whatever attempt Alexander was making at speaking. He then picked the box from off the ground and held it out.

"Let me check if they are still on the line." Sebastian's effort in acting natural was visible, but he left the aisle they were in as soon as Alexander reached for the box and held it in a tight embrace. 

Alexander's eyes were hopelessly looking down at the box. He wasn't sure he could count on Sebastian coming back. He seemed to be accepting of him having a crush on a woman much older than him - which now made the comment on Aline's age make sense - but that didn't mean he would be ok with him being into her son. That sort of thing you could never tell who would take it well and who wouldn't. His heartbeat was racing and time seemed to have slowed down. People were walking past him as if he were a ghost. He wanted to get out of there. It was a terrible idea. Terrible, terrible idea. His hands started shaking and he was about to drop the box again and run when Sebastian came back into view. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"Well, I had to greet him since he recognized me, but he acted very formal so I guess he didn't see you with me." Sebastian had a shy smile playing with his lips. It looked fragile and Alexander couldn't tell if it was because it was fake or simply concerned. "Coast's clear now, man. Let's go."

Alexander nodded, unable to speak. His heartbeat was normalizing and he managed to pay for the box just fine. As they waited for a staff member to wrap it in cute gift paper, both boys seemed to stare down at the counter, absently. Alexander felt as if a huge canyon had been opened between them and he wasn't even sure why he felt that. They weren't that close to begin with. Still, he missed the touch on his shoulder, the reassurance. He felt his shoulders tingling.

So much for trying to be better at socializing.

* * *

The walk out of the mall was silent and awkward and before Alexander knew it they were on the spot he was going to take a cab back home. He reached for his phone and unlocked its screen, already opening an app when a hand stopped him. He nearly dropped his phone since one of his hands was busy with a gigantic bag holding the gift.

"Have you ever liked me? Really really liked me?" Sebastian's voice was steady and his gaze was demanding.

Alexander was caught off guard, widening his eyes in shock. He licked his lips as he thought about it carefully, lots of memories flashing on the back of his mind as he looked at Sebastian from head to toe. He took a deep breath. He could be completely lame when it came to feelings, but he would've noticed if he felt the way he did about Jace with anyone else. He didn't need to revisit his memories with every single dude he had shared some time with to know that. "No, I don't think so." He blurted out, looking back at Sebastian's face.

"Huh, I see." Sebastian shrugged, his features easing. He shook his head, scratching the back of his neck idly. "Why didn't you tell me about it, then? I mean, if you were hiding some sort of crush on me I'd understand it, but... Why? Did you really think I was just like the others?" He was mildly offended and also sad. He let go of Alexander's hand and shoved both of his hands into his pants' pockets, casting furtive glances at Alexander and kicking at the sidewalk.

"I'm sorry." Alexander could clearly picture Jace's face frowning hard at him for apologizing again. He couldn't have told the other something he himself didn't know about until recently, but he felt guilty anyway. "I wasn't hiding anything, really. I just... I am so lost at this? I don't know how to tell if you really like someone but I just figured that it's how I feel about him and it makes sense but also it doesn't. It's so confusing." He stared down at his phone screen, now locked again. There was no point in denying or trying to make it sound less nerve-racking than it felt. "I mean, how could you tell you liked _liked_ Aline?"

Sebastian grinned at that. His eyes wandered around as if he were recollecting moments in his mind. "Man, that was easy. She used to come to my dad's kiosk with a girl all the time. The first time I saw her, I was working and I saw them kissing," He glanced at Alexander, who inhaled air loudly in shock, but just went on, "so it was easy to know her. It's not that common to see people our age being open about their sexuality in public, I guess. So after a couple of months of watching the two of them together, Aline shows up on her own." He was gesturing with his hands now, gracefully. "I thought her girlfriend might've been waiting for her somewhere else. I was leaning against the counter, counting the money when she came closer to me." He came to a halt mid-story.

Alexander was hypnotized by how the other's voice was, so soothing and calm. He would hear him tell stories all day if he could, attentive eyes set on Sebastian's hands. "And then what?"

"And then I saw her eyes. They were dark and deep and held so much intensity. Man, all those lame literature classes made sense in my mind when I looked at her. I had already dated a few girls but it was out of curiosity. Anyway, Aline came closer and said: ' _My ex loved your coconut shakes but I just wanted to tell you they suck. Big time_.'" Sebastian had the sweetest smile on his face. He quoted his girlfriend in amazement, even though Alexander couldn't get why. 

"And...?"

"And the point is that life doesn't have to be like a stupid movie, you know." Sebastian was looking at Alexander with tenderness in his eyes as he stepped closer. "It was the silliest moment and Aline is so much more than just a girl with an attitude, but still, at that moment, I felt the weirdest sparks, man. I just knew I wanted her with me. So yeah, it doesn't have to make sense to others as long as it makes sense to you."

Those words marked Alexander. He already felt their effect running through his veins and filling him with relief. He smiled sheepishly at the other boy. "You make feelings seem extremely likable, you know."

Sebastian winked. "That's one of my many charms. It's a shame I have never succeeded in seducing you." He elbowed the other playfully before reaching for his phone in his pocket. There was a faint buzzing coming from it. He picked it up, his features changing to something entirely different. _Aline_.

Alexander was still smiling, though a bit surprised at how the other took the whole thing. Seeing that Sebastian was going to take his time with Aline on the phone, he called for a cab and the app announced the vehicle was supposed to arrive soon. They barely had time to say goodbye as it got there and Sebastian was still saying sweet nothings to his girlfriend. They waved at each other as Alexander got into the cab, but before closing the door the boy stopped and looked at Sebastian with thankful blue eyes. 

* * *

Alexander wasn't used to listening to music like his sister was. Even though the idea of detaching himself of whatever happened around him was quite appealing, the times he found himself absorbed by music were abruptly interrupted by random people touching him and asking things. And he hated being surprised like that. He'd rather stay alert and avoid scares. He didn't cope with surprises all that well. He was hugging the bag in front of him as he waited for the elevator when he heard steps echoing in the fancy hall of his building. He would've ignored them if it were any other day, but it was a dumb reflex to look towards the doorway in the hopes of seeing Jace. 

It wasn't. Instead, and old couple from the floor above was calmly walking towards him. He sighed, looking down at the bag he was holding. They all took the elevator in silence.

When Alexander stepped out of the elevator, he balanced the bag on one arm and leg, reaching for his keys in one of his pockets. He held them up and strolled towards his door to find a familiar figure standing there. He nearly dropped his keys as he found Jace there, staring at his door. Jace turned on his heels to acknowledge his presence and blinked in equal shock. He looked a little embarrassed, as if he wasn't expecting someone to spot him there. 

"Alec, hey." Jace mumbled, picking at the hem of his loose red T-shirt nervously. 

"Hey." Alexander tilted his head, his leg and arm already starting to cramp. He stepped closer to his door - and Jace - before carefully resting the bag on the door mat. Jace seemed to follow the bag attentively. The seconds seemed to stretch into years as they both stood in silence. After the beach, he thought things would go smoothly between them. They talked and they got along and he liked the boy so there was no point in not talking, except he had avoided him since that due to his lack of experience and then there was the awfully awkward event in the shopping mall. It wasn't the best moment to demand his brain to come up with a subject to talk to the other. Especially since he seemed to be stalking his apartment's front door. 

Jace cleared his throat. "What's that?" He pointed at the bag, his voice a little sharper than the other had expected. From its opening the package could be seen.

"Ah, this. This is..." Alexander saw no point in lying, but he went through all that trouble of nearly dragging Sebastian to the floor with him that it would be lame to simply give it away like that. "Why don't you come in?" His cheeks were warm and his breath caught on his chest, but that was an advance. He really wanted to sort his feelings. Double-checking was never too much, right? Spending some time with Jace would do them both some good, he thought as he unlocked the door.

Jace looked confused and intrigued. His eyes went from the bag to Alexander, pondering. He shrugged his shoulders and followed the other in, watching the way Alexander held the bag up with extreme care. 

As soon as the dark-haired boy locked the door behind them, Ms. Herondale could be seen sweeping the living room. She stood still as she regarded Jace's presence, bowing slightly at him with a polite smile. "You must be Jonathan, I assume."

Jace straightened his back and nodded, visibly taken aback by her reception. "Yes. Nice to meet you."

Alexander watched them interacting with quiet interest.

Ms. Herondale's smile turned into a more sincere one now. "You seem to be a fine influence on our Alexander, dear."

Alexander felt his cheeks burning brighter as Jace cast a sideways glance at him. "Ms. Herondale and Izzy can be the worst sometimes." He mumbled, jerking his head towards the rooms. "Let's go to my room before she embarrasses me even more."

Jace was clearly amused. He let Alexander lead him to his room in silence and waited for the door to be closed before he spoke. "I thought your mother spent the whole day with you."

"Only on weekends." Alexander left the bag next to his bed and headed to the window, resting both elbows on its frame and standing with his back to the afternoon sky. A warm breeze gently caressed his back and the occasional touch of the curtains against his skin felt good. Or it could be that Jace being in his room made him feel giddy somehow. Yeah, it could be. "Ms. Herondale has been our maid for a while now. She was the one who told us about you."

"Us?"

"Yeah, Izzy and I."

"Oh." Jace was looking intently at Alexander. His eyes were darker now, steps slowly leading him to Alexander. He glanced down at the bag on his way, but not for long. "So that's why you came along." He had a faint smile on his face. Alexander noticed he was wearing white jeans with ripped knees and white sneakers. He also took a mental note on how he didn't notice other people's clothes except for Isabelle's. "To investigate me."

Alexander chuckled. "Yeah. It sounds stupid now." He scratched his shoulder idly. His long lashes nearly glittered against the sun light. "What were you doing in front of my apartment?"

Jace frowned. "I'll answer you if you answer me first." He jerked his thumb at the bag behind him, stepping even closer to Alexander and leaning against the wall, near the window frame.

"Fine." Alexander bit on his lower lip. His chest felt tight, as if his heart had grown too big to be held in. He wanted to look at Jace, he wanted to stare and have another look at all the details he saw back in the boy's room when they first met, but he wasn't sure if that would be too invasive. His eyes were half-lidded as he stared down at the other's chest, trying not to check on him too explicitly. "I bought you a birthday gift."

If he were watching Jace's face, he would've seen the way the boy's eyes seemed to glow. He did see the way his chest raised rapidly with a harsh, surprised breath. 

"You what? You really didn't have to, Alec..." Jace's voice was nearly a whisper but it still sounded so nice, so beautiful.

Alexander couldn't help but shiver, swallowing loudly and averting his eyes. He thought of Sebastian and Aline, how silly his responses to Jace's presence were. But they were undeniable. They were there and they screamed inside him. The whole bringing Jace in wasn't just a mere impulse, he knew that. He crossed his right arm across his chest, his grip firm on his elbow, protective. He took a deep breath. "I didn't. But I wanted to." He spoke softly, eyeing the floor.

He saw Jace's shadow coming closer and held his breath as the boy placed a hand on his forearm. It wasn't forceful but he naturally dropped his arm, leaving his chest exposed. Jace's hand slid down until it held his wrist lightly. Alexander followed the gesture with his eyes. He was having a difficult time to breathe because he thought that any sound could break the moment, so he tried his best to keep quiet. Jace's fingers brushed against his open palm and he let go of Alexander, though he held his hand up for a moment, watching the space between their hands.

"Jace...?" Alexander ventured in a careful voice, raising both eyebrows and leaning a bit closer so he could look at the other's face properly. Jace wouldn't look up, and his face was as unreadable as always.

"I guess I should apologize." Jace finally mumbled, eyebrows knitting together. "I was waiting to see if you would be back here. With _Sebastian_." He gazed up at the other. There were darker rings in his eyes, the different shades of gold making it look like an exquisite piece of jewelry. It wasn't quite polished, but it wasn't raw either. It was something else entirely.

"Sebastian? What about Seb- _Oh_." Alexander looked surprised. "You saw us." He pursed his lips together. He couldn't help but stare back at the other. "He only comes over when we have school projects to finish. Today he was just, uhm, helping me pick a nice gift because I suck big time at it." He stated casually, though he couldn't quite get where the other was getting at. Yet, there he was, feeling like justifying his acts to the other without even being asked about them.

"You are so strange." Jace muttured, shaking his head. "Aren't you angry at me?" He coiled his hands into fists and his shoulders stiffened. "Why are you like this?"

Alexander grimaced, unable to control his pained expression. "I'm not. I mean, I guess I am but... Why would I be angry?"

"Because I was jealous of you." Jace blunted out, stepping away and closer to the bag. He stared down at it. "I was jealous and I didn't want to see Sebastian with you. So I told my mother I wanted to see you again and waited for you to come back."

"You were jealous." Alexander spoke out loud, though it was just a mechanism to try processing what he just heard. Reality didn't make much sense and he was fighting for air, trying to steady his breath as he held onto the window frame with a hand, looking down at the one Jace had touched. "You waited for me..."

"I just." Jace's thin arms had visible veins now, a clear sign of how tight his grip was. He took heavy steps towards the door. "You know what? Forget it. I should just go."

Before he could turn the doorknob, Alexander rushed in his direction, one hand roughly snatching the bag from the floor. He flung the other to have a firm hold on Jace's arm, fingertips sinking into his skin. His heart was beating fast and he could swear his head felt unhealthily lighter. There was a lot he didn't understand about the other. He couldn't find any words to say. He couldn't think about what he heard. He just couldn't understand what that meant. But he did want to do something. "Wait."

Jace stood still, dropping his head so his hair could hide his eyes.

"At least take this." Alexander forced the huge bag on the boy. "I'll open the front door for you so you can properly carry it." He mumbled in a sad voice. But that was the right thing to do.

Jace nodded and hugged the bag, stepping away so Alexander could take the lead. They went to the apartment's front door in an awkward silence. Alexander realized Ms. Herondale was probably cleaning up the bathrooms. He unlocked the door and held it open for Jace to step out. As they exchanged one last look, Alexander had a sad face while Jace just stared back blankly. 

"He didn't help me pick that." Alexander made it sound like an excuse.

Jace blinked at him and for a moment it looked like he was going to say something, but he just nodded and turned to his apartment, leaving a helpless Alexander behind. As the boy headed back to his room, he ran into Isabelle going to the kitchen. She had a sad face, too, and he felt even worse to think she could be feeling sorry for him. He didn't say anything and headed back to his room, where he dug his face into his pillows and cursed in a low voice until he fell asleep. A nap was more than welcomed now.

* * *

Hours went by fast and soon enough Alexander was being woken up by his mother telling him to go have dinner. Once all children were seated with her, Maryse mentioned something about Robert having a late client dinner, someone that wanted to discuss how to implement his services. Isabelle and Clary exchanged looks and stared at Alexander, one worried, the other curious. He wondered if Isabelle told her friend about seeing him looking miserable before heading to his room, but they said nothing so he didn't bring it up. They spent the meal hearing about Maryse's cases and dumb law firms and Clary and Isabelle told her about the gazillion ideas they had for their future, most of which included marrying a Monaco prince. It was funny, but he wasn't inclined to join in light conversation. When he was asked what he did at the mall, he wondered if Ms. Herondale had mentioned Jace's brief visit, but his mother didn't seem to ask him about it so he just mentioned the part where Sebastian and him were at the mall together.

As expected, that startled the other three, who looked astonished as if he had done something humanly impossible. Alexander shrugged. He should have expected that. They didn't dwell on the matter that much, but he could sense some sort of approval on the way his mother peeked at him from time to time. 

Before Alexander could leave the kitchen, his mother called him and raised her cell phone screen at him. "It looks like Celine's inviting you over, Alexander."

It was a text message from Jace's mother inviting him to sleep over and celebrate Jace's birthday the day after. She asked for Maryse's permission and seemed quite excited about Jace having someone to spend the day with. Alexander couldn't help but stare at the screen for a feel seconds. Did she know how things went? Was that invitation made after Jace's approval? Or even, upon his request? Alexander wouldn't know, but he nodded at his mother and set to his room.

"And Alexander!" Maryse yelled at the boy, who already had his backpack in his hands. He shoved black loose pajama pants and two dark gray T-shirts, one brand new and one with holes on its sleeves. "Get one of our mattresses. She says you'll need it!"

Alexander rolled his eyes. Couldn't the woman have asked for something simpler? He had zipped the backpack and went for the room with all the mattresses, considering their dimensions before picking the easiest one to carry and pushing it all the way to the entrance door. It was hard not to knock things on his way but with the help of the two girls, he managed to maneuver the mattress all the way to the front door of Jace's apartment. Maryse had already texted Celine about it. They all waved Alexander goodbye and left for the apartment, Isabelle visibly shooing them with absurd excuses like thinking someone left the stove on.

After ringing the door bell, Alexander was welcomed by Celine, who smiled happily at him and urged him in with wide gestures, already going for the mattress to help him. She was clearly trying to strike a conversation with him about Jace going there and how glad she was that they got along, about the beach and everything, but Alexander only heard bits of the topics she suggested and made unremarkable comments in return. Luckily, he looked sleepy enough to excuse his apathy so she simply ushered him to Jace's room, mattress lying against the wall. In between subjects, he could swear she mentioned how she got to invite him over and that was the only thing he regretted not hearing, but having Maryse's number wasn't odd since they fixed the bathroom problems and contacted each other in the process.

"Well, I'm almost done with the cooking for your lunch tomorrow." Celine said as she left for their kitchen. He wished he had taken a closer look at it, just out of curiosity. 

Alexander's eyes were glued on Jace's door now, licking his lips nervously as he knocked. Almost immediately the door flung open, showing a grumpy Jace standing on the other side, wearing only a pair of navy blue pajama pants. He looked past Alexander and acknowledged the mattress lying there. Both boys silently moved it to the room and placed it next to Jace's bed. It was a massive effort to look calm and collected around a semi-naked Jace and Alexander could feel the air getting thinner once more. He tried to look at the room he thought he knew and noticed that a lot of things were different. First, the sports gear had been placed inside a huge basket. He frowned, wondering if his idea had been too lame or repetitive but what's done's done. He then spotted the box he had bought him, filled with comics carefully placed. 

"You were supposed to open that after midnight." Alexander couldn't resist saying, warily stepping further into the room until his fingers were brushing idly against the boy's writing desk. He carefully hung his backpack on the back of the chair there, waiting for Jace to close the door of the room.

Jace was facing the door, hiding from Alexander. His shoulders were tense and his breath caught. Alexander didn't know he could notice these things, but he could tell by just taking a look at Jace. The silence was overwhelming and slowly taking over him. First his stomach, then his lungs and his whole chest. It infected him like a bacteria, corrupting his insides as he thought of what to say. He couldn't think of anything wrong he had done and he didn't feel particularly guilty about hanging out with Sebastian. He thought of how they interacted at the beach. Why would he be jealous? He could swear there were invisible forces poking at his brains, pushing him to work, but he couldn't think of anything. He took a deep breath. If he was going to spend the night in the same room as Jace, the least he could do was open up and be honest. Give the boy the right to reject him.

"Hey, Jace." Alexander took tentative steps towards the other, stopping at a reasonable distance. "Jonathan."

"Don't call me that." Jace's voice shook, but he wouldn't look at the other just yet. _Anger_. 

"Ok." Alexander bit back the urge to apologize and cleared his throat. The crushing feeling in his chest was almost unbearable, but that was the thing about honesty. "Jace, I... I think there's something you should know. Something I should tell you, yeah."

Jace looked at him over his shoulder. For the first time, Alexander was able to read that look well: Fear. He was scared. Scared of what he would hear and what he would have to face, Alexander thought and felt his heart sink. The golden-haired boy turned to face him with a tired face, bringing a hand to his face. He was trying to pull himself together, Alexander could tell. "Whatever it is, can you say it after midnight? Can we just watch something... For now?"

The Lightwood boy nodded at him. Holding all his feelings inside was like being really sick and not being able to puke, but he would do it. For Jace. He looked truly devastated and the inability to tell the reason why was killing Alexander. He hoped a movie would lift their spirits.

They headed for the living room where his mother was watching a Mexican soap opera on the TV. She looked tired and eyed the boys for a moment before leaving the couch, tapping her son's back lightly. "I won't be around tomorrow so I left you lunch, ok? It's in the fridge." She smiled at them. "I should really get some sleep now, but feel free to use the TV." With that said, she went to her bedroom.

They stared at the TV set for a moment until they frowned.

"Why do they always scream so much?" Jace started, reaching for the remote control.

"I know, right. And their faces, as if Godzilla had just jumped out of the water in front of them." Alexander made a funny face.

They chuckled. After a few minutes channel surfing, they found a channel that was airing a Mission Impossible marathon. The second was about to start so they settled on the couch, each taking a corner and leaving a safe distance between them. Alexander felt that sensation again, that a canyon was forming there and he wouldn't be able to jump over that, but he pushed the thought to the back of his mind, trying to focus on the screen in front of them.

By the end of the second commercial break, both were dozing off. After a while, there was a loud explosion noise and Alexander found himself rubbing his eyes. He went for his phone on his pocket and checked the time: 12:06 a.m. _Crap_. He looked at Jace, who seemed to be fighting off his sleep. He should let the other boy sleep. It was his birthday and he needed some rest if he had any plans for the day. Moreover, Alexander was a guest and it would be rude. He should've gone to the room and slept. Or tried to find sheets to cover Jace. He thought of many things, but his body acted first, shaking Jace's shoulder lightly. The boy blinked his eyes open, staring in confusion at Alexander.

"Alec?" He grumbled, yawning lazily. 

Alexander gazed at the other. "Happy birthday, Jace." He swallowed hard.

Jace stretched his arms, his lips contorted in the process - though Alexander could swear he saw the hint of a smile there. "Thanks." He rubbed his eyes. "I mean, thanks for coming."

"Jace." Alexander was serious, his blue eyes as intense as they could get.

"What?" There was purity in Jace's question.

There were a lot of alarms going off inside Alexander's mind. They told him to stop before it was too late. They told him that could ruin everything. He had a bunch of overlapping voices and feelings he didn't know how to name or how to deal with. They were all intense and equally eager to take over him, to drive his actions and make him go crazy. And though it was still too soon to tell what he was, he didn't forget _who_ he was.

"I like you." Alexander blurted out. Simple and clear, straight to the point. What was the point in stalling? He wasn't good at that.

"I like you, too, Alec." Jace had his eyes on Alexander's.

"No, I mean." Alexander frowned but refused to avert his gaze. "I really want to kiss you right now." His heart was drumming loudly against his rib cage and he lost the ability to coordinate his hands properly, gripping at the fabric covering the couch with such strength that his knuckles turned white. There, he said it. He felt sick again.

Jace, on the other hand, didn't let any emotions show in his face as he scooted closer. Alexander winced, preparing for the worse. If the other wanted to yell at him for that, he would let him because it was his home, his birthday, his couch. He felt tiny and powerless as he felt Jace's breath against his cheeks. His eyes opened to find that familiar set staring back at him, a smirk plastered on Jace's face. Alexander didn't move an inch, lips parted in surprise.

"Then do it." Jace muttered, and then he kissed Alexander. 

It was rough and awkward and both boys had to shift in their places to lean against each other more comfortably, their mouths violently clashing against each other.  _Want. Longing. Craving_. All those sensations were translated in sloppy lip movements and teeth crashing against teeth accidentally, and forced tongues. Their inexperience was clear, but so was their eagerness to make their kiss fit. Their hands were shaking and tentatively holding each other's faces as the kiss deepened. They needed to feel safe and real. It took them a while before it hit them that they were really kissing each other and that Jace's mother could walk in at any moment.

They pulled away, panting, both with half-lidded eyes downcast. So that was what it felt like, to kiss for the first time. Alexander brought a hand up to his lips, trying to cover his smile but failing hard. 

"We should go to sleep." Jace suggested, taking one of Alexander's hands with his own in a reassuring gesture. "Thanks for the amazing birthday gift."

Alexander dropped the hand covering his lips. He could almost understand why Sebastian wanted to buy Aline a boat. For another kiss like that, he'd give Jace the moon if he had to.

"You're welcome."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a cover for this fanfic but I am a little insecure about it .__. I might post it later though! 
> 
> Anyways, you asked and there it is! I hope you liked it <3  
> ((MALEC SHIPPERS I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT YOU. You will get just as much love))


	6. Closer Together

Unlike the Lightwood boy's bedroom, Jace's was raw to a point where there were no curtains or blinders to shelter them from the rising sun. The room had a different disposition of furniture and since Alexander's mattress got placed next to Jace's bed, it was right below the sunlight coming from outside. His brain registered the heat and so he dreamed he was feverish and his family came and went from his room, offering a variety of solutions that didn't seem to work. Even Jace came, asking him if he were the Human Torch - which was remarkable since his mental repertoire of superheroes wasn't that vast. He found no rest from the fever and woke up with a start, gasping with his eyes wide open. He brought his knuckles up to his cheeks to check on his temperature. Although they were warm, they weren't burning like he dreamed they were. He sighed and shifted slightly, stretching his arms with clenched fists and a lazy yawn. As he turned his face, he realized he had been under the very attentive watch of two golden orbs, downcast at him with an amused edge to them.

"Morning." Jace's voice was a little hoarse. He was lying on his side and had his body propped up on one folded arm under him, his face resting on a lazy fist. His face hovered over Alexander as his bed posed taller than the mattress on the floor. 

Alexander let his eyes adjust to his silhouette, eyes wincing a bit as the sun cut through his vision. It lit Jace's face partially, enough to show in detail the way his hair shone like a crown newly molded. He couldn't help but feel his chest tighten, too small to hold all the affection he felt in. "Morning." He replied, propping himself on both elbows with a faint smile. 

What happened last night was coming back to Alexander's mind in small waves, gently surfacing as their eyes met. There was fondness in the way Jace looked at him, a kind of reassurance he didn't know he was looking for but was welcomed. Reassurance of their kiss, of their confessions. It was all real.

"I see you've made yourself very comfortable in my bedroom already." Jace mumbled with a snarky grin, jerking his head.

Alexander followed the gesture and found himself staring down at a familiar bulge tenting his pajama pants. His cheeks burnt from within, embarrassment getting the best of him as he rushed into a sitting position, an open palm firmly planted between his legs to try hiding his morning wood. Not that it would do him much since it had already been seen, but it was automatic.

"You're the worst." Alexander muttered, frowning. "I'd apologize but-"

Jace leaned closer now that the distance between them was very little, his eyelashes glittering as he looked down at Alexander's lips. His grin seemed unchanged. "But?"

Their proximity seemed to do things with Alexander's body that he didn't want know how to classify. His erection twitched against his wrist. He pursed his lips together. _But I'd rather kiss you_. A part of him wanted to surrender to the other completely, grab him by the face and kiss his lips sore. He wanted to memorize every twist his tongue made, every curve of his lips, the way they parted, how they tasted. He wanted to map Jace's mouth thoroughly, over and over again. However, there was just as much willingness in unveiling the boy's mysteries, learning about his life, his past, what his struggles were, or even the silliest things like his favorite colors or if that had been his first kiss as well. A million thoughts infected his mind as he glanced down at those tempting lips. It wasn't just about kissing, but truly knowing who he was kissing. 

Alexander brushed the tip of his nose against Jace's, their lips barely touching before he pulled away. "I'm not ready to let you taste my morning breath."

Jace rolled his eyes, chuckling. " _Fine_."

All the faces Jace made fascinated Alexander and he didn't hate himself for noticing them anymore.

* * *

**Closer Together**

They brushed their teeth in contemplative quietude. There was a silent conversation going on between them by the way they looked at each other. Even though they didn't actually talk about what happened the night before, it was there and there seemed to be a mutual agreement that neither of them needed to confirm it. They knew it. Alexander wanted to ask him how long he had been feeling the same, but that wasn't important. He thought of what Sebastian said. Jace liking him was just as crazy as him liking someone. A total foreign feeling to him, but it made sense. In his heart, it made sense and that's all that mattered.

They left the bathroom and Alexander followed him to the kitchen. Since all the apartments had the same counters set on their walls, only the appliances were different from the Lightwoods'. The lack of decor reinforced the obvious, that they had just moved in. Jace strolled towards a basket of fresh apples on one of the counters with a light smile on his face. "Hey, don't sweat it, really." He cast a sidelong glance at Alexander before grabbing two apples. "I have morning woods, too. It's just that I woke up earlier and had time to handle it."

Alexander froze. Very inappropriate images of Jace _handling_  his morning wood popped into his mind, his cheeks blushing violently. That wouldn't help him. He shook his head, frowning slightly at himself. Stupid body. "Where's your mother?" He asked abruptly. He gripped tightly at the hem of his T-shirt, knuckles going white. 

Jace had that unreadable face Alexander felt like cracking open and plastering on his wall, all at once. "She's with her lawyers." He stared down at the apples thoughtfully. "Whenever they have to talk, I can't stay around. But today's my birthday," He shrugged. "So they are meeting somewhere else." His voice was low as he turned to Alexander. 

That was something Alexander could relate to, he realized to his surprise. "I see... My mom renders services to a lot of law firms." He said, eyeing the apples. 

Jace blinked at him. "Is that so?"

Alexander nodded. "She says lawyers are like filthy vultures." He added, shrugging. He didn't like that much to recall his few experiences involving lawyers and family, but it didn't personally harm him, either. He was very detached from family issues in general to spare himself the pain and worry his sister had. She was always talking about the rest of their relatives with such concern. Her soul was really old, he thought. "Aunt Helen forced the cousins you met to attend all those goddamn meetings, but mom kept Izzy and me out."

Jace didn't say a word, but his features were more expressive now. He made a sound of acknowledgement and made his way past Alexander to indicate they weren't staying in the kitchen. Alexander followed him and they were back to the couch from the night before. He thought of the first time he stepped into that apartment, the day they met. His eyes were more familiarized with the faces of Jace and Celine now, so he was able to identify them in several of the photographs hanging on the wall. There was a multitude of photos portraying only a young Jace and a bright Celine, from fishing together to playing at colorful swings. Among all the happy shots, a few ones showed Jace next to a man that Alexander supposed was his father, but none of the three of them together. He wondered if grief had taken those away.

"Was it about your grandparents' will?" Jace finally broke the silence. His face was set in a thoughtful frown and he stared down at his apple apprehensively. Alexander had been staring for so long at the pictures he didn't seem to realize the other was still pondering at what he said before.

"Yeah." Alexander said, coming back from his trance and turning his apple in his hand. His eyes scanned its surface idly as he spoke. "Blood's thicker than water but not money and real estate, I guess." He shrugged and bit down at his apple, getting juice all over his mouth and cheeks. Not that he cared.

"I guess." Jace nodded, his gaze faraway. "My father didn't even have siblings and my mom's going through all this shit." He grimaced, but it wasn't pain. No, it was annoyance in his eyes. He bit his apple delicately.

Alexander found the way Jace's jaws and lips moved when he chewed quite charming. _Charming_. There were so many ordinary things that became the most fascinating things in the whole world when it was Jace doing them. It was infuriating and addictive, how he wanted to watch the other's every move, eyes lost in Jace's face. They ate their apples slowly. Alexander knew saying supportive words at times like these was pointless and Jace made it clear how he disliked when people said things just out of habit. He hoped his silence wouldn't come off as indifference. 

"You are making that face." Jace started, raising an eyebrow. He had the remains of his apple between his thumb and index finger. His eyes narrowed.

"What face?"

"You want to say you're sorry, don't you." Jace's eyes were inquisitive, deep into the other's blue set.

"Maybe." Alexander sighed, looking at the leftovers of his own apple with a helpless face. He felt like an answering machine with the same message recorded on it. One single answer to situations he didn't verbally know how to deal with.

Jace shook his head dramatically, disposing both of their apples in the kitchen trash can. There was the running water noise from the sink there and then Jace was back. He sat shamelessly closer to Alexander now, who watched in a mixture of shock and tension. Alexander shifted in his seat so he could face the other better, both hands on his lap. So that was it. No more conversation for the day? The bits of knowledge he had on how interactions between people that liked each other should work weren't very helpful. His sister had a few corresponded crushes but they basically held hands or gave her silly gifts. Then there were the boys from school who talked about a lot of filthy things he didn't take much part in. He always thought they didn't get as much action as they said they did. Sebastian could've been a reliable source but he didn't have time enough to ask him about those things. His tongue ran nervously over his lips before he bit down on his lower lip. Jace seemed to watch the movement attentively.

Alexander was cornered against one of the couch's arms but that didn't seem to bother him. He was much more annoyed at him being awkward. He breathed in and then out. "Jace, look, I don't know how this works." He started, averting his gaze. "Can we talk about it?"

"Sure." Jace shrugged, smiling sheepishly. "We make out like crazy until my mother gets back. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up." Jace had this mock angelical face that didn't match his words. "Any doubts?"

Alexander was startled at how easy he said it. He wanted to establish what that meant, he wanted to understand how they would behave around each other. He wanted all those rational things, but his body was weak and he didn't get the chance to release his growing yearning. He craved whatever he could get from the other at that stage. He brought a hand up and clenched it in the thin fabric of Jace's T-shirt to urge him close, their faces less than an inch apart now. These impulses, he would have to master them. He didn't like the idea of surrendering to hormonal overflow, but Jace's eyes were darker and his own set of blue gems was tainted with hunger. "I think I got it." He closed his eyes and their mouths clashed together.

This time, the kiss wasn't as sloppy as their first one. There were still miscalculated moves and awkward turns of their faces, but they seemed to adjust fine. Their mouths took each other's shape in a choreography being learned and perfected as it went on. Alexander was still amazed at the fact that two tongues could fit in a kiss. He had always wondered about that and about what made kissing so great. There was the taste of apples and mint toothpaste and, well, saliva. If he isolated all the elements implied in kissing, it surely wasn't as appealing as people made it seem like, but the overall experience. Oh, it was just too much... He could feel Jace's breath uneven and mingling with his own, as if he seemed unable to swim and Alexander was both the drowning water and the oxygen he needed. There were his hands. They were careful and tentative, first exploring only the most innocent parts: forearms, arms, shoulders. Alexander shifted to lean against the arm of the couch comfortably. Jace gasped as their kiss broke. He looked down at the other. 

Alexander could see his own feelings reflected in Jace's golden eyes. Fear of the unknown. Their bodies weren't trained for that yet, even if they had already seen a lot of content on the matter. They stared at each other for what lasted an eternity, dazed in their own world of discoveries. The dark-haired boy realized Jace was just as lost as he was. That gave him a strange breath of confidence. He wasn't alone in this. He smiled faintly, his chest rising and falling fast as he looked up at the other. Before he could think of anything to say, Jace was leaning closer to him, shifting and forcing his legs open to settle between them. It wasn't invasive, but so odd - so new. Jace braced both sides of Alexander's face with his folded arms, hands firmly gripping at the edge of the couch's arm. They let themselves dive deep in their gazes.

"So... How many people have you kissed?" Jace whispered the question into Alexander's lips. 

Alexander felt his skin burn and tingle all over. He thought of his cousin asking him the same question and Isabelle defending him after his vague answer. That was a weird thing for Jace to remember. He licked his lips. "Zero." He wasn't ashamed to tell Jace that. Unlike his cousins, the boy wasn't trying to humiliate him. He could trust him with the blatant truth.

Jace chuckled lightly. "And here I thought my first kiss had been with an expert." 

"Shut up." Alexander pressed their lips together. He wouldn't have minded if the other had already kissed others before, but there was something very special about sharing a first with him. Some sort of intimacy he didn't quite understand, but would grow to value.

Their lips melted as the kiss intensified. Their hunger was urgent and predatory, and their movements grew more synchronized. Alexander found himself running his hands on the other's back, exploring the geography of his spine through his T-shirt and enjoying the little sounds Jace produced when he touched certain parts. When he reached his lower back, Jace forced his hips down in a dangerous motion, yanking a sound on the back of his throat. Their inexperienced bodies were sensitive and responsive and the fact that he felt Jace hard against his own bulge didn't help much. Shivers ran down his spine as he rolled his hips up instinctively to respond to that. He saw stars in the back of his eyes, groaning. 

Jace gasped and Alexander took that as a sign of encouragement. His rational thoughts were out of reach, replaced by the drunkenness of physical thirst and images of what Jace teased him about that morning. He wondered if Jace had masturbated while he was asleep. The picture he had was so lewd, but worked wonders in his mind. His whole body was tingling as he slid a shaking hand under Jace's T-shirt, their hips grinding nonstop. Jace's skin was rough, he wondered if due to years of sportive practices like his own. He wanted to explore and map it with his fingers thoroughly. One of Jace's hands went down to hold Alexander's waist firmly, urging him to keep up with the desperate pace of his hips. They weren't just kissing anymore. They were fighting for air and choking down moans, trying their best to tend to their teenage bodies' needs. Jace was clearly much more invested on it, biting at Alexander's lower lip as he groaned. 

" _Alec_... Alec, I... Alec--!" Jace winced his eyes shut and let out a shamelessly loud moan into Alexander's lips. He was panting harder than the other boy, his cheeks flushed in a very vivid red. 

Alexander's hands froze as he watched Jace. His eyes lingered on Jace's features in search for clues of what happened. There was a thin layer of sweat forming on his forehead, his pupils were swallowing his golden irises, reducing them to a mere lingering ring, and his lips were swollen from vicious kissing. There was also an unexpected sensation down their crotches. Alexander parted his lips in a wide 'O', blinking and glancing down at the gap between them. "Did you...?"

Jace pulled away like a cat, sitting on his legs and staring down at a very significant fresh stain on his pajama pants. He chewed the inside of his cheeks and frowned. His lips were pursed together in a thin line. He shook his head after a while and left Alexander there, rushing to his bathroom and shutting the door behind him.

Alexander watched him incredulously. He would have probably reached his own limits if they continued grinding against each other. His cock was still as hard as a rock and he knew what jizz in pants looked like, but it was still a shock to think he made another boy come. It wasn't just watching or picturing it, but taking active part in Jace's orgasm. He raised his hands to eye level and stared at them for a moment. He was more skilled with his body than with his words, he thought. And he smiled. He heard the shower being turned on and looked at the direction Jace went. The boy probably decided to take a shower.

Alexander was still achingly hard and horny, and now he was also painfully aware of a naked Jace showering not that far from him. It was too much. He lowered his hand and reached for his cock. He would have to be careful, but then, when wasn't he? He clenched a hand around his cock and finished himself with an urgency that was new to him, his other hand cupping the tip of his cock to keep his cum from spilling on the couch. There was Jace and only Jace in his mind, playing on repeat:  _Alec, Alec, Alec..._

* * *

Alexander was neatly dressed and staring at his phone screen absently when Jace emerged from the bathroom, wearing only red swim shorts. His hair was dripping wet and hadn't been combed, falling down his head like golden thorns framing his face. He was rubbing his chest idly as he came into Alexander's view. His eyes wouldn't meet the other's glance, which meant he was still bothered by what had happened. For a boy that was so confident about his erection not long ago, that surely felt like an unexpected turn of events. But just as the other tried to lighten the mood before, Alexander knew it was up to him to do the same now. He needed some context first.

"How about we check what we have for lunch?" Alexander tried with an awkward face, scratching the back of his neck. Jace simply nodded and headed to the kitchen. 

What once felt like a consented silence was growing into an expectant one. Alexander could feel that canyon opening up under his feet again, not to divide them but to eat him up and swallow the least of eloquence he had. They scanned the fridge together and reached for two greenish plastic food containers. One had pasta while the other had a ridiculous amount of what smelled like Alfredo sauce. It made him think of the Olive Garden's as they poured their portions on two white deep plates. After they heated their plates, Jace gestured towards the living room. The kitchen had no table, but there was a modest one made of a metallic frail structure and a glass top in the living room. It was surrounded by a set of four wooden chairs that mismatched its style. Alexander didn't pay attention to those details when he was too focused on the pictures near the TV set, but there was still a lot from their furniture missing. 

They sat across from each other, Jace propping his face on his knuckles. He looked younger than he was like that, his eyes fixated on the pasta he had on his fork. Alexander eyed his own plate for a moment before looking back at Jace.

"I'm going to be a real hypocrite now and apologize." There was an effort to sound casual from Jace. "I'm sorry." He lifted his gaze to meet Alexander's.

The dark-haired boy smiled sheepishly. "That's ok." He didn't seem to give those words the same weight Jace gave. Saying he was sorry was a means to convey much more than just an apology. It was admitting something, materializing a mistake and saying ' _hey, I know what I did and I was a jerk for it_ '. But now, he couldn't agree more with Jace's definition. He did nothing wrong. "I was having a hard time holding back, too. But I had time to handle it." He didn't know how to sound mischievous, so the seriousness with which he spoke didn't quite match his words.

Jace stared at him for a moment, his cheeks reddening a bit before he burst out into a fit of laughter, resting his fork back on his plate to hold his belly. Alexander could spend his entire day just serving him with reasons to laugh like that. 

"You're so strange." Jace shook his head, amused. He had a coy smile on his lips. "But you were right. We should talk about this."

Lunch went by quite fast and as they did the dishes together, both realized they weren't as mature as they thought they were. Confessing their feelings to each other and practicing kisses was something, but hardcore making out was an impulse that was worth holding back for a while. Through unspoken words, both reached the conclusion that they were still discovering their own bodies and their reactions to things and that sort of touching was overwhelming. They agreed on only kissing, knowing it would be hard after taking so many steps forward, but it was for their own good. It was so that when they finally did it again, it wouldn't be embarrassing or awkward. Alexander apologized and blamed himself for going too far but Jace interrupted him, visibly annoyed. He made sure the other understood he liked what happened. He just didn't know he was ready for another experience like that so soon. Something in the way he spoke gave off the impression that his pride was hurt. Alexander found it endearing. It was the opposite of his own demeanor.

The rest of the afternoon was all about watching Tom Cruise movies and complaining about how he always survived or never got caught. They said awful things about the plots but then the action scenes came and they couldn't stop staring at the TV screen, too amazed at his moves - they were in denial about stunt doubles. When Celine arrived, she was welcomed by the view of two boys napping, their mouths wide open and drooling, each in a corner of the couch. The TV had some samurai movie with Tom Cruise in it. She sighed and kissed her son's forehead tenderly before heading to her room. 

Alexander heard her come and go, and wondered if she had any luck with her lawyers.

* * *

When Alexander got back to his apartment, Isabelle sat on the living room with Clary. They were sorting a deck of cards and deciding what to play when they saw him, his hair a bit messy and his clothes rumpled on one side from sleeping in an awkward position on the couch. Isabelle raised a questioning eyebrow at her brother while Clary didn't seem to notice anything too odd in his looks. He shrugged and made a face that pretty much meant ' _oh well, you know how it is_ ' and went to his room.

Celine had carefully told Alexander there were things she needed to talk to Jace, and that was his cue to go back home. He didn't even change. On his way out, Jace leaned forward and squeezed his hand, telling him he would let him know when he was free again. He was used to long periods of seclusion since he only interacted with people of his age when he was at school, but since Jace came around, it was different. Now he knew what it was like to really spend some time with someone and he enjoyed it. He wasn't sure how easy it would be to wait for the other to call him, but he was willing to work on that. Seeing Clary and his sister was particularly lonely. since he didn't feel very inclined to join them and ruin their moment. He spent the rest of the day playing video games.

Well, the rest of the week, actually. Days went by without a single word from Jace. He thought of Isabelle's silly motives to go check on the hallway and see if Jace was there when he just moved and found himself taking the trash out every day like she did.

Ms. Herondale was intrigued at his sudden change of nature. She loved the Lightwoods as if they were her own children and tried to be fair, but it was unquestionable how her eyes glimmered at Alexander's every progress. She knew he had the most difficult time, socially speaking, and deemed an improvement to see how he behaved since Jace got into his life. She wouldn't even question him about it or say anything that would threaten his sense of discretion - she knew he'd recoil again. But she wasn't dumb. She even thought of showing up on their neighbor's apartment herself and inquire about their disappearance, mention how Alexander had been eagerly waiting for any form of contact, but that would be intruding. She could only contribute with Alexander's impatience, then, by supplying him with a variety of excuses to go outside.

It was already Monday again when it happened. 

Alexander was taking the trash out for the fifth time that day when he heard yelling coming from Jace's apartment. Their door was made of very thick wood, enough to muffle the sound of their door bell, so he figured there was a fight going on, but he couldn't quite understand what they were yelling. He took furtive steps closer. He knew it was wrong to try eavesdropping but he couldn't help standing outside their door, leaning against it. It took him a couple of minutes to realize the yelling came from Jace only. His mother was probably keeping her voice down, he thought, squinting his eyes as if it would be of any help. It wasn't. He held his breath involuntarily. Something about the way Jace's voice broke between sentences told him he was pleading. Alexander could hear the other's voice getting closer to the door and stepped back. 

The door opened in a clumsy turn of keys. Jace had his back to Alexander as he cried out to his mother. "I HATE THAT PLACE!" He stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. Alexander stood a couple of feet from him, bewildered. Jace's face was red as he narrowed his eyes studiously at the dark-haired boy. 

Alexander parted his lips, but he didn't get to say anything as the door opened again and Celine stood there with an anguished face. Jace scoffed and hurried for the fire escape stairs, disappearing from their view. Alexander looked at Celine, despair and confusion twisting his features, but the woman shook her head lightly. 

"What happened?"

"Oh darling, I think you should come in..."

* * *

Celine was pouring some orange juice into two glasses on top of the sink counter as Alexander watched, leaning against the kitchen door frame. His lips were bruised from his biting by the time she handled him a glass, but he couldn't help the growing anxiety consuming his chest. Of course, Jace's mother would know better and if he were in real trouble, she would've gone after him, right? He hoped so as he walked with her. He thought they would be staying in the living room, but she proceeded towards the rooms, past Jace's, to enter what Alexander guessed was her bedroom. There was a king-sized bed in the middle of it and a couple of wardrobes awkwardly placed in two opposing walls, making the room feel much smaller than his parents' was. There was a number of neat piles of papers and folders set on top of her bed, which she carefully reallocated to make some room for the both of them to sit. Alexander wasn't very comfortable with the idea, watching her as she gestured for him to sit across from where she was. He stood near her, his grip on the glass tightening. He could count the number of times he got into his parents' room, so being there with Jace's mother felt like transgressing.

"Don't be shy." She smiled at him tiredly. 

Alexander wasn't shy. He was trained. Some inherited conventions spoke louder than situational permissions. He took a sip from his juice, scooting closer to the bed. "I'm fine. I just... Should I have followed him?" He couldn't help the question.

Celine's features were sad. "I'm not sure that would do him or you any good, actually." She averted her gaze to the papers surrounding her. Her profile held the same traits Alexander saw in Jace: her eyelashes were long and her features had a certain nobility to them. He watched her with unusual awareness to the way she moved, looking for some resemblance. "Jonathan is, well, it's complicated."

"He told me about his father." Alexander provided in a mumble from behind his glass. It didn't seem right to force her to contextualize that. He figured it wasn't that enjoyable to remember it, let alone say it out loud. 

Celine widened her eyes at that, clearly not expecting him to know. "He did?"

"When I took him to the beach, yes." Alexander nodded, finishing his juice in a long swig. 

She blinked at him and shrugged with a faint curl of her lips. "I see. Silly me. I should've expected him to tell it to his boyfriend." Her voice was steady and calm as she dropped those words.

 _Boyfriend_. Alexander choke on the remains of juice in his throat, punching himself in the chest lightly as he coughed. So dramatic.

Celine seemed amused at his reaction. Familiarized with it, even. "It's okay, Alexander. You shouldn't worry about me. I know my son."

Those words cut him through like daggers. Alexander thought of his sister and Sebastian, which were already more than he could ask for. But then the image of his parents came into his mind and all the times they insinuated how he should marry and have kids and pass on the good genes of his eyes. It was easier to come into terms with liking someone than accepting that his sexual orientation was not broadly appreciated. He didn't give it much thought since that talk to his sister. At that time, it seemed more important to define whatever emotions he was cultivating for Jace, but at some point it would matter. He would have to have _the talk_ to his parents. Her words echoed in his head. Did his parents even know _their_ son?

Celine took his silence as a sign that she should continue talking. She ran one finger over the edge of her glass, eyes downcast. "God, I was so afraid he'd do the same..." She sounded suffocated, pushing her feelings down her throat. "He knows I don't love him any less for that." She glanced at Alexander, who was looking around for a nightstand, anything he could rest his glass on. He failed.

"What happened, then?"

"Bureaucracy happened." Celine frowned. "I thought we'd have some peace moving in here, but there's still a lot to settle. We can't leave that horrible place just yet." She was grimacing now, disgusted and afflicted. She stood up and reached for the empty glass he was holding. Her eyes were dense like her son's, penetrating Alexander's blue gaze. They were glowing like melting iron. "His father wasn't very kind to him before he... You know. He doesn't bring Jonathan the best of memories." She pursed her lips together. "I think he wants to be left alone now."

Everything about that family was so opposite to his, Alexander thought. Where he had been conditioned to respond in a certain way, Jace seemed to question it. Although their parents seemed to agree on leaving their children out of legal matters as much as they could, Jace still seemed to have been raised to be an adult from a very early age. There was a heaviness to their talk and the way they chose their words that was foreign to what Alexander was used to seeing in kids his age and their parents. Not that he had many examples outside his family. It sufficed him to think of Aunt Helen treating her daughters like fragile dolls - which they were far from being, Alexander dreadfully acknowledged. Maryse wasn't overprotective, but she was more inclined to formalities than maturity in her way of raising both Isabelle and him, and Robert just rolled with it. No wonder Jace acted older than him sometimes - and got surprised at himself when he couldn't deal with a silly thing such as coming in his pants like a teenager would.

 _He wants to be left alone_. Alexander licked his lips thoughtfully, realization kicking in as he blinked at the woman. He knew where he could find Jace. Something hit him as the puzzle that Jace was began to take a clearer form in his head. "I get it now, why you don't want to be called by your last name." _His father_ , of course.

Celine flashed him a tender smile. "I see why Jonathan likes you." She let her eyes close in a peaceful face. Her breath was uneven as she fought the tears threatening to run down her face. "All Wayland men need compassionate people to care for them."

Alexander thought of Sebastian touching his shoulder, the sensation that there was haven in this world, that everything could be reassured somehow. He had no idea how to make Celine feel like that. He coiled his fingers around one of her wrists lightly, the closest part of her body he thought would be appropriate for him to touch. His eyes were determined. "Just because he wants to be alone, it doesn't mean he _needs_ to." He nodded at her and hurried to the apartment's front door.

 _Wayland_. Jonathan Wayland. No, _Jace_ Wayland. That was his last name. It sounded important, almost as if he had already heard it somewhere else before...

* * *

It was a windy evening and the few groups of people on the sand were chasing after hats and other items blown away. Mondays were nearly empty if compared to weekends, so the odds of Alexander running into one of his classmates skyrocketed. He didn't like the possibility of someone stalling him so he tried to scan the faces on his way to avoid any familiar ones. He walked past Sebastian's coconut kiosk and saw Aline leaning against the counter. He assumed she was waiting for Sebastian to call it a day. The couple seemed too entertained in their conversation to notice him and he was lucky enough to see only unknown people on his way to the rocky path he was so used to climbing. The sky grew darker but he knew all the slopes and curves of those rocks by heart, so it was easy to reach the top.

Jace was sitting at the edge of the rocks, his weight propped on open palms firmly planted against the rock and his legs dangling in the wind. There were occasional shouts coming from several feet below them reprimanding him, but he cast them disdainful looks and turned his gaze back to the ocean. Alexander took careful steps towards him to avoid startling him.  He saw Jace peek at him over his shoulder before slowly turning his head back. Alexander took it as permission to approach him.

"Hey." Jace mumbled, his eyes cast on the ebbing sea. Standing next to him, Alexander looked very tall. The faint light that reached them lit his features enough to shape his delicate nose and his thick lips. His eyes had only a glimpse of their usual blue shade. Jace looked up at him in sincere awe, his lips parting as he traced the lines of Alexander's profile with his avid eyes. They were wearing similar clothes: bermuda shorts and tank tops. Jace's were white and red while Alexander's were black and gray. Alexander looked particularly slender in his dark clothes. He set his eyes down at Jace. 

"Hey." Alexander smirked, shoving both hands in his shorts' pockets. His shoulders were slightly hunched. "So I heard you'll be gone for a while..." He broke off at the sight of Jace's frown.

"Yes." Jace muttered. He looked back at the sea, washing over the sand. The wind produced violent waves, but they looked like a faraway threat from up there. "I'd tell you to thank my dad but it's too late for that now." There was a caustic sarcasm in his voice, his fingernails digging in the ground as he spoke. "I thought I would stop hating him after a while, but I guess that ship has sailed."

Alexander had no idea how Jace felt. He wanted to say the right thing, to ease whatever pain was tormenting the boy, but nothing came to his mind. He simply stared down at the other. He wasn't the warmest person when it came to other people, but that went both ways: his intensity was lacking in range to love, but also to hate. To harbor such hatred, to hold grudges... Those were things he couldn't relate to. Hating a parent seemed an abysmal concept, far from his grasp. Yet, Jace made him want to understand. He tilted his head slightly. "Jace..." He started off, warily. "Jace, what did he do?"

Jace let his eyelids fall shut as he took a deep breath. He was pondering whether it was worth reliving all the things he pushed away for all those months. Alexander took the opportunity to sit down next to him, their shoulders lightly bumping. He held his knees against his chest loosely with both arms, watching the other in respectful silence. He told Ms. Herondale where he was going before leaving so he had some time before people started calling him.

"My father was a compulsive gambler." Jace's voice was resigned, deprived from any emotions. "I have no idea why mom loved him that much, but she did. She thought he would stop..." The wind blew softly, pushing golden locks of hair across his face. "Last year, he got charged for money laundry." He grimaced. "I couldn't go out without a gazillion paparazzi cameras waiting just outside our house. Even my mom got investigated. It was... It was a nightmare." His arms were shaking, but Alexander pretended not to notice that. "My mother wouldn't believe it. And then our family intervened and it only got worse. There were so many people blaming my mother and me, as if she took advantage of my father, forced him to succumb to that just to feed her greed. They said awful things. And then the lawyers kept coming and going, each with a different argument. In the end, none of them would be able to save my father." He narrowed his eyes. "So he saved himself."

Jace looked fragile as he spoke, his complexion paler than Alexander's and his limbs thinner. But in the brittleness of his frame, Alexander could see his blazing eyes. They yielded a fierceness that he had never seen before. He had seen vicious and tainted gazes, eyes like those of a preying mantis in so many kids of his school. But Jace's were different. Their strength came from painful crafting. All that turmoil for a boy the same age as him was nothing but unfair, and yet Jace seemed to have survived it with grace. Alexander felt his heart clenching inside his chest. He wanted to cover Jace with the overwhelming feeling taking over him, but he simply listened. That was what he could do.

"He never apologized..." Jace frowned in disgust. "The last thing he told me was that if you do something wrong, you get punished. That I should know that." He turned to Alexander with a bitter smile deforming his lips. "When you first showed up, I thought you knew who I was. I thought you'd be just another kid wanting to poke things out of me."

"The Wayland case." Alexander murmured, averting his gaze for a moment. That was where he had seen it before. In one of his assignments, they had to take newspaper articles and turn them into short stories. He remembered seeing one of his classmates with that headline. He wondered how close the short story got to the truth. "Now that you mentioned it, I remembered it..."

"Yes." Jace's smile eased into a placid one. "I was so relieved you didn't seem to recognize me, Alec. You have no-" 

Before he could finish his sentence, Alexander had his lips softly pressed against his. Alexander's head was tilted in an awkward angle and his chin poked at Jace's shoulder, but he didn't care. It was the solid ground he felt like offering Jace. There were no words that could convey wholeheartedly what he felt. Jace's lips parted, welcoming his tongue, and though they deepened their kiss, it wasn't lust that conducted their moves. It was uncertainty, and comprehension, and, above all, affection.

Alexander broke the kiss, resting his forehead on the other's shoulder. He breathed in his scent with unique awareness. The early stages of falling in love with someone rendered everything more relevant, more remarkable. His feelings were wild and untamed in his chest and he felt the exaggerated intensity a teenager does when they are hostages of their hearts. "Your mother called me your boyfriend, you know."

Jace's shoulders tensed in shock. "She _what_?"

Alexander could feel him shaking his head frantically. He chuckled, pulling away to look at the other's face. "Too soon, I know. Well, actually I don't? I have no idea how this works, I told you that. But we didn't even go on a date."

Jace shot him a look that he used when he thought someone said something extremely dumb. He held an open palm out, showing the sea before them. "Really?"

Alexander felt his cheeks burning. It wasn't his intention to bring Jace on a date the first time they came to the beach together, but revisiting the momery now, that _was_ mostly like a date. He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "Fine. But that's it? One accidental date and some making out and we're boyfriends?"

"Dude, I even know your family." Jace had one of his eyebrows up, teasingly.

"Kay, you do have a point." Alexander frowned at his lack of better words. He would have to get used to that around Jace.

"Look, we don't have to be if you don't want us to be." Jace averted his gaze for a moment. "I'll be gone for a while anyway..."

"That's not it." Alexander held Jace's chin to force their eyes to meet. There was resolution in the dark blue of his gaze. "I'm just not ready to tell my parents about it yet. And I'm not a good liar and..." He sighed, slipping his hand off Jace's face. "I'm so stupid."

"S'okay." Jace pushed himself backwards to have a safe distance from the edge of the rocks before he stood up. His face was unreadable again. Alexander felt a pang in his chest. "For now, we can be just... Friends with benefits? Is that how they call it?"

Alexander pushed himself up as well, thoughtful. "I guess that would imply sex." He had no idea where that knowledge came from.

"I guess." Jace blushed a bit. " _Partial_ benefits, then. Whatever. We can wait until I get back to sort this out."

Alexander nodded sheepishly. They were facing the rocky path leading back to the sand. He was about to crouch to climb it down when a hand held his shoulder. Jace forced him to turn and face him, a naughty grin on his face. 

"Do I get to claim some of my partial benefits now?" Jace leaned forward, his face inches from the other's.

Alexander rolled his eyes, but he didn't complain. He already planned on doing the same if they were alone in the elevator back in their building anyway...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO ALL MY MALEC BABIES: Magnus will be back on the next chapter and yes, it'll be his introduction to the story at last! Thank you to all Malec shippers who endured the journey so far <3
> 
> Also, I decided on writing both endings. The story will be the same for the most part and when the time comes, I will indicate which parts are [MALEC ONLY] and which are [JALEC ONLY]. So far, it's the same for both!


	7. Be Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry it has taken me ages to finish this chapter. It was very overwhelming for me, and I must apologize in advance, because I couldn't bring myself to proof-read it... 
> 
> If you find any dreadful mistakes, please let me know and I'll correct them!

A couple of months later, Jace and Alexander found themselves staring at a public restroom mirror. Maryse had agreed on letting Alexander go to the airport with the Waylands. She was in constant bad mood and for a moment, Alexander nearly gave up on her permission, but she was able to see the good Jace was to him. Apparently, she was beginning to believe her son wasn't a social disaster. He would have dreadful manners when eating, but at least he was able to be friends with _someone_. 

The roll of urinals stood behind them like white faces watching them wash their hands in deep apprehension. Even if his mother knew of their sort-of relationship, Alexander didn't feel comfortable in being affectionate to Jace in front of her. It didn't seem fair to conceal it from his parents and let it show to everyone else. They were entitled to know it - and they would, eventually - but that was just not the right moment for it. Celine probably took their silence as a grieving one. She figured Alexander knew they would have to spend the entire semester there, so she respected their need for some thoughtful quiet. Once they got there and checked in their bags, she took the boys for cups of hot chocolate and talked about silly things. The times she sat next to weird people on planes, the times she got to very crappy hotels. Jace knew she was talking about experiences she had with his father before he was born and kept a moody face through most of her stories. He resented him as a husband much more than as a father, Alexander thought. He couldn't blame the boy. He had no idea what it felt like, to watch your parents crumble before you, the repetition cycle his father always engaged in being its main reason. When he was certain that Jace wanted to yell at his mother, he rested a gentle hand on his thigh and suggested they should go to the bathroom.

Alexander was drying his hands on his thighs in a very sloppy manner as he broke the silence. "So, uhm..." He actually felt more confident at engaging conversations since the whole friends-with-partial-benefits with Jace began. "I'm gonna miss your stupid face." He smiled awkwardly, averting his gaze.

Jace would never cease to be amazed at how adorable Alexander looked when he opened up. He smiled back, reaching for one of the other's hands. "Me too. Even your lousy way of doing things." He peeked down at Alexander's hand, still a little wet. "But you heard mom. She wants to come back." He shook the boy's hand in his grip reassuringly. "I want to come back. And I _will_." His gaze was certain, a promise in the air.

Alexander nodded at him, though he couldn't smile at the perspective of not having Jace around. He stared down at their hands. English hardly felt like enough a language to describe the maelstrom of thoughts and emotions flooding him. Happy memories of the two of them came and they brought an acid aftertaste. Liking someone wasn't supposed to make you hurt, but the thought of their absence was nearly unbearable. He had established a real friendship with Sebastian now and he could always count on his sister, but it wasn't the same thing. Jace was his friend, but he was the ultimate drive he had to be better, to try harder. He felt human around the golden boy. Going back to robotic Alexander didn't seem reasonable at all, but he felt like that would happen. He couldn't say much, his eyes lingering for longer than he intended. They shouldn't even be having a moment in a public restroom, but it wasn't like he could control these things.

"Hey." Jace spoke again, his other hand holding Alexander's chin tenderly. "We can still talk over the phone. Or message each other." He stepped closer, but kept a safe distance so that if anyone stepped in on them, he could pull away. Too risky to be caught in a place like that. "Look, I want to ask you something."

"Anything for you." Alexander nodded, determined.

"Don't masturbate to anyone else?" If it weren't for Jace's serious gaze, Alexander would've thought he was joking. But one of the most endearing things about him was that. How he dropped such shocking statements and ideas as if they were a mere grocery list.

The dark-haired boy chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Seriously?"

"What?!" Jace frowned, a hint of insecurity shown in his features. Alexander's eyes grew used to seeing that sort of minor display now. "Is it too much?" 

"No, it's not. It's just funny." Alexander shrugged, grinning. He felt so stupidly infatuated with Jace. "Fair enough."

Jace raised a wary eyebrow at him. "Aren't you going to ask me to do the same?"

Alexander stopped for a moment. He never really thought of the possibility that they would meet other people. This was their last year before high school. Talks about romance and dates would grow more frequent, he knew that, but he was so apathetic in general that the idea of being interested in anyone else seemed so far away. It never really hit him that _Jace_ could feel interest towards other people until, well, this very moment. After all that time together, he still couldn't picture how Jace behaved in school or in social situations in general. He managed to settle whatever insecurities he had with Sebastian and they had gotten along quite well on the two times Alexander stopped by his kiosk with Jace, but aside from that he couldn't tell how the boy was. Was he the popular kind? A jock, maybe? He was stalked due to his father's scandal, but perhaps that brought admirers, too. He frowned. He was too young to have a mature perspective on jealousy. "I just didn't think things through." He pouted. "But yeah, I'd like you to do the same."

Alexander was unable to lie, Jace knew. That was the most beautiful part of him. He was always so raw, so tangible. So unlike a lot of people he came across...

When they hit their gate, Alexander looked visibly miserable. They hugged and all he wanted to do was take Jace back with him, but he knew that wouldn't do. The thought of asking his parents to let Jace stay with them until his mother came back crossed his mind several times, but he feared for how his parents would take such request. One would call him a coward, but aren't all teenagers a little afraid of things when they get too real? As he watched Jace walk towards the gate, something hit him.

"Hey, Jace! Wait!"

Jace turned around with curious eyes.

"You never told me who gave you that autographed glove." Alexander had no idea why the memory chose that particular moment to resurface, but then, he was used to Jace triggering the oddest things in him.

Jace curled his lips up in a bittersweet smile. It spoke of painful acceptance. "My father."

* * *

  **Be Alright**

_Did you miss me, biscuits? I'm sorry for that. I was busy with, uhm, personal affairs. You will soon learn about them. I already told you pretty much all I really adore from Alexander's past. Isn't he fascinating? I know, I have awesome taste in men. I guess it is about time I make my fabulous entrance to this story, but there are some things you should know: Alexander and Jace wouldn't stop texting and messaging each other. Distance may seem terrible and frightening, but it can't erase bonds that were meant to be. Of course, they missed each other's presence. Alexander finally understood what it was like to feel lonely even when surrounded by people. The boys in his classes sounded so much worse now that he knew how friendships worked. Sebastian was a beacon of light among the homophobic commentary he was obliged to hear every day. That in itself was already bad, but there was something else._

_A transfer student. Rufus Something. There were many new faces in his class, but this specific boy made a reputation for himself. He had been expelled from his previous school and there were all kinds of theories about why it happened. Alexander didn't mind those rumors and it wasn't like gossip could define a person. He knew better than that, especially after Jace. But the boy had joined one of the teams Alexander was a part of, and that proved to be very problematic because he was competitive. Whereas Alexander just wanted to spend his energy into physical activity and improve his skills, the boy wanted recognition and glory. Those were good achievements to accomplish, but Rufus was ruthless and would stop at nothing and no one. That included trying to one up Alexander on a daily basis in the silliest challenges. The Lightwood boy would refuse to engage in pointless competition over rubris and jealousy like that, but that didn't stop Rufus from harboring an intense hatred for him. This went for all the semester and gladly Alexander had his support system up and running to cope with eventual harassment he got from Rufus._

_That is, except for Isabelle. He could feel his sister growing apart and wasn't sure why. Clary's visits were more frequent now, and her silences when he was alone with her told him there was a chasm opening between them. An unbearably confusing gap he couldn't quite understand how to close. He didn't know much about comforting like she did, so he spent most of the time talking about how things went with Jace, or how he was wondering the conversation would go with their parents. It wasn't much, but it was the way he found to be able to communicate with her somehow. He figured that was because she was growing up and was probably starting to want some space - and he was all for respecting that._

_Now, enough with the telling. There is something else I need to show you. What truly started the whole situation **I** am in now. Let's go forward in time to the week before Thanksgiving. Alexander had been practicing extra hard because after the holiday, their school was to play in a local soccer championship. He was particularly excited with the idea. And something else, as well..._

* * *

Sebastian was constantly surrounded by people. His bright smile and easygoing demeanor made people want to interact with him almost immediately: the girls would swoon over him and the boys would want to be friends with him. So it wasn't strange to see him with a great group of people around him, listening to his funny stories or vying for his attention in some way or another. Aline studied in another school and that made things easy for him to manage his attention, but at the same time, it made it really hard to come up with good reasons to have some privacy. That was one rare moment he found himself free, though, standing by a vending machine near one of the schools many restrooms. He had been faced with the dilemma of buying Sneakers or saving the money for later when his phone rang.

"Hello, my love." His voice was soft and collected as he stared at the products inside the vending machine. It was always a hard thing to focus on things other than Aline's voice. "Yes, yes, I talked to him."He nodded at the words coming from the other side of his phone, even if she couldn't see him. "He said Jace's coming over for Thanksgiving, so I thought of inviting him, too. What do you think?" He waited for her reply, a beaming smile curling up his lips. He tapped the vending machine idly. "Yes, I think so, too. But Alec refers to him as Jace, no other treatment, so I thought we should just respect that." He waved a hand in the air with a surprised face. "No, no, no! I'm not saying you don't respect him! Oh. Oh, that's good then... Well, I have to go now. See you later at the center? Kay, bye!"

Sebastian held the phone up for a while, staring down at its screen. It had been a long way to get to the point he was at. First, because he thought he had helplessly fallen in love with a lesbian girl. Then, the whole process of dealing with his feelings as a very authentic friendship bloomed between them. He couldn't tell when it was, that she started feeling different towards him. But he knew that the whole journey of becoming her friend had taught him so much about companionship, about trust. She had been the greatest teacher he could've asked for.

The boy smiled down at his phone before shoving it into his back pocket. He turned away to start for the school's front door when a body blocked his way. He took one step backwards and looked up to see a boy he wished was someone else.

"Hey, Rufus. Can I help you?" His voice was firm, but held nothing too rude to it. 

"You just did." Rufus's eyes were very dark and filled with misty depth. There were many layers he managed to hide there, making it hard to tell his intentions just from looking at him. His lips were curled in a cold smile.

"Oh. That's good, I think." Sebastian raised a questioning eyebrow. "Do you mind telling me how?"

Rufus snickered, leaning his side against the vending machine. He folded his arms across his chest casually. "So _Alec_ has a boyfriend?" There was a hint of despise as he said Alexander's nickname. He knew he wasn't allowed to call the other that. Whenever the two athletes interacted during practice, Alexander had never given him any freedom as to how to call him. That didn't mean Rufus was dumb. There weren't many Alexanders Sebastian was friends with. It had to be the only Alec he knew.

Sebastian's features darkened. He tried to stay as cool as he could, placing a hand on his waist and tilting his head. "I don't see where this is going, Rufus." He frowned a little. "If you have any interest in him, you should just talk to him." He really hoped that wasn't the case because it would be too tragic and ironic to have a guy as ill-tempered as Rufus having a crush on his friend. That would explain his obsession with Alexander, though. From what his friend had been telling him, Rufus wouldn't give him any rest. If that was the case, it was best to just give Alexander a chance to ditch the guy and let him get over it already, right?

That didn't seem to be the right thing to say as it made Rufus frown, a twitch of his lips indicating disgust as he peeled himself from the vending machine. "Are you trying to mock me, Verlac?" His jaw tensed visibly as he pursed his lips together, eyes menacing at the platinum-haired boy.

Sebastian looked puzzled. "What?"

Rufus spat on the floor, aiming for Sebastian's shoes and missing for an inch. He raised an eyebrow at the other. "You gay lovers all dumb or something?" He rolled his eyes. "As if I'd want anything to do with that _faggot_."

The way Rufus spoke the last word cut through Sebastian's ears like a knife. He knew Rufus wasn't to be trusted and he knew of the reputation that preceded him, but that was clear confirmation that the guy wasn't worth the ground he stood in. They exchanged silent looks for a moment. There were so many things Sebastian wanted to tell him and they were all swarming in his head like angry bees waiting to sting someone until they dropped dead on the floor. But he wondered what good that would do if he spoke things in a wrong way. Was the guy beyond salvation? Could he convince him that he was being a fool with the right words? 

"You should watch your tongue, Rufus." Sebastian spoke. His voice was firm, but there was no threat in it. "I am a gay _supporter_ , alright? But calling Alec a faggot will get you nowhere. Especially if you mean to offend him." He tried to sound as collected as he could, straightening his back in an attempt to show confidence. He hated these cliche displays of power and dominance, but he knew some occasions asked for them.

Rufus made a mocking face. "Say whatever you want, Verlac." A grim smile crept its way across his face as he started to step away from Sebastian. His lips parted to leave an ugly laughter out, and he left.

Sebastian watched him walking away with gritted teeth. He was sharp when responding to people, but that didn't mean he was impulsive. It was frustrating how his calculating sometimes made him regret things later. He should've just said some really harsh things to Rufus instead of trying to make a decent argument. Of course the guy wouldn't listen to him. Well, at least he tried. He didn't want to reminisce on it for too long since he told Aline he'd be meeting her soon. And he had to find Alexander to talk to him about their plans for their Thanksgiving week. He was weirdly excited to see Alexander with Jace, even though he wondered if the guy was still a little uncomfortable with their friendship. He never thought he would make another guy jealous like that, and though it did boost his ego, he wanted to be there for Alexander as a friend. So that included having Jace to trust him as well.

* * *

Alexander had his eyes set on the equipment in front of him. He felt honored to have been invited to the school's soccer team and wanted to be at his best when the championship came. His team mates were all impressed with his dexterity and precision when kicking and he scored more goals than most of them, even though he hadn't been around that much. Something about the time he spent together with Sebastian made it less difficult (though not easy yet) to talk to people. It got him to interact with a few class mates and that had led him to where he was. The changing room of their soccer field. Most of the guys left early that day because of homework or personal affairs, but Alexander stayed practicing kicks and exercising until his muscles felt sore. The coach left him with the keys before rushing to catch up with the principal. Something about the bus they would be hiring to take them to the matches the week after Thanksgiving. So he was standing there, organizing the balls in a huge wire basket, still in his soccer uniform.

His hands shook a bit as he thought of the days left before he could see Jace. No more exchanging messages and pictures. No more awkward calls because he had phones. No more longing. He was excited, but also wary. What if Jace saw him and realized he didn't miss him that much? Was he that disposable? He hoped not, but his insecurities took the best of him. The shadows in his heart were greater than the growing shadow forming behind him.

Alexander barely had time to turn his head when it came: a sharp blow to his jaw, sending him straight to the floor. His reflexes were quick and he managed to fall on his shoulder, bracing himself, but the surprise did take its toll, and his head hit against the basket, rendering him a bit dizzy. He squinted his eyes to try focusing on the frame looming over him, legs helplessly trying to kick the guy before he could stand.

An ugly laughter.

Alexander was mentally trying to assess his body. The arm he landed on wasn't broken or he would be screaming, but it had landed in an awkward position and it hurt. He shifted, grimacing as sparks of pain ran across his body. His vision was a little blurry, but he could look back at Rufus now. "Rufus, why...?"

Rufus's face was unreadable as he brought a leg back, kicking Alexander's calf with full force. "Don't talk to me, worm. You think you're the best player on our team, right?" He kicked again, this time aiming for the shin. "It's disgusting to think they even let _things_ like you on the team." Alexander managed to scramble his legs and dodge it, but it was hard to find the strength to stand. His head was still spinning a little. Rufus didn't stop, going for his ribs now. 

Alexander gasped, holding his side with his free hand and coiling himself in a fetal position as he winced. Why was this happening to him now? Of all the pain coursing through his limbs, the one that hurt the most was in his chest. A suffocating feeling of worthlessness, of being nothing. He knew these sort of things happened to kids like him. God, that was the first thought in his mind when Isabelle first told him he was gay. But a part of him wanted to believe that it would be different, that he was different. He had found love and that should render him unbeatable, unreachable to this sort of hatred. He thought of Isabelle, and Jace, and Sebastian, and their warmth towards him. He had been given hope. Thoughts of acceptance flooded him as another kick came, and this time he didn't even try to dodge. He simply took it. Because all the love in the world couldn't defend him. It couldn't because he was who he was. Whether out of defeat or endurance, he didn't feel like fighting the other. Each blow struck him so deep that avoiding the physicality of it wouldn't be enough to rid him from the helplessness of it. His throat clenched and no sound would come out. What was the point? Who would he scream to? He wasn't a fighter and he didn't want anyone to confront Rufus on his behalf. He wasn't worth the effort.

"I'm sorry..." Alexander mumbled, and he thought of Jace. How angry he'd be. Only this time, he felt one hundred percent responsible for this beating. He couldn't change who he was. And even if he could, he wouldn't. Everything was getting dark, and he wished it would all just end.

"Alec? _ALEC_?! Oh my God, Rufus, _stop it_!"

The edges of the world were fading out. There were two shapes that merely resembled that of boys. One clearly overpowered the other. There were words spoken, but Alexander couldn't make anything out of them as he stayed still on the floor, eyes staring in front of him blankly. He _thought_ of crying, but was the point? Would tears heal wounds deeper than skin? 

Loud steps. One of them left. Who was still there with him? Whoever it was, he hoped to black out before more blows came.

Soft hands came instead. He felt his body being lifted until it rested against a thin frame, much like his own. Sebastian's hair brushed against his face as the boy held him in an awkward position. He winced, but didn't feel like breaking the contact. He just let himself be embraced by the other boy.h

"I'm so sorry, Alec. I'm so, so sorry..." He mumbled inconsolably, one arm holding Alexander tightly close while the other ran delicate fingers through his hair. "This is my fault, God. I'm so sorry, Alec..." His voice was shaking, choking down some inner despair that Alexander was able to catch. Did he look that bad? Sebastian went on. "Let me take you to a hospital, call your parents-"

"No." Alexander managed to speak, a mere murmur from under his heavy breath. "I can't..." Light was slowly coming back into his view, and the pain in his side and his leg told him he was beginning to come back to full conscience. 

Sebastian pulled away enough to look him in the eyes, alarmed. "Why not?"

"Because..." Alexander averted his gaze. He felt his jaw throbbing and it was hard to speak without feeling strange pulls on his facial muscles. He was definitely back to awareness now. "My parents don't know." He looked miserable and it wasn't just for his aching limbs. "And I don't want to lie to them." His voice was final. He wouldn't take a no for an answer, that was for sure.

Sebastian sighed with a pained expression, but he nodded. He knew it was Alexander's life and therefore, his choice. But it was unfair. That he had to bear with that kind of thing without a support system that involved his parents. He could only imagine what it felt like. He held a hand up Alexander's jaw, tipping his face to check where he got punched. "Fine." He stopped for a moment, eyes showing a peculiar glint. "I have one condition, then."

Alexander felt too weak to refuse any deals, pursing his lips together. "Huh?"

"You're coming with me to see Aline."

* * *

Alexander fumbled with the keys for some time before he managed to lock the door of the lockers behind him. His hands trembled and breathing made his body ache in ways he never thought were possible. He was sure that if there were any broken bones, he wouldn't be standing now, but his skin was a deep purple where he got kicked and the metallic taste in his mouth wouldn't leave him, even after washing his face. Still, he insisted he could walk. He didn't want people looking at him feeling sorry or asking questions.

Sebastian tried to be as sympathetic as he could. When they hit the subway, he didn't ask too many questions. He simply filled Alexander in on where they were going and told him a little bit about Aline's volunteer work. Alexander's mind was hazy and it was hard to focus on what he was being told, so he nodded halfheartedly, blank eyes scanning their surroundings idly. Everyone seemed to be looking at him accusingly. His clothes concealed most of his wounds and though his jaw looked injured, there was nothing that could tell he had been beaten up. But the way strangers glanced at him made his chest clench. He felt judged - and guilty. They knew, he thought. Like dirt that couldn't be washed off, like a stain that would never fade. They _knew_. Sebastian seemed to notice him beginning to hyperventilate as he brought a hand up to squeeze Alexander's.

"Hey, look at me." He flashed a faint smile at Alexander. "Breathe with me, will you?"

Alexander felt silly and small. He was a child again, only he wasn't apathetic now. Everything seemed to cause him to react. He wanted control over his emotions back again, but it was so out of his reach. Still, he tried to focus on Sebastian's chest, rising and then falling, and soon he fell into pace with him. It wasn't doing wonders to his anxiety, but it did help a little. "Thanks."

"It's only a block away now." Sebastian's voice was calm as he stood up.

Alexander followed him and so they left the subway station. He was hugging himself protectively as he looked down. There was an arm blocking his way and he was forced to look up: a huge rainbow flag stood tall and proudly waved in front of a white building. It looked like a house that had been reworked into something with multiple functionalities. There were two doors that gave access to it, but the signs indicated that each entrance was destined to different purposes. He didn't have time to read the second one as Sebastian was leading him through one that said "Guest House". 

"And here we are. The LGBT center I told you about." Sebastian gestured widely to the long hall they were in. There was a desk that seemed to work as a reception counter with a lot of pamphlets and a line of chairs against the wall. Behind the reception desk, a boy with pink hair sat with attentive eyes cast on a computer in front of him. There were a couple of girls looking at him with intent anticipation. Sebastian nodded as a means to greet the pink-haired guy and walked past him.

Alexander froze, not sure whether to follow him or wait there.

"You can come with me." Sebastian spoke over his shoulder and walked into a narrow corridor.

Alexander followed him silently. There was a roll of doors on both sides of the corridor and they were mostly closed with "Occupied" signs on them. When they walked past an open one, Alexander peeked in to see two beds and a nightstand. Bedrooms. The whole place was much larger than he gave it credit for. They took a turn and the corridor split into two doorways. One led to what looked like a waiting room with some tables and couches scattered. Groups of young people gathered around the tables and on the couches, some more talkative than others. The other doorway led to another corridor. Murmuring voices could be heard all around, but Alexander wasn't paying them much attention. Sebastian came to a halt and pointed to the waiting room, already going for it.

"I'll text Aline to let her know we're here, just a sec." Sebastian spoke, already pulling his phone from his pocket. His fingers were fast as he swiped a short message, walking past a particularly gloomy group of teenagers sitting at a round table. Alexander could tell they were sharing painful experiences from the tone of their voices and the way their eyes were all downcast. He wondered if he looked like that as they found an empty couch on the far end of the room. He motioned his arms to indicate Alexander could sit there and then sat next to him, letting his phone rest on his thigh. "They sell some cakes and candy to gather funds, so she comes twice a week to help in the kitchen." He figured Alexander didn't listen to any of the things he told him on their way there. Sebastian couldn't blame him.

"Seb?" A voice came from the door. A few people stopped what they were doing to look towards the guy who spoke, nodding and mumbling greeting words. The guy nodded back with a beaming smile, teeth so white that Alexander stared in sheer surprise. The guy looked older than him, but not that much. He was certainly taller, his frame so thin he looked like a twig clad in tight leather pants and a loose maroon shirt. His accessories glittered on his ears and neck, the dark tones of his make-up making his complexion look pale.

 _That guy, biscuits, was none other than me. But for narrative purposes - and because I really am a stunning character in this story - I'll keep using third person. You can thank me later_.

"Magnus Bane." Sebastian stood up and held a hand for the other, but was greeted with a cozy hug instead. He laughed and hugged Magnus back, tapping his back friendly before pulling away and gesturing to Alexander. "And this is Alexander."

"So it's you." Magnus checked him out shamelessly, but not in a predatory manner. His eyes took an interesting shade of caramel when he registered the bruise on Alexander's jaw and he seemed to have acquired X-ray vision. He tilted his head, and his whole body seemed to move fluidly as he leaned closer. "Nice to meet you, darling."

Alexander felt his cheeks slightly hotter than they were. He felt Magnus's gaze and it made him feel exposed, but unlike the strangers on the subway, his was curious - not judgmental. He looked down at his hands. His head still hurt a little, but the pain subsided and was a stingy sensation where he hit it against the basket. He brought one hand to caress the spot lightly as he nodded. "Nice to meet you, too, Magnus Bane."

Magnus waved a dismissive hand. "Just Magnus." He turned to Sebastian. "Aline told me you were coming. I'm just going to grab some stuff and I'm coming back for him, ok?" He cast a sideways glance at Alexander. "Don't go anywhere."

Alexander was clearly confused at the guy, and as he watched him walking away, his eyebrows knitted together. "I am really confused now."

Sebastian sat back, a little closer this time. He turned to Alexander with a peaceful expression. "Magnus was the first one to become friends with Aline when she first came. She was still with her ex back then." He held nothing bad in his voice as he brought Aline's ex up. Alexander wondered how it was like, to feel so sure of yourself that nothing seemed to shake you. "And he was really helpful when she came out to her parents last year."

At that, the Lightwood boy looked genuinely shocked. "But that was... You were already with her, weren't you?"

"Does that make her any less bisexual?" Sebastian chuckled, shaking his head. "I needed clarifications, too, you know." He took on an embarrassed grin, averting his gaze. "A straight guy is usually quite dumb... So I had all these silly insecurities. I thought she would leave me for a girl, and that all girls were potential threats. God, I'm embarrassed to even think of that." His face looked as pained as his voice sounded, and Alexander felt kind of sorry. He would have to stop blaming himself like that one day, but without Jace around it was easier to succumb to guilt. "They were both very patient to me, though. I'm really thankful, because it has taught me a lot. And it was an important step in Aline's life, to open up to her parents like that."

"Figures..." Alexander mumbled in a sad voice. He wished he had the strength to come out to his parents, too. Not that he thought he was obliged to. He knew that Isabelle would never have to come out as straight to their parents, and that thought alone made it seem so pointless to state his sexuality to them. But he wasn't that dumb. He knew of the social expectations over him and his sexual orientation. And he knew there would come a time where hiding the truth would either lead to lying or revealing his secret. But for now, that was something he could postpone. He pouted.

Sebastian was going to say something, but Magnus was already back to the room, greeting a few more people on his way.

"Alright. Alexander, please follow me." He turned to Sebastian. His eyes narrowed in an endearing way when he smiled. "Aline has a few more cakes to pack but she'll be done soon."

Sebastian nodded, eyeing the purple box that the other was carrying. Alexander seemed to have noticed the object at the same time.

"First aid kit. Shall we?"

* * *

They ended up at the open room Alexander had peeked at earlier. Magnus closed the door behind them and told him to sit at one of the beds, placing the first aid box on the empty nightstand. He stood a couple of steps away from where Alexander was, as if to keep a safe distance between them. From the way he moved, it felt like he was already far too familiar with situations like that to his liking, but his features were kind and uplifting.

"So, Alexander..."

"Alec." Alexander intervened. He was surprised at himself, but there was something about Magnus that made him want to get to know him. Maybe it was the impeccable eyeliner.

" _Alec_." Magnus had a faint smile on his lips as he spoke his nickname. "So, Alec..." He gestured to the door. "I closed it to give us some privacy, but it's unlocked. If you don't feel comfortable, we can leave it open, ok?"

Alexander watched him attentively. He wondered how many people walked in there, so mentally hurt that they couldn't stand to be in closed room with another person. Some levels of suffering were impossible to imagine. "It's fine." His eyes took on an intense shade of blue. "Are you a med student?"

Magnus chuckled. "No. I'm in high school, actually." He raised a playful eyebrow. "I should be offended, but I'll let it pass this time." He went for the box and opened it to browse through its contents, eyes searching intently. His nails were painted black now that Alexander paid attention to them. "I'm a volunteer here, like Aline." He spoke casually, fingers coiled around a white bottle. Some sort of lotion. He turned his eyes to Alexander. "Look... You don't have to tell me what happened, but I need to know if you have more bruises besides, you know..." He jerked his head towards Alexander's. "Your jaw." He turned the bottle around in his hand to check the expiration date. "Again, we can leave the door open if you'd like. But I need you to show me your bruises."

Alexander felt tired. He thought of the day his biggest concern was that Jace would see him shirtless, how embarrassed that made him feel. That seemed to have happened to another Alexander entirely. An Alexander that was still in the lockers, lying on the floor - waiting to be woken up from this nightmare. He felt his stomach turn uncomfortably and held it with one hand. He could tell he looked sick from the look on Magnus's face, because the older boy was already kneeling beside him and placing a firm hand on his shoulder.

"Alec, you are okay now." His voice was soft in his ears.

Alexander wanted to run to the beach, to his spot. He wanted to climb up there and be surprised by Jace standing there. He knew it was impossible and just the thought of any physical effort with his whole body achingly throbbing made him wince. "I don't know about that..." He pursed his lips together, bringing both hands to the hem of the black sweater he was wearing. He lifted it over his head and tossed it on the bed, keeping his right arm up so Magnus could take a closer look at where Rufus had kicked him.

Magnus had an understanding sorrow in his eyes. Magnus didn't seem shocked at the sight of the painfully purple skin, but purely sad. He uncapped the lotion and stared at it absently. "Everything will feel off for some time now." He gazed up at Alexander's blue eyes. "And once this innocence has been taken from you, I'm afraid you won't get it back." Magnus frowned. He looked hurt, as if he had been afflicted by the same wounds Alexander had. "It's okay if you feel afraid. It's okay if you feel anxious." He leaned closer, slowly to avoid startling Alexander. "But for every person out there that hates us, there are hundreds that want us to be happy. Me included."

Alexander closed his eyes. His whole body was shaking as he tried to breathe in and out. He spent so much time living life as if he were a mere tourist, no real emotions had ever touched him. But that was another time, when he believed he could go on observing his life as if it were someone else's. No, this now? This was reality. And it hit him hard. It hurt and it reached out for him. He wanted to hide. He nodded at the other's words.

Magnus held the bottle of lotion up so Alexander could see it. "Mountain arnica. It helps with blood clots and swelling." He offered the bottle. "Do you want me to apply it or you--"

"I... I can't..." Alexander pleaded, averting his gaze. 

Magnus cast him a tender look. "It's okay. Tell me if it hurts, alright?"

He proceeded to apply the lotion very gently over the affected area. He flinched at the cool feel of the lotion against his hot skin, but gestured for Magnus to continue. He missed the cool water from his showers. He used to welcome such temperature contrasts, but it wasn't the same. As Magnus finished applying it, he made sure to tell Alexander that the bruises were ugly but would vanish before he even realized it. He handed his sweater back and crouched in front of him.

"Any other bruises?"

Alexander nodded. He leaned forward to pull up his pants, baring his right leg. His fingers trembled as he finished folding the loose fabric up. The bruises there spread like an ugly painting in his tanned skin, a corrupted watercolor pattern that took an awkward shape on his skin. He hadn't checked his leg after Rufus kicked it and he felt sick. He gagged, but nothing came. His eyes were a blur. He brought his shaky hands up to cover the tears that burned their way out. All the tension he built up from the events of that day seemed to have reached their peak. "My sister, she... She can't see me like this..."

Magnus swallowed hard. His face was contorted in an anguished expression, even though he tried to control his emotions. His heart had already broken a thousand times from scenes like that and he would let it shatter one million more if it was what it took to offer some solace to broken people like Alexander. He touched Alexander's elbow tentatively. His moves were all organic, never too heavy or invasive. He just wanted Alexander to know he was there. That there was still something to hold on to, even if he was just a stranger. "It looks worse than it is, Alec. Trust me." He knew better after some time in the center. He had no idea how Alexander's relationship with his family was so it would be awkward to say that she would love him the same, or that she wouldn't care. He couldn't be sure of those things. "I am going to apply the lotion here as well... Okay?"

Alexander nodded, his body jerking as he sobbed, trying to control his tears. He still hid behind his hands, but he focused on Magnus's light touch on his shin and calf. He could say he got hurt during practice. He could say he fell on an awkward position. There were many lies he could use to get away from explaining what happened, but he didn't want to do that. There were lines that he refused to cross because he knew that once he did, the way back was going to be tough. If he were to start lying, God know when he'd stop. That probably meant wearing extra layers of clothing until the bruises healed, he thought. He hated the idea of hiding that much about him, but it was the best he could do. Jace would be coming in a couple of days and he was the only one he'd allow to see the truth. The thought of telling that story to the boy scared him, but there was no questioning that. He would and that was final.

"I'm done here. Now to your jaw..." Magnus eyed the boy's face and seeing that Alexander didn't move, reached out. The area was smaller and so he finished quickly. "There we go." He said as he capped the bottle and placed it back in the box while Alexander dressed his sweater back. 

"Thanks." Alexander murmured, brushing his sleeves on his cheeks to dry off his tears. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Alec." Magnus's voice was firm and reassuring as he sat next to the other, leaving a safe distance between the two of them. He tilted his head a little. "Unfair things happen to good people sometimes. It doesn't make them guilty." He took a deep breath, lacing his fingers together. He wanted to touch Alexander, give him all the warmth he thought he deserved, but nothing he did could go back in time and undo whatever it was that happened to the boy. He sighed. "It makes you stronger."

"...You really think so?"

"Oh, my dear." Magnus let his features ease and Alexander thought he saw him glowing a little. "As long as you're kind, you'll always be stronger than them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you is going through rough times, don't hesitate to look for help! I'm right here and so are your friends, never forget that! :)

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I actually posted here and there are so many more tags than it used to be! If you have any suggestions as the story progresses, please let me know! Also, it is true: I am against cheating in my plots, but I sincerely want you guys to pick the ship you want in the end as I post the chapters :) 
> 
> Please let me know in the comments!  
> I'd love this story to go either way as soon as I lay all the cards I have on the table for you to pick hahaha


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